Friday joke - WARNING ADULT CONTENT

[Meh]

Talking Frog

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you kiss me?

The boy said, "Look I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."

:lol:I'll get me coat ... :lol:

[Bad Wolf]

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

[daisy38]

:D :D :D :D

[Meh]

I've got another one but I don't think I can post it :D

[Bad Wolf]

the russian one? post it, its all comedy

[Meh]

OK, here goes:

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka."

Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks and the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

This goes on for the next few nights. Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

:lol:

[daisy38]

I like that one! :D:D:D:D:D

[chance]

:rotfl: :cheer:

[Rach33]

:lol: :lol:

[$sTaCeY$]

Cool joke tell us some more Mordor

[di marco]

the friday joke should be a regular thing on fridays lol!

[phils little sister]

Pulled Over

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The
following exchange takes place...

The man says, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer, "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man, "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife, "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer, "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail
light."

Man, "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"

Wife, "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."
[Man gives his wife another dirty look.]

Officer, "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your
seat belt."

Man, "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife, "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

Man turns to his wife and yells, "Shut your mouth, woman!"

Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to
you this way all the time?"

Wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

[dddMac1]

good joke Phils little Sister

[.:Kitz:.]

these are great

[London_Babe]

Lol. Here's one:

Whats the difference between like and love?




Spit and swallow

[di marco]

great! :D both made me laugh!

[phils little sister]

Sweets! Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree met on a coach journey. It was After Eight. She was from Quality Street; he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum & Butter and she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole", she said. "I'm the one with the Nuts", he thought. Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the contrast of her Double Decker. Then he showed her his Curly Wurly. Ms Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he came out his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more but he decided to take Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising.. So he did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbert and gave her a Gob Stopper. Unfortunately Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D. It turns out Ms Rowntree had a Box of Assorted Creams. She had been with All Sorts.

[phils little sister]

Corny jokes
1 Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
3.A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4.I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome". 'Is it common? ' "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? ""No, because he's really heavy"
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat ba*******d!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said,’ Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[daisy38]

:D :D :D :D :D

An oldie now:

A man gets up one morning to find his wife
already in the kitchen cooking.
He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees
one of his socks in the frying pan.

"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night
when you came to bed very drunk," she replied

Completely puzzled, the man walks away
thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking
her to cook my sock..."

[phils little sister]

Are you a Katlick

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to
play
with them.
They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go
to
Sunday School.
So, they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.
One said,
"We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us.
Will
you baptize us?"
"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked
their
heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and
play"
When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked,
"What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "Well, we're not Katlick, because they pour the
water
on you.
We're not Babtis because they dunk all of you in it.
We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you with it."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
"Yeah! What do you think that means?"
"I think it means that we're Pisscopalians."

[di marco]

:D :D :D :D :D :D

[.:SpIcYsPy:.]

Talking Frog

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you kiss me?

The boy said, "Look I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."

:lol:I'll get me coat ... :lol:

I saw that on TV..

[.:SpIcYsPy:.]

A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blond are sitting in a doctors office, talking about what sex of child they are going to have.

The Brunette says "I am going to have a boy because I was on top when having sex."

The Redhead replied "I am going to have a girl because I was on the bottom while having sex."

Then the Blond says hesterically " Oh my God, I am going to have puppies."

[Crazy Gal 88]

whats the difference between a woman and a computer?

a woman wont accept a three and a half inch floppy!!!

[Chloe O'brien]

Here's a filthy joke for ADULTS ONLY

A women goes to the doctors and says

Woman: "doctor doctor you have to help me my husband and I can't sexually satisfiy each other as I only have small boobs and he only has a wee willie"
She then ask the doctor if he has any medication that can enlarge her husbands manhood and her boobs.

Doctor: " I'm sorry but I only have this magic mirror take it home with you and make a wish, I hope it works"

So the woman goes home with the magic mirror and that evening as her and her husband are getting ready for bed she goes into the kitchen and hangs the mirror on the kitchen door, she then strips off and makes a wish.

Woman: "Mirror Mirror on the door make my bust a 44"

All of a sudden there is a flash and she looks down to find she has a cracking pair of boobs that would put Jordon to shame. She then goes up to the bedroom and starts to romance her husband he asks her if she has padded her bra again but she takes of her bra and shows him the goods. He can't believe his eyes and asks what happen, she tells him about the mirror and he wonders if it will work for him so he decided to go downstairs and give it a try.

He goes to the kitchen and takes off his clothes and stands in front of the mirror and makes a wish.

Man: "Mirror Mirror on the door make my c**k touch the floor"
AND HIS LEGS FALL OFF :rotfl: :rotfl: :lol:

[willow]

:rotfl: :rotfl: :lol: :lol: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[Treacle]

OK, here goes:

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka."

Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks and the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

This goes on for the next few nights. Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

:lol:
:lol: That one made me laugh! I love stuff like this!!!

[pinkles14]

Womens Bedtime Prayer
Now i Lay me down to sleep
i pray for a man who's not a creep
one who's handsome smart and strong
one who's willy is thick and long
one who thinks before he speaks
when he promises to call he wont wait weeks
i pray that he is gainfully employed
and when i spend his cash he wont be annoyed
one who pulls out my chair and opens my doors
massages my back and begs to do more
Oh send me a man who will make love to my mind
knows just what to say when i ask
how big is my behind
one who'll make love till my body's a twitchen
in the hall the shower the garden and kitchen
i pray that this man will love me no end
and never attempts to screw my best friend
and as i kneel and pray by my bed
I Look at this sh** head you sent me instead

Hope this is not too rude ....

[Chloe O'brien]

Three nuns living in a convent beg the mother superior to be let out for the evening. After constanlty refusing to let the nuns out of the convent the mother superior finally allows the nuns out for the evening on the agreement that they follow a strict curfew and are back at the convent by 12 midnight.The nuns are told that if they fail to return they will be dismissed from the convent and if they break any vows made to god they will be sentenced to death. The nuns agree and off the go out for the evening.

The nuns go to a few pubs and a disco and soon forget about the time, meanwhile back at the convent it's almost 12 and the Mother superior is at the gates waitng for the nuns to return. The clock strikes 12 and there is no sign of the nuns as the gates are locked closed.

On the way back into the convent the mother superior hears laughter from around the corner, she goes to see what the noise is and finds the three nuns having sex against the wall with three guys. The mother superior is furious and tells the nuns they will be punished for their sins.

The next morning the nuns are brought before mother superior. The first nun goes into the mother superior's office crying and begging for forgiveness, but the mother superior refuses her pleas she tells the nun that she broke her vows to god and her punishement will be death. The mother superior askes what the occupation of the man she was with the night before the nun says he was a"stone mason." Mother superior tells the nun that at midnight she will be stoned to death. The nun is dragged away screaming and crying.

The second nun comes into the office crying and begging for forgiveness again the mother superior refuses to listen and tells the nun that she broke her vows and must face the punishement of death. Again she asks the second nun the occupation of the man she was with the nun answers that he was a"plummer." The mother superior tells the nun that at midnight she will be drowned, again the nun is dragged away screaming and crying.

The third nun is brought in laughing and dancing the mother superior is angry at her attitude and tells the nun that her crime is not a laughing matter she has broken her vows to god and faces death as punishement but the nun continues to laugh. the mother superior demand to know what the occupation of the man she was with. The third nun answers that he was a "Jockey":cartman: :lol: :rotfl:

[hazey]

That was a good one chloe, I hadn't heard that one before. :rotfl:

[eastenderfan_91]

OK, here goes:

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka."

Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks and the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

This goes on for the next few nights. Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

:lol: lmao just got that, thats a great one :rotfl:

[hayley]

:rotfl: these are all great!

[alkalinetrio]

hahaha

[xXxJessxXx]

didnt get the first one. or if i did i didnt find it funny. lol :hmm:

[xXxJessxXx]

:rotfl: :lol: hehe <........... to the second joke

[Chloe-Elise]

:lol: :cheer: The second 1 was brilliant :D