eastenders comedy

[crazy_purple]

This is a comedy version of each Eastenders episode - I used to do them on the BBC forums before they closed, and I liked writing them so I thought I'd start again :) I'll do a trial thingy here first to see if you like them or not :angel: this is of the August 9th episode

(In the squat)
Demi: This is ‘opeless.
Leo: It ain’t! We’ll be all right.
Demi: There’s no milk powder left for Aleesha!
Leo: *mumbles* I was hungry...
Demi: What?
Leo: “I’m sorry”.
Demi: It don’t change anything! We -
Random prostitute: Mornin’.
Demi: Er...

(In the Vic)
Dennis: Where’s Den? You must know something.
Chrissie: I don’t know anything.
Dennis: Oh, come on. Don’t make me take off my shirt.
Chrissie: ....I beg your pardon?
Dennis: I will, you know.
Chrissie: What the-?
Dennis: *whispers* You know you want me Chrissie. And I don’t blame you. I want me
too.
Chrissie: *jumps up* I think I’ll be leaving now!
Dennis: Noooooo! Come baaaack! You haven’t seen my six-pack yet! Waaait!

(In the cafe)
Minty: What are you doing tonight?
Emma: *quickly* Sleeping.
Minty: Nothing else?
Emma: Uh... Washing my hair?
Minty: Oh. You can’t come over to mine then?
Emma: I can, I just... would rather not.
Minty: Eh?
Emma: I’m really sorry, Minty... but I just don’t fancy you. Anyway, byeee! *leaves*
Minty: OMFG! Dumped! *cries* Rejected! *weeps* Cast off! *sobs* .... Ah well.

Please tell me what you think, I'll do a bit more if you want :)

[Charmed]

:rotfl: Funny!Yeah,do some more.

[Layne]

Dennis: Noooooo! Come baaaack! You haven’t seen my six-pack yet! Waaait!

I want to see it!!
This is great please do more, i loved it, its different to all the other scripts!! Comedy! :rotfl:

[Kim]

Great, Please do more.

[hannah-mj]

really good do more plz :D

[crazy_purple]

OK here's the rest of that episode then :)

Demi: Oh, I give up. Let's phone Pauline.
Leo: Who?
Demi: *shrug* Just some random.

(in Pauline's house)
*the phone plays the Crazy Frog tune*
Pauline: *dances* Ding ding di-
Martin: :hmm:
Pauline: Go away. You're not even in this scene.
*picks up phone*
Pauline: Yo.
Demi: Pauline, Aleesha's milk powder's ran out!
Leo (in background): She was gutted!
Pauline: Demi? Is that you?
Demi: Yeah - no time to explain, just meet me in the church quick!
Pauline: It's a bit early for the last rites, dear -
*Demi hangs up*
Pauline: Tch. Young people.

(in the church)
Leo: Wow... purdy...
Demi: Are churches usually left open all day like this?
Leo: Well, yeah, it's not like chavvy drug-dealers are gonna wander in or anything.
Pauline: Hello?
Demi: Can you take Aleesha home with you plzkthanx?
Pauline: Wha-?
(Demi and Leo leave)
Pauline: Well, that's just great. (shouts) I'll be seeing you, then! Tch. Young people. In my day -
(A hymnbook sails out of nowhere and hits her on the head)
Pauline: Ow! Hey...



I was just wondering - the "gutted!" thing - do the chavvy types in other areas say it too? I'm in Donny ( :cheer: ) and it's kind of the thing, but do they do it everywhere else too? :confused:

[hannah-mj]

good good , and about the gutted thing , yeah they did about 2 years ago but its kinda not said no morre :)

[Charmed]

This script is totally funny!I love it

[crazy_purple]

This one'll be rubbish because I only caught the last 5 minutes of the episode just now :mad: And I'm annoyed because I thought it looked worth watching too. *goes and cries in corner* But never mind, I've looked at the updates on the official site and I'll do my best... :angel:

(the Millers' house)
Pauline: Coo-ee. Anyone want a baby?
Rosie: Aleesha! OMFG Where'd you find her where is Demi is she okay why did she leave Aleesha?! TELL ME NOOOOWWWW!!!! *wheezes*
Pauline: Um, I kind of... forgot to ask where they were staying. Oopsie. Silly me.
Rosie: You forgot?!
Pauline: Yeah. Tch. Well, guess I'll be going. Martin'll be wanting his tea. *leaves*
Rosie: *falls on carpet dramatically* NOOOOO!!!!!
Genghis: *joins in and howls*

(the squat)
Demi: What do we do now?
Leo: Hmm... I know! Let's go to the seaside!
Demi: Yay!
Leo: But I'll have to sell the drugs first.
Demi: No! No crime! We are law-abiding people who have never done anything illegal! Apart from having underage sex, but hey.
Leo: We've got no choice! here, take my watch, I'll be back in an hour. *leaves*
Demi: Wait... I've got his watch... He's gonna make sure he's back in exactly an hour... Am I missing something here?

(the Miller's house)
Genghis: Ruff! Woof! Bark! Hoooowl!
Keith: What is it boy?
Genghis: Ruff ruff whiiine...
Keith: What? He's stuck in the abandoned mineshaft?!
Genghis: :wall:
Keith: Let's go see Ray.
Genghis: Ruff ruff You fool! ruff ruff!
Keith: What?
Genghis: *looks innocent*

(At Ray's house)
Trisha: No. I don't know where they are.
(two minutes later)
Trisha: Oh wait, yes I do.

(the squat)
Leo: Ooh, fish and chips... Dustbin-fresh...
(later)
Leo: Oh whoa. Poster! Whee!
*runs upstairs*
Leo: Hey Demi! We don't need to do this! We can go home! Everything's fine!
Demi: Bleurgh.
Leo: Man, I hate irony.

Leo: Noooo! You can't do this! Please!
Demi: Bleurgh.
Leo: Well, clearly since she's dead, I must -

*goes over into tomorrow's episode*

Shakespeare: *spins in his grave*

[hannah-mj]

Demi: Wait... I've got his watch... He's gonna make sure he's back in exactly an hour... Am I missing something here?Lol funny :D

[hayzie]

:lol: im loving this! it is better to see the funny side of things in ee and somethings were just so stupid like when they ran out the church and just left poor pauline on her own lol! i love this bit: :D


Rosie: *falls on carpet dramatically* NOOOOO!!!!!
Genghis: *joins in and howls*

[Kim]

lol.

[feelingyellow]

this is fab! :D

[samantha nixon]

these are all really good

[Layne]

These are great!

[phils little sister]

these are great :D well done! cant wait for the next part :cheer:

[Tamzi]

These are really good

[CrazyLea]

lol that was all rally funny. reminds me of something that alistair mcgowan would do lol

[crazy_purple]

I don't really want to do a parody of that episode because it made me :crying: But i will anyway :rolleyes: It'll be a short one -

Leo: There's no point anymore.
Demi: *twitch*
Leo: I suppose this is it then. *gets needle*
*Me: :sick: *
Demi: *yawns and stretches* Well, that was a nice nap.
Leo: Wha-? Oh, ...fiddlesticks.
Demi: Leo? What's the matter?
Leo: *is deaded*
Demi: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Demi: Help! Please!
Some random: Spiders... spiders... coming out the walls... arglebargle fzzurp.

(in Vic)
Dennis: We haven't got anything concrete to go on to find Den with.
Chrissie: :lol: - Ahem.

(at hospital)
Doctor: *for some reason, sounds permanently angry* He's flatlining.
Leo: *dreams of Demi and Aleesha :crying: *
Doctor: Ah, let's give up. Anyone want to grab a burger?
Other doctors: Yeah.
Doctor: Sure. *stops saving Leo and tosses stethoscope over shoulder* "Fourteen. What a bloody waste." *(he actually did say that and it made me :crying: so bad... :o )*

*Me: (Having weird Puss-in-Boots moment from Shrek 2) Whatever happens... I must not cry. ..... (Starts sobbing) * :p

[Charmed]

Good.Put a little light to Leo's death,I was gobsmacked when the doctor did just give up on him.I felt like hitting the TV,doctors should learn to never give up!

I know Leo would have died anyway,but it feels good having someone to blame it on!

[CrazyLea]

yeah but there was nothing more they could do lol :p

and good script love it!

[crazy_purple]

Tonight's episode :)

Ian: *on mobile* Yeah Dot, I'll be back soon, okay? Fine.
Huge sign behind him: Turn mobile phones off!
Ian: *sees it* Oopsie.

Naomi: He was in the hospital carpark in his car, er...
Sonia: Go on...
Naomi: No, I can't. It's too horrible.
Sonia: Naomi, we're nurses. What can it possibly have been, that's worse than what we deal with?
Naomi: You won't like it.
Sonia: I'll be fine! Carry on.
Naomi: Well, he was, er... Giving a sample. An... intimate sample.
Sonia: :eek:
Naomi: Well, you look Ok, you're not -
Sonia: :eek:
Naomi: Sonia?
Sonia: :eek:
Naomi: Oh dear. That expression's been permanently frozen on her face! Nooo! Quick, call a nurse! .... Oh, wait, I am a nurse.


I'm sorry, I can't think of anything much... Heeeeelp.. :crying: Maybe it means that the actual show is getting better, and that there's not as much I can laugh at... Or maybe my brain cells are just disappearing by the second - 8 weeks off school, you see :thumbsup: .

I definitely won't be able to do one for Friday, because I'll be in lovely old London (yay) watching a show at exactly 8pm. And Alfie will be in that episode too... and he's like, the easiest character ever to parody, along with the Molfie storyline. Woe... Never mind. I'll be back late on Sunday. (OMG missing teh omnibus! More woe! :rolleyes: )

[Layne]

This is great love reading them! I liked Leos dies one! Even though i did cry throughout the show! But you made it alot funnier!!!
More soon please
layne
x x x

[Emma-Lou]

Those are really good and funny

[Charmed]

Are you gonna post more episodes?'Cause these are brilliant!

[crazy_purple]

:eek: Sorry i completely forgot about this script, I only remembered when I saw it on the front page :o I'll do some more now, sorry about the huge delay :rolleyes:

Just to set the scene...
Sam: *is crazified, and has terrible hair*
Chrissie: *is wearing a rather bizzarre dress*
Sharon: *is wearing white. I'll say no more.*
Dennis: *:wub: Yum.*
Kat: *rules*
Alfie: *nincompoop*
Little Mo: *Frank Spencer's more pathetic sister*
Dot: *Has the best line ever: "They've arrested Betty?!" :lol: *
Tracey: *finally gets a starring role! Whoo!*
Den: *RIP: Rotting In Pub*

Sam spots a Convenient Pickaxe (from props department.)
Sam: *Crazy! Sooo crazy!*

Sharon and Dennis: I do.
Some kid in the back: Is this even legal?

Tracey: Hellooo? Anyone there?
Sam: *best evil grin EVER. But still terrible hair.*

Sam: Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go... *whistles*
Den: *is deaded*
Sam: OMG SHOE!

Sharon: OMG CAKE!

Policeman: Mrs Hunter, you're under arrest -
Sam: Ack! You're squishing Den!
Policeman: *jumps aside quick* Uh...

Ian: Sharon, they've found a body.
Sharon: What, in your sausage rolls?
Ian: No, in the Vic.
Sharon: Oh well. Ooh, look at teh pretty CAKE!

Sharon: Wait, isn't that a coffin?
Coffin: Hey, baby.
Sharon: Ur.... *does the most dramatic faint ever, which was kind of parody-proof because I was laughing so hard.*

[hannah-mj]

hehe keep goin its funny :D

[Carrie Bradshaw]

:rotfl: That's really funny!

[feelingyellow]

:rotfl: LOL, that's fab - convenient pickaxe! :D :cheer: ur great well done! :thumbsup: :lol:

[crazy_purple]

Crowd outside Elstree: Free Betty! Free Betty!
Elstree guard: Oh, shut up. Didn't anyone ever tell you 'it won't get better if you picket?'

:rotfl:

Policeman: *walks into Sam's cell* Now, Mrs Hunter -
Sam: :sick: Bleurghack.
Policeman: Oh, great. Ruin my best uniform, why don't you. I only washed it this morning!

Chrissie: No you've got it wrooong, that can't be Den!!! *wins an Oscar*
Sharon: OMG Chrissie... *they cry on each others' shoulders*
Dennis: *is distracted by Chrissie's extremely bizarre dress*
I: *am distracted by Dennis in a suit.*

(later)
Kat: You'd better keep Zoe out of this, or I keel you! *karate chop*
Chrissie: I will! *terrified*
Kat: Good. Oh, loving the dress by the way.
Chrissie: Thank you.

Sam: It was Chrissie!
Chrissie: Oh, no. It was totally Sam.
Sam: She's a murderer!!!!
Chrissie: Am not.
Sam: Am too.
Chrissie: Am not - look, officer, she's clearly psycho. I mean, just look at her hair!
Sam: Just look at her dress!
Policeman: She's got a point.
Chrissie: Heyyy. I paid good money for this outfit.
Policeman: Oh please tell me you didn't.

Policeman: So what do you know about Mrs Hunter?
Alfie: She was very upset when she lost the pub. And her husband wasn't very nice.
Policeman: "Wasn't very nice"?
Alfie: *shrugs*
Me: *facedesk* You wanted him to dieeee, you moron....

Chrissie: *covers her tracks very well by planting Den's mobile in Sam's flat*

Chrissie: Tee hee, I'm a master criminal, tee hee.

The Walford police: Oh well. It was clearly Sam who killed him. She also clearly had superhuman strength enough to pickaxe through solid concrete while blind drunk. Nothing strange there.
Me: I know what you need in a case like this... Columbo! He'd solve it in about a minute... and he's funny! You lot are just stupid.
Policeman: Heyyyy. I resent that.

Police: Mrs Fowler, we need to take this doorstop.
Pauline: Why? Are you adding it to the force?
Police: No. *leaves*
Dot: What's going on?
Pauline: they've took my dog!
Dot: *best line ever* They've arrested Betty?! * :thumbsup: *

Sam: It was CHRISSIEEEEE!!!!
Policeman: Put a sock in it.

That's all for last week's episodes, I shall do tonight's later :)

[Emma-Lou]

:rotfl: thats reaaly funny especiaaly the bit about Chrissie dress :rotfl:

[Layne]

This is fab!!!1 :cheer: write more when you can!

[xXxJessxXx]

:lol: this is rather funny

[crazy_purple]

Sam: No. Do not phone my mum. Under absolutely no circumstances may you phone my mum. Got that, Billy? I forbid it!
Billy: Okay.

Billy: *trying to be a 'proper Mitchell', bless him.* Bleh what should I dooo? Oh, I know! I'll do that thing Sam said I couldn't do even if hell freezes over.

Kat: *merrily drunk* Tomorrah, tomorrah, ah luv ya, tomorrah...
Me: *overdosed on cockney*
Alfie: OMG Kat! :wub: :wub: :wub: *falls back in love with her... ah, the power of songs from Annie...*

Little Mo: Aw Alfie, isn't it nice when you finally meet your soulmate, who you have that special magic with, who you love more than anything else in the world and nothing could ever get in the way?
Alfie: Oh dear God what am I doing?! I :heart: Kat! *runs to find her*
Little Mo: I was talking about you and me, you doofus.

Alfie: Kat stoooop! Don't leave me! I luv you lots and lots :wub:
Kat: I love you too!
*Teh dramatic snogging ensues.*
Me: :thumbsup: :crying: The only thing that could make this better was if Little Mo saw them.

Policewoman: Sam you've got a visitor.
Sam: Bleh. It'll only be Billy.
Peggy: 'Allo sweetheart.
Sam: :eek: OMGWTF????

----------------------------

Whoo Kalfie!

[crazy_purple]

my computer has gone crazified and the board isn't showing that i've replied :thumbsdow i've just added this so people can tell there's a new piece :rolleyes:

Am I the only one who finds the word "merry/merrily" funny? :o :p

[crazy_purple]

Mourning the death of Kalfie, and the sudden involvement of table.

----------------

Alfie: So we can't move in together yet?
Kat: No, I want to take things slow. Like I have been doing, you know. When we weren't even together and I kept jumping on you every two seconds. Yeah.
Alfie: Okay... but then how will we make little Kats and Alfies?
*Me: Yayyyy!*
Kat: Well, the usual way, I'd think - oh my God! *over the moon, whee*
Alfie: What do you think?
Kat: I :wub: little Kats and Alfies!
Alfie and Kat: Yay!

Billy: Oh so druuunk. What should I do? Oh, I know. *grabs mic*Alfie and Little Mo are together! Mwahahaha! *evil laugh*

Kat: :eek: WTF?
Alfie: Oh s**t.
*Me: Nooooooooooooooo!*

Kat: *Turns into the Incredible Hulk*: You stole husband! You must pay!
*Most of the audience: Whoooo!*
Mo: *some cr*ppy excuse*
Kat: HAAAATE YOU!!!!
Mo: *snivels*
Kat: (great line...) This has been going on for nine months?! (my thoughts exactly :p )
Mo: I'm not Mo, I'm Maureen, and you can shut the hell up.
Kat: *eyeroll* Really.

*later*

Alfie: Can we talk?
Kat: I haaaate you too!
Alfie: I'm sooo sorry...
Kat: I keel you! *throws bottle at him*
Alfie: Argh!
*huge argument*
Kat: I feel like you've just ripped my heart out and chucked it in the bin!
Alfie: I know, and I'm sorry!
*starey moment*
Kat: *!table!*
Alfie: *!table!*
*The table: Well, this wasn't in my job description.*

----------

[hayley]

This is soooooooo funny!!!!

[Carrie Bradshaw]

:rotfl: I'm just laughing away merrily to myself!!

[feelingyellow]

lol, the table!!! woooo, excellent! your fabb!

[hannah-mj]

wooweee funny stuff hehe :D

[Charmed]

Yep,hope you do some of the funeral!

[crazy_purple]

VICIOUS THUG: I keel you!

PEGGY: OMG no please don’t!

BILLY: *jumping out of RANGE ROVER OF DOOM* Unhand that wench, or I keel you muchly!

VICIOUS THUG: Oh, yeah? You and whose army?

RANGE ROVER OF DOOM: *snicker*

GRANT: ‘Allo, Mum.

PEGGY: Buh...?

GRANT: *to VICIOUS THUG* Now is the time for a$s-kicking.

VICIOUS THUG: Oh sh*t.

PHIL and GRANT: A-one! A-two! A-three! *they swing him into some bushes*

VICIOUS THUG: Wheee! Er, I mean, OW.

GRANT: ‘Allo, Mum.

PEGGY: Didn’t you say that already?

GRANT: Oh yeah.


JAKE and CHRISSIE: *are getting it on, squee*

GARRY: *reads ancient Chinese books? ....wait...*


PEGGY: So, Phil, how come you’re not in prison?

PHIL: *mumbles* No evidence blah... shupfth... We don’t talk about that anymore.

PEGGY: Oh, okay.

GRANT: What’s for tea?

PAT: .....

PHIL and GRANT wander through the Square, reminiscing fondly.

PHIL: And remember when we broke that guy’s arm and then pretended we totally didn’t?

GRANT: *wiping happy tear from eye* Good times.

PHIL: Yes, good.... OMG CHAVS!

GRANT: WHERE!?!?

PHIL: Quick! After them!

GRANT: I DON’T WANNA DIE!!!!

PHIL: ....

GRANT: ....

CHAV: Too slow Grandpa! *runs away*

GRANT: ME HULK!


JOHNNY: Who the hell are you?

PHIL: Phil Mitchell. Pleased to meet you.

JOHNNY: A pleasure *they shake hands* Who’s he?

GRANT: ME SMASH!

JOHNNY: ....

PHIL: My brother.

GRANT: Stay away from our mum or there will be a$s-kicking.

JOHNNY: *wimbles* Don’t hurt me.


*PHIL and GRANT break into the Vic without a crowbar or anything, because they are Just. That. Bad.*

GRANT: I’m baaaaaack!

CHRISSIE: Huh?

GRANT: Boo.

CHRISSIE: OH NOES!

DENNIS: Okay, I’m totally gonna hit you now.

GRANT: Fair enough.

DENNIS: It will hurt.

GRANT: Okay.

DENNIS: *swings at GRANT, but GRANT ducks and then grabs him and smashes him against the piano*

GRANT: *grabs barstool* RAAAA!

SHARON: *appearing from nowhere* Noooo Grant don’t hurt my husband!

GRANT: HUSBAND WTF?

SHARON: *isn’t even surprised to see GRANT back after five years* Now I will stare at you in a sultry manner.

GRANT: Fine by me.

DENNIS: Hey-!

[Tamzi]

That's really good. The episode last night was actually funny in a good way, but you made it hilarious!
xxx

[feelingyellow]

:rotfl: that was really good, well done! :thumbsup:

[Layne]

:lol: Fab!

[Kim]

Brill. :)

[lil baby tash]

ha ha ha this is bloddy funny ha ha ha ha i keel you from the vicious thug ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[big bro fan]

that's well good

[crazy_purple]

I'll do another one after EE tonight but this is just a random one of last night's Lost that I felt like doing (I need to write funny stuff! my other script is depressing) :p

SHANNON: So Boone, what have you been doing with Locke in the jungle?
BOONE: .... Nothing. Totally nothing.
SHANNON: Oh. Because I'm getting worried about you sneaking off at night to be with a strange man in the hot, exciting jungle...
BOONE: .....Shut up.

HURLEY: Jack? Can I ask you something?
JACK: Sure, step into my office.
HURLEY: .... Anyway, I've kind of been eating too much fruit and it is NOT GOOD.
JACK: *giggle*
HURLEY: What are you, twelve?
JACK: You need fish.
HURLEY: Well, that's... that's great. Where do you propose I look for fish, doofus?
JACK: ....In the ocean?
HURLEY: .... Right, right.

KATE: *has my name, squee* Dude, hiding behind a leaf doesn't make you invisible.
JACK: ... I knew that.
KATE: Why do you keep ogling me?
JACK: Because you are hawt. Because.... you're interesting.
KATE: And hot.
JACK: That too.
KATE: Let me show you something.
JACK: Does it involve your chest?
SUN: Welcome to Sun's Secret Herb Garden! May I take your order?
JACK: Wow, awesome!
SUN: What, you never seen a garden before? Wow, it's a damn good thing I don't speak English, isn't it?
KATE: I found her working here a while ago. I've been helping her.
SUN: If by 'helping' you mean 'trampling all over the place and getting in my way with your crappy American non-green fingers', SURE.
KATE: So, Sun can't speak English. Weird, huh?

BOONE: So, what exactly are we going to do today?
LOCKE: Stare at the hatch. Going "ooo..."
BOONE: Not try and open it or anything?
LOCKE: Hell no. It's only episode *checks watch* somethingorother.
BOONE: Because Shannon is getting suspicious. I think I should tell her about the hatch.
LOCKE: *ties him up and leaves him for dead in the forest*
BOONE: Woe!

HURLEY: Hey, man.
JIN: *stares at him*
HURLEY: So, you're Korean, huh?
JIN: *raises eyebrow*
HURLEY: Will you help me catch a fish?
JIN: ....
HURLEY: Okay then! Ignore me! Doofus.
JIN: *thinking* I really wish I knew what he was saying.

KATE: And then he said "No, really?" and then I said "sure, why not?" and then he said -
SUN: WOMAN, SHUT UP!
KATE: OMG you speak English?
SUN: ...no!
KATE: OMG you totally do!
SUN: *eyeroll* Why am I stuck here with these damn people?

BOONE: So, the bald sexy guy has left me tied up in the hot, steamy jungle to wither away and die....
A TREE: Ha ha! *like Nelson from the Simpsons*
BOONE: ....Dude, Shannon was totally right. Never trust the bald sexy guy.
SHANNON: Boooooone....
BOONE: What?
SHANNON: Heeeelp! Locke tied me up!
BOONE: Oh noes!
SHANNON: Heeeelp me.....
BOONE: Did he say why he tied you up?
SHANNON: ..... Um, no. Not at all.
BOONE: ....
BEAST: RAAAAAA!
*tree-crashing abounds*
SHANNON: ARGHHHH IT"S COMING!
BOONE: Well, duh!
*Somehow he gets free and unties SHANNON*

*FLASHBACK*
BOONE: You tricked me out of 50,000 dollars! I hate you!
SHANNON: You totally love me.
BOONE: Do not.
SHANNON: Do too.
BOONE: Do n-
SHANNON: *licks his ear*
BOONE: Oh, God.

HURLEY: Sea urchin! Sea urchin!
JIN: *eyeroll* Do me and Sun have to do everything around here? The rest of you are just dumb.
HURLEY: It bit me! *cries*
JIN: For the love of...

BOONE: Ruuuun!
SHANNON: Ruuuun!
THE BEAST: Stand still!
BOONE: Huh?
SHANNON: *is deaded*
BOONE: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
THE TREES: Woe.

HURLEY: Man, that sea urchin was evil.
JIN: *hands him a fish* Now will you shut up?
HURLEY: Oh, thanks, man.

BOONE: You indirectly killed Shannon! I keel you!
LOCKE: Why is there no blood on you?
BOONE: ...
LOCKE: Yeah, smarta$s.
BOONE: OMG she's aliiiiiiive!
LOCKE: ...So, how'd you feel when she died?
BOONE: Relieved.
EVERYONE: Gasp!
LOCKE: Okay. Now come with me.

SHANNON: So, I'm not dead.
SAYID: Cool.
SHANNON: Isn't it?
SAYID: Yay!
SHANNON and SAYID: *gaze into each other's eyes* Sigh.

[crazy_purple]

Okay, so now I'm totally going to do Lost episodes as well. I should probably start a new thread but I've got about a hundred going at once anyway so they're staying in here. I'll do Lost on a Thursday, and EE will be up... whenever I can be bothered. Because I :heart: Lost (namely Charlie, but the whole show is good :D )

[feelingyellow]

wow, the lost one is fab :cheer: good your doing more of it :D

[the_watts_rule]

There really funny!

[crazy_purple]

Thursday's EastEnders:

GRANT: Husband?
SHARON: Yes!
DENNIS: Er, could someone separate me from the piano, please?
SHARON: *picks him up* Phil, why aren't you in prison?
PHIL: *murmurs* Because arglebarge blurp.
SHARON: ....
PHIL: Well, I'm here now! *happily*
DENNIS: You two better get out, or I'll totally beat you up. With one hand.
GRANT: I just chucked you about the room like a pillow case. And you still keep threatening us...
PHIL: He's either very stupid or very very hardman.
DENNIS: ....
GRANT: Well, I know which one I'll go for.
SHARON: Leave my husband alone! He is teh sex.
GRANT: No way! I'm sexier than him any day of the week!
SHARON: How about Friday?
GRANT: ....
PHIL: Hey, why is no-one mentioning me? I'm quite good-looking.
SHARON: ....
GRANT: .....
DENNIS: ....
CHRISSIE: ....
PHIL: *cries*


RUBY: I'm having so much fun with these silly, uncivilised people!
KAT: Who's for beans on toast!
RUBY: Beans.... on toast?
JOHNNY: (outside) Let me in, or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow this house down!
KAT: Sigh. I'll get it.
JOHNNY: Dude, the line is 'not by the hair on my chinny-'
KAT: What do you want?
JOHNNY: Give me my daughter back!
KAT: Fat chance. She's happy with us.
JOHNNY: Until she gets tired of beans on toast.
KAT: *shocked* OMG Do not insult the beans! Precious beans!
JOHNNY: I wouldn't like to be the one using the bathroom after you guys, is all I'm saying.
KAT: You leave now.
JOHNNY: Don't you want your letters?
KAT: *snort* Purlease, I invented the hand-slammy in door trick.
JOHNNY: ....
KAT: GET OUUUUUUT!
JOHNNY: *wibbles* Okay.

PEGGY: What are you boys going to do now?
PHIL: We're gonna go see Sam.
PEGGY: Without a visiting order or anything?
PHIL: .... That place is like my second home. They'll welcome me with open arms... *nostalgic sigh*
BILLY: Can I come?
GRANT: No.
BILLY: *bottom lip trembles* You never take me anywhere!
GRANT: I took you to the shops once.
BILLY: That's not the same! *cries*
PHIL: We have to go.
GRANT: Yes.
BILLY: *sniffle*

RUBY: Yay! Selling these garments on this low-class market stall is perfect for getting my own back on Daddy!
KAT: Skirts, three for a parnd!
JOHNNY: OMG Ruby what are you doing mixing with these people?!
RUBY: Hmph. I'm having fun.
JOHNNY: You're embarrassing me and you're embarrassing yourself!
RUBY: Am not.
JOHNNY: You're just doing this to make a point!
RUBY: *eyeroll* Never.
JOHNNY: This is a disgrace to the family! Come home at once!
RUBY: I don't want your dirty money! Go away!
JOHNNY: ...The same dirty money that provided the clothes you're wearing and the food you ate for the last 17 years?
RUBY: *throws little-rich-girl tantrum*
JOHNNY: Technically, if you were really serious about this, you'd tear off those clothes bought with dirty money and go around in a binbag or something.
RUBY: SHUT UP.
KAT: Go away Johnny. She doesn't want you. She's MIIIIINE! *hugs her*
JOHNNY: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
STACEY: You know, Kat, you should really stop kind of adopting every kid that appears in the Square.
KAT: SHUT UP I want a baby.

[Tamzi]

That was good. Loved the Billy, Grant and phil bit.
xxx

[big bro fan]

very very very very very very very very funny please post more soon please :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[feelingyellow]

hilarious! well done :thumbsup:

[crazy_purple]

Friday 28th EE episode

IAN: You know, it really is true - you can't run a garage without mechanics.
PHIL: Hey.
IAN: *wibbles* Don't hurt me.
PHIL: Half the reason I hate you is because you're such a cowardly girlpants.
IAN: I want my mommy...

PEGGY: Sharon, don't lean against that wall. You don't know where it's been.
SHARON: I am so torn up in my emotions woe!
PEGGY: There, there, dear. Hey, how about you go see Sam?
SHARON: STFU NEVER.

PATRICK: Hey Phil, do you think I could buy the car lot?
PHIL: Well, sure! I'd be delighted.
~ME: Waiiit... does he even own the car lot? I thought the Mitchells famously lost all their empire to- ~
PHIL: STFU, woman.
~ME: Eep. ~

PHIL: Chrissie killed Den, Chrissie killed Den, nyer nyer nyer!
CHRISSIE: *cries* I don't know how much more of this I can take.
JAKE: Despite the fact you've dealt with it fine for the last... eight months...?
CHRISSIE: Oh, I don't mean that, I meant his distractingly red tomato head.
JAKE: Oh, I know, it's killing me too.
JAKE and CHRISSIE: *huggle*

TINA: I'm losing Johnny, Pat! *bawls*
PAT: Well, you've got to fight for him.
TINA: ..... Why?
PAT: I don't know... it was in the script.

DENNIS: Stay away from my wife.
GRANT: Shut up, or I piano you.
A PIANO: *plays notes menacingly*
DENNIS: EEK!

RANDOM WOMAN: My car, please?
IAN: Er, you see, well....
RANDOM WOMAN: Hmph! I'm leaving!
RANDOM KIDS: Yay, we're extras!

SHARON: So, you killed my father.
SAM: NO, SHARON. I AM YOUR FATHER.
SHARON: .....
SAM: ...Sorry, wrong script.
SHARON: Anyway... OMG WTF WHY'D YOU DO IT?!
SAM: I totally didn't, it was Chrissie.
SHARON: LIAH!
SAM: She gave me £1000 on March 10th. And the last thing she said before she bashed your dad over the head with a doorstop was "THEY'VE ARRESTED BETTY?!"
SHARON: ....
SAM: Damn it, I can't even remember my own lines. She said she might not have been the only squishy he'd had in his life, but she'd certainly be his last.
SHARON: *weeps* She was his squishy...
SAM: So, we've established that Chrissie killed Den, yes?
SHARON: NO! *runs away*
SAM: I hate it when they do that.

*SHARON is being very sneaky and looking at the Vic's accounts, but isn't sneaky enough to actually SHUT THE DOOR. If anyone walks past they can totally see what she's doing.*
CHRISSIE: OMFG what are you doing?
SHARON: Being sneaky.
CHRISSIE: Really. Why are you looking at my accounts? They're MY accounts. MINE.
SHARON: Sorry, I just wanted to check you didn't kill my father or anything.
CHRISSIE: Oh... alright then.
SHARON: And you plainly did give £1000 to Sam on 10th March...
CHRISSIE: Well, if you read it properly, you'd notice it just said "personal cheque". Well done, Sherlock.
SHARON: ....You didn't kill my father, did you?
CHRISSIE: Of course not! He was my squishy and I loved him! You were the first woman in his life, though. In a way that totally isn't creepy in any way. No. Totally not.
SHARON: OMG! The same words!
CHRISSIE: How are they the same-?
SHARON: Must dash!

SHARON: Waaaaait! I know Chrissie killed my dad!
GRANT: Yay!
*The duf-dufs start on SHARON's pout*

[feelingyellow]

:rotfl: excellent, can't wait for your next! :cheer:

[big bro fan]

wow very good

[Jada-GDR]

OMG FUNNY I WAS ACTUALLY LAUGHING (which wasn't a good thing because my brothers are trying to sleep) :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[Kim]

Sssssoooooooooo funny. This is ace! Please do more soon :)

[Emma-Lou]

:rotfl: they are really funny do more soon please :D

[crazy_purple]

Well I can't really do any more EE until after Monday's episode :p but in case any of you saw that random movie on Five last night, I'll do the last twenty minutes of that because I just turned on the TV and saw it, and I feel like it. :D I don't know any of the character's names though...

SOME GUY: Let's go and look for Sebastian.
SOME GUY NO. 2: Okay, but whatever you do, don't split up!
*They split up.*
SOME GUY: *goggles on* Look! Behind those heating pipes!
SOME SOON-TO-DIE GUY: The colour showing up on our thermal goggles couldn't possibly be caused by the heat in the pipes! Let's shoot him!
*They shoot the pipes, which is just... stupid.*
SOME SOON-TO-DIE GUY: Well, damn.
*They both take their goggles off. So they can't see where SEBASTIAN is. Very clever.*
SEBASTIAN: Aw, dudes, now I just have to kill you. So, you know, your stupidity isn't left in the gene pool.
SOME SOON-TO-DIE-GUY: Arghhhhh! *chokes*
SOME GUY: Nooooo! Some Guy!
*He sprays steam around, because it's not like he has a pair of heat-detecting goggles in his hand or anything.*
SOME GUY: You pay!
SEBASTIAN: Pffft. *leaves*
SOME SOON-TO-DIE GUY: *is now SOME DEAD GUY*
SOME GUY: Woe!

SOME SOON-TO-DIE GIRL: OMG he's here!
*She chucks blood around the room everywhere, so if SEBASTIAN comes towards her she'll be able to see his footprints.*
SEBASTIAN: ..... *doesn't move*
SOME SOON-TO-DIE GIRL: Sigh. Well, he clearly isn't in here. I'll just be going-
SEBASTIAN: I KEEL YOU!
SOME SOON-TO-DIE / DEAD GIRL: Ah, crap.

*SEBASTIAN impales most people in the room and locks the only people who are still alive in a freezer-thing. Conveniently, these two are the stars of the movie.*
SOME GIRL: Noooooo!
*SOME GIRL makes a handy electromagnet and opens the door from the inside. Kewl.*
SOME GUY: *is deaded*

SOME GIRL: *sprays fire onto SEBASTIAN*
SEBASTIAN: I'm melting! Melting! Oh, the woe!
*he becomes invisible again*
*SOME GIRL wanders down the corridor, until SEBASTIAN jumps on her from behind.*
SEBASTIAN: I keel you!
SOME GUY: Oh, no you don't!
SOME GIRL: I thought you were dead, or at last badly injured...
SOME GUY: Not any more! Come on, let's get out of here!
SEBASTIAN: Arrrrgh! *fries*

*SOME GUY and SOME GIRL climb up a ladder, escaping... fire... and massive explosions... damn, they must be fast.*
SOME GUY: We're nearly out! Hurry!
*SEBASTIAN grabs SOME GIRL*
SOME GIRL: GAH! WHY WON'T YOU DIE?!
SOME GUY: And how did you get up here so fast?
SEBASTIAN: Come on baby, one last kiss.
SOME GIRL: Ew ew ew ew ew... Okay. *they snog. But then she makes the lift fall and she holds onto a cable, and he is deaded.*
SOME GUY: Whooo, we did it!
*They hug. He is holding onto the last rung of a really weak ladder, and she is a foot below him, so ... what?*
SOME GUY: Baby, what exactly are you holding onto there?
SOME GIRL: Tee hee.

[crazy_purple]

Is it possible to change thread titles? I started this off as just EE scripts, but now I'm just adding any random thing that I find funny.

BTW, if anyone wants any show or film doing like this, then ask me and I'll do it :) (if I've seen it of course :p ) because I enjoy doing these and I don't want to wait until Monday to do another EE one.

Oh, and if you like this sort of stuff you should read Cleolinda http://www.livejournal.com/users/m15m , she's now got a really cool book out. I got the idea for these from there :)

[Kim]

I don't think its possible to change thread titles.

[crazy_purple]

Hey, it looks like I've started a trend...:p Oh well, it was my thing for a while... 15 minutes of fame :rolleyes: I do Lost too! :D Never mind I'm only joking, I'm bored because no-one's Trick-or-Treating us...

[crazy_purple]

double post, sorry

[crazy_purple]

EE, 31st October

*SHARON once again tries to be sneaky, but again she leaves the door conveniently open so anyone wandering past can see what she's doing. Again.*
CHRISSIE: Oh, this is just too easy.

PAT: *theatrical jump backwards* Dennis, you scared the life outta me!
DENNIS: Whatever.
PAT: I think Sharon's wondering where you are-
DENNIS: *throws a tantrum* I don't care! And I was never here!
PAT: He gets more like a girl every day.

CHRISSIE: Hi, Sharon. Want some toast?
SHARON: I'M NOT HUNGRY, B*TCH!
CHRISSIE: ....
SHARON: Sorry. My ex-fiance died in a fire three years ago today.
CHRISSIE: He did?
SHARON: Yes.
CHRISSIE: Wow, those scriptwriters really do know their stuff, huh?
SHARON: Sure do!

PHIL: Don't upset Dennis.
GRANT: Why? He's just a ponce. *actual line.. hee*
PHIL: I know, but don't upset him.
GRANT: Why not? Didn't he kind of frame you for armed robbery and make your life a living hell?
PHIL: Yeah, sure, but don't upset him.

TINA: Guess what Ruby...
RUBY: You're pregnant?
TINA: ... Not to my knowledge. No, me and Johnny are engaged! Squee!
RUBY: OMFG, do you have a deathwish or something?
TINA: I'd have settled for 'congratulations'...

SHARON: Stacey, I want to talk to you.
STACEY: Ruby can stay-
SHARON: No, I want to talk to you alooone. *When she says 'alooone', she moves her eyes in a really freaky way, which was the highlight of the whole show for me... hehe*
STACEY: What about?
SHARON: You should change your alibi.
STACEY: NEVAH!

JOHNNY: Guess what Ruby?
RUBY: You're pregnant?
JOHNNY: ... Me and Tina are-
RUBY: Engaged, oh yeah she already said.
JOHNNY: Gah! Woman!

JOHNNY: You can do nothing right I hate you we shouldn't be together!
TINA: ... What are you saying, Johnny?!
JOHNNY: For the love of...

GRANT: Change your alibi or I stab you.
STACEY: Eek.

KAT: Upset Stacey again and I keel you!
PHIL: Oh, now I'm scared.
GRANT: Yeah, terrified.
KAT: GRRR!
GRANT: ...
PEGGY: Kat, I won't involve you lot. I promised your dad I wouldn't, and you know I like your dad.
KAT: Oh, purlease. You only went out with him because the other, freakier one, was deaaad.
PEGGY: ...
KAT: What?
PEGGY: *sob* I loved him so very very much!
KAT: Incidentally, he was Zoe's biological father.
PEGGY: WTF?
KAT: *brightly* Never mind. You threaten Stacey, you die. Painfully.

*JOHNNY and SOME GIRL WHOSE NAME I CAN'T REMEMBER are getting it on in his office.*
RUBY: *listens at door* Ewwww...
~THE ENTIRE COUNTRY: Ewww.... ~
*RUBY still goes into the office anyway, because.... I really don't want to think about this.*

CHRISSIE: I can't do this anymore Jake! I need Sharon to think good of me! Even though I killed her father without an ounce of guilt, I need her to think good of me!
JAKE: Don't you mean 'well of me'?
CHRISSIE: ....
JAKE: Forget it...
*CHRISSIE then proceeds to confess the entire crime in detail, while they are standing in the club doorway, because... hell, there must be something about that place.*

CHRISSIE: Please buy the Vic I wanna leave...
JOHNNY: Jake, leave a second, wouldja?
JAKE: Hmph. *leaves*
JOHNNY: *removing coat* You know what I want. Now take your coat off.
CHRISSIE: What, seriously? Right here in your office?
JOHNNY: Yeah, baby.
CHRISSIE: *thinks* Think of Jake, think of Jake....*takes coat off*
*JOHNNY fools around with her for a minute, because he is ebil*
JOHNNY: Okay. Did you really think I'd do this?
CHRISSIE: WTF... Well, yeah. This place kind of has a history of gangsters bribing women to sleep wi-
JOHNNY: Shut up. Leave.
CHRISSIE: ...
JOHNNY: NOW!
CHRISSIE: *leaves* He crazy.
JAKE: Well, what happened?
CHRISSIE: Thankfully, nothing. But I think he has a thing about the taking of off coats. Maybe it's a fetish.
JAKE:.....

JOHNNY: *watches tape of CHRISSIE confessing* Hee.
~ME: So, let me get this straight. Practically the whole Square knows that Chrissie killed Den, but they're all saying nothing, so...~
JOHNNY: So this is fun!

[Jada-GDR]

that's great :D

[Tamzi]

The girl is Amy by the way. That was very good. GOod point about everyone knowing who killed Den! This is really funny.
xxx

[lil baby tash]

CHRISSIE: *leaves* He crazy.
JAKE: Well, what happened?
CHRISSIE: Thankfully, nothing. But I think he has a thing about the taking of off coats. Maybe it's a fetish.
JAKE:.....
[/i]


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA i nearly choked on my drink jhahahahahaha i like it!!!!

[Kim]

Great once again. Please do more.

[crazy_purple]

EastEnders 1st November

*PHIL hunts for anything incriminating in the Vic. He looks in every nook and cranny, but can't see anything.*
PHIL: GAH!
*He finally sees some papers... on a table...?*
PHIL: She really knows how to hide things, doesn't she?

*JOHNNY and AMY are getting it on in his office again. In a word: Ew.*
AMY: Hey, I didn't know you were going to give me a rise.
JOHNNY: *conveniently opens his eyes at just the right time to see TINA coming in on the camera* Out! Now!
AMY: Aw, no more wrinkly sex... *sob*
TINA: You're having an affair with her, aren't you?
JOHNNY: ...No. Totally not.
TINA: Admit it!
JOHNNY: Okay.
TINA: OMG!
JOHNNY: Oh, go take some Valium.
TINA: And you should take some Vi-
JOHNNY: Gasp!

RUBY: Tina!
*TINA stomps past, then coasts to a stop dramatically*
RUBY: I'm sorry.
TINA: It's not your fault... *hugs her*
RUBY: I wish people would stop hugging me all the damn time.
*TINA wanders off again*
RUBY: Tina!
*TINA does another dramatic stop, then spins around*
RUBY: ...Where'd they teach you that?

*PAT tries to get into the bookies, but the POSTMAN is rebelling against her*
PAT: Excuse me *goes right*
POSTMAN: Sorry. *also goes right*
PAT: Um... *goes left*
POSTMAN: Beg your pardon. *also goes left*
PAT: OMG this extra is totally after a line! Security!
*SECURITY GUARDS appear and drag away the poor POSTMAN*
POSTMAN: Nooo! I have a wife and kids! Pleeeeease!

PAT: You wouldn't believe the extras nowadays.
DENNIS: *girly sniff* No?
PAT: What's wrong?
DENNIS: Sharon won't play with me... *cries*
PAT: Aw. There, there. *pats him on the back*

AMY: C'mon Johnny...
JOHNNY: Not right now.
AMY: *cries* But without you I'm nothing... noooothing!

GRANT: So, my kids are cute, yes?
SHARON: *sniff* Yes.
GRANT: So, why haven'y you had kids yet?
SHARON: Ooh. Awkward.
GRANT: Eh?
SHARON: Years ago, I had an abortion and now I can't have babies...
GRANT: Aw, I'm sorry to hear that-
SHARON: And that little foetus, Grant? It was your foetus! *cries*
GRANT: OMG FOETUS!

DENNIS: She doesn't like me no more....
PAT: Oh, shut up. Act like a man, for God's sake.
DENNIS: They... didn't teach us that at acting school... *sob*

JOHNNY: Oh, great. Now comes the dramatic bag-packing scene.
TINA: Yep!
JOHNNY: You idiot.
TINA: I am so leaving.
JOHNNY: Pffft. No woman ever leaves me! I'm simply too goodlooking.
TINA: .... Right, I'm off.
JOHNNY: I KEEL!
TINA: Eek Ruby!
RUBY: WTF?

*TINA has one of the now legendary BLACK CAB exits*
RUBY: Don't go!
TINA: I have to!
THE CAB: Don't worry, I'll be back... sooooon....
RUBY: Really?
THE CAB: Yeah. There's to be a mass exodus at Christmas.
RUBY: Argh! *makes the sign of the cross at the BLACK CAB*

JOHNNY: Ruby no I neeeeed you!
RUBY: I hate you! You're a fake and a liar and a phoney and I hope I never set eyes on you again!
JOHNNY: .... You totally borrowed that from Sandy in Grease, didn't you?
RUBY: STFU! *leaves*
JOHNNY: NOOOOOOOOO!
GRANT: Oooh, that's too bad.
*JOHNNY goes to hit him, but misses and ends up in some bushes*
GRANT: Tee hee.

*DENNIS appears and symbolically offers JOHNNY his symbolic hand in a symbolic gesture of friendship and symbolism.*

[samantha nixon]

that is really good

[feelingyellow]

:rotfl: fab! keep it up :cheer:

[hannah-mj]

well done they are all great :D:D:D

[big bro fan]

wow very good :rotfl:

[Layne]

This is fab ! Well done honey, your so good at this i can't write comedy to save my life! x

[Elect-Death_13]

Just so you all know, I hang around with the person who writes these :D

[Jada-GDR]

lucky you :D
I think it's great especially the foetus part and the symbolism :rotfl: :rotfl:

[Elect-Death_13]

She printed one of these off and brought it to school today & everyone found it rather amusing XD [especially the symbolism part]

[crazy_purple]

I missed Thursday's ep and all but the last eight minutes of today's, so... yeah. This is gonna be short.

CHRISSIE: Yay! We're gonna get out of here!
JAKE: Wheee!
THE GODS OF IRONY: Meh.

PATRICK: Please can I give some of that wine I bought from you back?
CHRISSIE: *huuuuuge grin* Why yeeees! *astonishingly like the Scottish hotel guy from Little Britain*

JAKE: Johnny I want my money!
JOHNNY: Ahem. *shows him the CCTV tape - apparently, in an incredibly convenient way, his cameras also seem to have AMAZING ZOOM MICROPHONES attached*
JAKE: Nooo! The tape of Doom!
JOHNNY: And exposition!
JAKE: Aw, crap.

SHARON: OMG she's gone!
DENNIS: Ooh, this is really getting interesting now.
SHARON: *mouths to camera* National Television Award, baby.

JOHNNY: Hi. *lets BILLY stay in his office with the TAPE OF DOOM AND EXPOSITION on, because.... I really don't know. I truly don't. Anyone wanna take this one?*
BILLY: Ooh, this looks interesting. *plays tape*
CHRISSIE: *on tape* I'm a coldblooded murderess! Wheee!
BILLY: OMG!

GRANT: This is hopeless. Let's call the whole thing off, retire, and become peace-loving civilised members of society.
PHIL: Yes, let's.
BILLY: *bursting in* Guys I totally found a videotape where Chrissie confesses!
GRANT: Let's go break Johnny's arms!
PHIL: Yay!

[samantha nixon]

thats short but really good

[crazy_purple]

2nd November Lost episode ~I know what happens in the second series! Squee!~


LOCKE: Keep your eye on the target.
WALT: What the hell do you think I'm doing? Admiring the scenery?
LOCKE: Don't get smart with me, boy. I have knives.
*WALT hits a kewl bullseye on the tree, which LOCKE is oddly pleased about*
LOCKE: Yay! I taught a ten-year-old to throw knives!
MICHAEL: *appearing* OMG you're letting my kid play with knives?!
LOCKE: It's educational.
MICHAEL: I'LL EDUCATE YOUR A$S!
LOCKE: ....

*A Trip to the Department of Backstory*
MICHAEL: Yay I'm a daddy!
WALT'S MUM: Not any more! *steals WALT from his DADDY... awwwww*
MICHAEL: OMG! *promptly runs into road, gets ran over*

EVIL GUY: So, your son's mum is dead and he freaks me out so will you take him?
MICHAEL: ... But you adopted him....
EVIL GUY: He's psychic and he totally killed a bird WITH THE POWER OF HIS MIND.
MICHAEL: .... Okay, I'll have him.

WALT: You're not my dad.
MICHAEL: Oh yes I am!

*Back on the island with all the Lovely, Pretty People*
MICHAEL: YOU'RE GROUNDED!
WALT: ... Should I go to my room, or...?
MICHAEL: Shut up. *throws WALT's comic book on the fire, awww*
THE POLAR BEAR PIXELS: Argh! We're melting! Revenge shall be ours!

WALT: I wanna polar bear.
POLAR BEAR: Boo.
WALT: Awesome.
*It is not so awesome when it starts trying to gnaw his toes.*
WALT: DAAAAAD! *hiding in tree*

MICHAEL: OMG that's my son! And he summoned a polar bear WITH HIS MIND.
LOCKE: You think he's gonna be important later on?
MICHAEL: Not at all.

*They eventually manage to save WALT from the evil POLAR BEAR.*
WALT: Yay!
MICHAEL: Yay!
LOCKE: Yay!

*MICHAEL and LOCKE make friends, awwww.*

BOONE: Well, that was a strangely heartwarming episode.
CLAIRE: *stumbling out of bushes* Eh...
BOONE: PREGNANT LADY!

EVERYONE: Yay!

[crazy_purple]

She printed one of these off and brought it to school today & everyone found it rather amusing XD [especially the symbolism part]

Now you've just made me look sad :D and by everyone, you mean 2 people :rotfl:


Someone on our street has been setting of fireworks all night. Maybe I should tell them that it is the FOURTH of November today, for God's sake. And it's ever so slightly illegal to set off fireworks when it isn't a special occasion. Mischievious Night isn't special, it's just an excuse for the chavs to set each other on fire.:angry: Not that I have a problem with that :p

[Kim]

Brill. Please do more.

[hannah-mj]

wow these are well funny lolz!

[crazy_purple]

OK, that episode was funny anyway :lol: But here goes

JAKE: Look, about that tape-
JOHNNY: It isn't 'that tape'. It is the Tape of Doom and Exposition! TM me, all rights reserved.
JAKE: .... Well... Anyway, I told Chrissie.
JOHNNY: Why would you want to do that?
JAKE: Because I thought maybe she might like to know that she is up a certain creek without a paddle and sinking fast?
JOHNNY: ....Ew.
JAKE: Yes. So, now we all know.
JOHNNY: Oh, and Billy Mitchell does too.
JAKE: OMG!
JOHNNY: Hee. I love meddling.

~During this scene, I suddenly noticed that Grant moves his face in a very camp way. And I have been giggling about it ever since.~
PHIL: And that is why we should be polite and civil to Johnny until he is bowled over by our good looks and charm, and-
GRANT: Why can't we just kill him?
PHIL: Because we need him, doofus. And he has a guuuuun. A big one. *eye twinkle*
GRANT:....
PHIL: We ought to butter him up until he melts, like a... melting thing.
GRANT: I still say we ought to kill him.

ALFIE: Hey, Jake.
JAKE: Can't stop! There's a Tape of Doom and Exposition on the loose!
ALFIE: Oh dear God, not another one.

THE PEOPLE READING THIS: Heeey! There wasn't even a scene with Alfie and Jake in today! You just made that up to get a cheap laugh. Didn't you?
ME: *hangs head in shame*

JOHNNY: Ruby, let me buy you some food!
RUBY: I'd rather starve.
JOHNNY: *gasp* Fine! Be that way! *turns away and starts crying*

PEGGY: I've worked out why Johnny's doing this. He thinks I took his daughter from him, so by keeping mine in prison he's getting revenge! Damn poetic justice!
GRANT: Aw. Soon he will die.
PEGGY: What?
GRANT: I said 'soon he will die'.
PEGGY: Oh, that's alright. I thought you said 'you need height'.
GRANT: .... Hee.

JAKE: So, I'll get the money, yes?
JOHNNY: Oh, yes. Just do one last job for me. I need you to drive the car so I can take them somewhere far away to shoot them brutally, while they hold onto each other and cry like little girls. Not unlike you did with Danny a while ago. Only this time you'll be driving.
JAKE: Yeah, no problem.

PHIL: Can I have the tape?
JOHNNY: Okay. *opens drawer and we think he's going to get the gun - gasp! - but he goes for the tape instead*
PHIL: Yay!
THE AUDIENCE: Wha... Buh... *wanders away, holding its head*
JOHNNY: Just say please.
PHIL: ... Please?
GRANT: *barging in* STOP! OMG! You were about to use manners! Weren't you!
PHIL: I'm sorry...
GRANT: Argh there you go again! Nooo! *knocks JOHNNY out just for the hell of it, gets the tape*
JOHNNY: *is totally not knocked out!* Wait. *points gun at them*
GRANT: Go on then. My head's an easy target. It's so shiny and inviting. Come on, shoot me, you know you want to.
PHIL: Er, Grant...?
GRANT:... I didn't mean that.
RUBY: *entering room* OMG!
JOHNNY: You really are making it a habit of walking in at the most annoying times, you know.
RUBY: Put it down!
JOHNNY: *carries on pointing gun* No.
RUBY: THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS!
JOHNNY: ....
RUBY: PUT IT DOWN, DAMMIT!
JOHNNY: *wibbles* Okay. *drops gun*
PHIL and GRANT: Yay! *run away*
JOHNNY: Aw, damn.

EVERYONE: *runs upstairs in the Vic, but CHRISSIE and JAKE have run away* Ooh, now this is interesting...

[feelingyellow]

:rotfl: that was hilarious! well done :thumbsup:

[crazy_purple]

I might do some of Neighbours too if I'm not too busy. I've found myself strangely attracted to Paul Robinson lately... :p I also like Hugh Laurie in House... Do you think I might have a thing for men with crutches/walking sticks? :D I'm worried...

[samantha nixon]

thats well good and i like paul in neighbours aswell

[feelingyellow]

lol, i quite like paul too *teehee* :wub: please do some neighbours, i think it'd be fab! :cheer:

[Tamzi]

Very good. Don't watch neighbours so I can't comment on wether you should post or not. You have to do tonight's episode now!
xxx

[crazy_purple]

GRANT: She's gone!
PHIL: She's disappeared!
GRANT: Dammit!
SHARON: Who?
GRANT: We've failed!
SHARON: Yes, but what are you talking about?
PHIL: *cries* She's gotten away!
SHARON: Will somebody tell me WTF is going on?
GRANT: ....You're a little slow, aren't you?

GRANT: Have you seen them?
ALFIE: Nope.
GRANT: Are you sure?
ALFIE: Nope.
GRANT: .... So, you're not sure if you saw them or not?
ALFIE: Nope.
*GRANT's head explodes with the effort of thinking this through*
NANA: Ooh hello boys! Would you like some tea? I'll go make some. *leaves*
GRANT: ...
NANA: *comes back in with tea* Here we are.
GRANT: That was bloody quick!
ALFIE: She has superpowers, but don't tell anybody. Her alter ego is SuperGran.
BILLY: .... Come on, tell us where they are.
NANA: Oh, are you talking about Chrissie and Jake, dearies? I think they made a phone call.
ALFIE: *facepalm*
GRANT: *checking phone* OMG this is a taxi service! Let's go! *he and BILLY run away like Batman and Robin*
*CHRISSIE and JAKE creep down the stairs*
THE AUDIENCE: OMG!
ALFIE: Well done, Nan. We'll make a con artist out of you yet.

*SHARON watches THE TAPE OF DOOM AND EXPOSITION*
CHRISSIE: *on tape* ...And that's when I totally killed Den. I killed him good. He's 100% dead all right. And I did it. Me. it was me.
SHARON: ... SHE STILL DIDN'T DO IT.

JAKE: We have to leave. Now.
ALFIE: Why? Did Chrissie k- OMG.
JAKE: Shhhh!
ALFIE: But-
JAKE: Will you help us or not?
ALFIE: Okay.

PHIL: Ian, I know you're buying the Vic!
JANE: Well, I didn't.
IAN: *wibbles* Don't hurt me I'll be good-
PHIL: I won't hurt you, if-
IAN: I was talking to Jane.
PHIL: Well, we're gonna leave you here. Billy will guard you, because he's obviously the best qualified to do that.
JANE: But he's the puny one and I could totally knock him out with a single punch-
IAN: ...
JANE: That'll be fine. We'll never escape from his evil clutches.

ALFIE: But won't you spend some time with Nana, Jake?
JAKE: ON THE RUN HERE!
ALFIE: Please....
JAKE: I haven't got much time!
ALFIE: Dramatic irony coming through! Neither has she, you f**kwit...

JANE: *bows to BILLY*
BILLY: Oh, you gonna do your karate thing now? *giggles like a girl*
JANE: Ha. Yeah. JUDO CHOP! *as in the Austin Powers films...*
BILLY: *dead from karate* Oh, WHY did you DO that?

IAN: Sign on the dotted lign, plzkthanx.
CHRISSIE: But... this price is stupid!
IAN: *grin* Hee.
CHRISSIE: You crazy!
IAN: You on the run for murder!
CHRISSIE: Touché. *signs it*

*CHRISSIE and JAKE are escaping merrily in a taxi, until suddenly KAT appears in the middle of the road like one of those two creepy kids from The Shining*
CHRISSIE: Oh God! What do you want? *clutching heart*
KAT: Keep Zoe out of it!
CHRISSIE: I could do that a lot easier if you'd moooove along!
KAT: .... Oh, yeah. *moves*
*They continue escaping merrily, until PATRICK's head appears suddenly in the window, again like something from The Shining.*
CHRISSIE: ARGH! Will you people stop DOING that?!
PATRICK: Going somewhere nice?
CHRISSIE: ...Yes. We're having coffee and croissants for breakfast.
PATRICK: Okie-dokes. *wanders off*
JAKE: What did you tell him that for?
CHRISSIE: I like croissants, okay? IS THAT A CRIME?

PHIL: Wait! Chrissie laid a false trail!
GRANT: How do you know?
PHIL: ... It was in the script!
GRANT: YAY!

CHRISSIE: We made it!
JAKE: I'm just going to get some money out the machine.
CHRISSIE: OK.
*When JAKE walks back, CHRISSIE spots some POLICEMEN, but she is relieved when they walk past him... so she spins round and-*
SHARON: Hello, Chrissie.
CHRISSIE: WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE!?
SHARON: This won't be the first time someone's done this *whacks her one* AND I HOPE IT WON'T BE THE LAST! SQUEEE!
CHRISSIE: I totally saw that coming.
POLICEMAN: You're under arrest, for... many, many things.
CHRISSIE: *ironic grin*
JAKE: *also being arrested, but with a much less kewl expression on his face* Oh noes!
CHRISSIE: GO DOWN LIKE A MAN, JAKE.
JAKE: *starts bawling*
CHRISSIE: What did I ever see in him?

[Kim]

This is Great :thumbsup: . More soon please.

[crazy_purple]

Ooh I forgot to say:


CHRISSIE: You fools! You fools! I was always the pretty one!

~The. End~

Epilogue: Most of the people on the Square get arrested for aiding and abetting; Little Mo whinges; Charlie tells everyone who will listen about 'his girls', sounding creepily like some strange pimp; Johnny finally tells Ruby to STFU; Zoe is never mentioned again, by anyone, ever; Kat cries (a lot) but is then arrested anyway; Ian finally kicks Phil's a$s, but no-one was around to see it so no-one believes him; Nana gets sick of Alfie and his bad choices with women (Molfie is a prime example) and runs away with Jim; Alfie is shocked but then lures Kat back to the kitchen table again, where they spend the rest of their days in happy Kalfieness; Den returns from the dead again; Dot finally gives in to temptation and has an affair with Dennis; Sharon pouts.

:rotfl: That's not really the end, I just felt like writing it :D

[feelingyellow]

:rotfl: like the tuesday script and the epilogue :rotfl: dot and dennis! :lol:

[Tamzi]

Very good Script. Dot and Deniis!
xxx

[crazy_purple]

*Start credits*
THE THAMES: Yeah, I really do have nothing better to do all day than spin around like this. Wheee!

*In a Dingy Jail Cell*
CHRISSIE: Maybe if I close my eyes and wish really hard that I wasn't here, I'll be back home. *closes her eyes for a minute, opens them* Aw, man.

*The Slaters' House*
KAT: *is wearing jeans, OMG*
STACEY: Hey, I thought you were always in a skirt?
KAT: Dude, I know!

ALFIE: Oh, hi Jake. So, they released you?
JAKE: From what?
ALFIE: Prison.
JAKE: Oh, of course. It's not like I aided and abetted the escape of a wanted murderer or anything.
NANA: Look! I'm sorting out these charming pieces of junk to leave to you when I die!
ALFIE: *tear* Aw, I get the tea cosy...
NANA: And I left this to Kat! *holds up necklace* Even though she already has my engagement ring!
ALFIE: She does?
NANA: Yeah, you bought her a totally rubbish one so I swapped them over and then you split up and she NEVER GAVE IT BACK. *A trip to the Department of Backstory.*
ALFIE: ...
~ME: How is it I can remember this stuff, but not anything that is actually useful to my life?~

KAT: *is now wearing a skirt, and looks worried. So would I be, if my clothes magically changed.* Sharon, what happened?
SHARON: She didn't mention Zoe, okay?! Now will you shut up?
KAT: Yay!
SHARON: BTW, I prefered the jeans.

JAKE: So, I'm leaving. The police didn't need to ask me any questions or anything, conveniently.
ALFIE: That's nice. *manly hug* Bye!

IAN: Oi, you! This is my pub!
GRANT: I think you'll find it isn't.
PHIL: Yeah.
SHARON: It was never Chrissie's to sell.
PHIL: So it doesn't belong to you at all! Ha!
IAN: .... Whatever, b*tches.

PHIL: So, we'll... remove our suitcases from your home now.
GRANT: Yeah, why did we put them there in the first place again?
SHARON: How about you leave them here? You can have the Vic.
PHIL: OMG SQUEE!
GRANT: Man, that was convenient. Moving our stuff here for no particular reason, and then getting the Vic. You'd almost think we'd planned it. Or someone had.
~ROB GITTINS: *cough*~

ALFIE: Hey! Nana, we are going to see William's grave tomorrow! And conveniently, it's Armistice Day then too!
NANA: Let's educate the viewers! Wheee!

*End credits*
THE THAMES: Yay! I'm back! How have you been? Well, Some kid threw an empty can in me, but then I was all like The Perfect Storm on him and he was like *squeaky voice* 'OMG noooo! Please don't hurt me!' and I was like 'Yeah, you'll be sorry!' so he was totally pwned! And -
THE ANNOUNCER: Coming up next is...
THE THAMES: NOBODY INTERRUPTS THE RIVER, OKAY?!

*A preview for the next episode*
ALFIE: *always manages to look stupid in a suit*
NANA: *I can't hear what she's saying because the sound on my TV was off, gah.*

[Elect-Death_13]

:cheer:

[crazy_purple]

:cheer:

Well hellooo....:D Ooh I'm doing a random website with all these on now too :p bye byes

[Jada-GDR]

i liked the thames part that was different :D

[Kim]

Great. Please do more asap.

[feelingyellow]

woooo these rule! please do more asap!! :thumbsup:

[crazy_purple]

Do you want me to do one of the November 11th episode? I just don't want to upset anyone, if you don't want it tell me.

[Jada-GDR]

your a really good writer and all, but PLEASE do NOT do the november 11th episode :crying: it made me cry.

[crazy_purple]

OK :) I thought it was sad too, I didn't want to seem disrespectful or anything, that's all. I loved the "sod off Hitler, she's having a baby!" bit though :D

[Jada-GDR]

yeah lol :D

[crazy_purple]

Lost
CHARLIE: Yay Claire you're back! Now I shall hug you and pet you and you shall be my squishy!
CLAIRE: Who the hell are you?
CHARLIE: *cries*

SAYID: Maybe Claire is a spy.
JACK: That makes absolutely no sense, but... yeah! Maybe she is!
LOCKE: Let's stab her.
CHARLIE: OMG no! Claire is innocent! Why can't you crazy Americans see that?!
SAYID: Hey, I'm not American.
CHARLIE: Whatever. *gives him the 'whatever' hand, leaves*
LOCKE: I still say we stab her.
SAYID: ....

CHARLIE: Hey, Jin. I know you can't understand a word I say, so I'm just gonna waffle on at you anyways.
JIN: *is hit in chest, falls over dramatically*
CHARLIE: Oh sh*t.
ETHAN: I want Claire back! Or I will keep killing you all one by one!
*He garrottes CHARLIE or something here, but I couldn't tell because Channel 4 must have deemed it too terrifying for 6.30pm on a Sunday. So it cut from them both just standing there, to CHARLIE choking for no apparent reason*
CHARLIE: Gasp!
ETHAN: And Charlie... I'll kill you last. *leaves*
CHARLIE: OH NOES! ...Wait, that's a good thing... He must like me. Yay!

CLAIRE: So... we were friends?
CHARLIE: Yeah!
CLAIRE: *thinking* Oh dear God what was I on?
CHARLIE: So, we can still be friends even though you think you've never met me before, right?
CLAIRE: Um.... okay.
CHARLIE: That's great! P.S: I love you.

*Another Flashbacky Tale*
CHARLIE: *throws up on copier*
SPECTATORS: Ew.
POSH ENGLISH STEREOTYPE: OMG you stole from me! Daddy will be angry!
CHARLIE: Please, can I explain-
POSH ENGLISH STEREOTYPE: No! Go away! You'll never look after anybody!
CHARLIE: Woe.

JACK: Let's use Claire as bait!
LOCKE: Yay!
SAYID: Yay!
BOONE: Yay!
CHARLIE: ... Seriously, do you have something against her or what?
SAWYER: Ooh I get a gun, yay.
KATE: Can I join in?
CHARLIE: WTF!?
SAWYER: Sure, remember that marshall guy? I have his gun.
JACK: The one you tried to shoot him with, but missed?
SAWYER: Dude, I didn't miss him. It was point-blank range, that would just have made me look dumb. No, I missed his heart and-
CHARLIE: YOU'RE ALL CRAZY!

*They use CLAIRE as bait*
CLAIRE: I'm really not enjoying this.
ETHAN: Raaaa!
CLAIRE: Eek! *runs away, and actually manages to evade him, even though she's 9 months pregnant and he's some crazy guy*
ALL THE MEN (AND KATE, SQUEE): Pile-on!
SAWYER: You better not move your crazy a$s!
THE SAWYERFANS: *swoon*
JACK: Alright, nobody shoot him!
*Someone shoots him*
CHARLIE: HA!
EVERYONE: Gasp!
~ME: :wub: Charlie - what? He's the only Brit on that damn island. Although Sawyer is quite swoonsome.~

[feelingyellow]

that was great!! loved it, i especially loved the squishy thing from finding nemo! :cheer:

[crazy_purple]

:D I know, it's like my favourite quote ever

[feelingyellow]

:D I know, it's like my favourite quote ever

lol, mine to - then just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swiming swimming etc. :D

[crazy_purple]

I'm bored, so I thought I'd do one of the five minutes of the Lord of the Rings that I watched last night.:D

GIMLI: *slashes some ORC up the crotch*
MALE MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE: *wince, cross their legs*

KING THEODEN: Is this it?! Saruman, this is the suckiest battle ever!
ORC: *commando dives*
THE WALL: *goes boom*
KING THEODEN: .... *is well and truly denied*

TEH LOVELY ARAGORN: *is studly*

MERRY: *is secretly CHARLIE from Lost, squee! Only shorter.*

*An ad for a Harry (nooo! My eyes are burning!) Potter computer game comes on in the break and annoys me no end.*

*SOME ELF dies, and so TEH LOVELY ARAGORN kills an ORC with just his bare fist. Ooh.*

*The door is being attacked and terrible bloody death is about to break through it.*
KING THEODEN: *just stands there*

*While TEH LOVELY ARAGORN is killing ORCS in a studly way, KING THEODEN tells him to stop - this distracts TEH LOVELY ARAGORN, so ORCS promptly jump on him and are about to strangle him, oh noes. KING THEODEN blocks up the spyhole he was looking at this through, so... what?*
TEH LOVELY ARAGORN: So... why are you King, again?

[feelingyellow]

I'm bored, so I thought I'd do one of the five minutes of the Lord of the Rings that I watched last night.:D

GIMLI: *slashes some ORC up the crotch*
MALE MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE: *wince, cross their legs*

KING THEODEN: Is this it?! Saruman, this is the suckiest battle ever!
ORC: *commando dives*
THE WALL: *goes boom*
KING THEODEN: .... *is well and truly denied*

TEH LOVELY ARAGORN: *is studly*

MERRY: *is secretly CHARLIE from Lost, squee! Only shorter.*

*An ad for a Harry (nooo! My eyes are burning!) Potter computer game comes on in the break and annoys me no end.*

*SOME ELF dies, and so TEH LOVELY ARAGORN kills an ORC with just his bare fist. Ooh.*

*The door is being attacked and terrible bloody death is about to break through it.*
KING THEODEN: *just stands there*

*While TEH LOVELY ARAGORN is killing ORCS in a studly way, KING THEODEN tells him to stop - this distracts TEH LOVELY ARAGORN, so ORCS promptly jump on him and are about to strangle him, oh noes. KING THEODEN blocks up the spyhole he was looking at this through, so... what?*
TEH LOVELY ARAGORN: So... why are you King, again?

lol, it's really good and i hate lord of the rings (it's so boring) but you've just made it loads better! :cheer:

[crazy_purple]

:p To tell the truth, I only like LOTR because of Viggo Mortensen, Dominic Monaghan, and the kewl killer elephants in the 3rd one :rotfl:

[crazy_purple]

EastEnders 14th November

PEGGY: Yay! We got the Vic!
*We did not actually see them getting the Vic.*

JAKE: *does something random with a bag, which seems meaningful, but is never mentioned again.*

SAM: *cries* Everyone's looking at me...
KAT: You didn't say anything about Zoe, did y-
SAM: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, STOP ASKING EVERYONE THAT!
KAT: ...
SAM: Ahem. I like your coat, by the way. It's very... leopard-printy. And distracting.
KAT: Why thank you.
ALFIE: *wanders past, does a great job of ignoring KAT although their stalls are right next to each other. Ooh, that must get awkward.*
MO: Jake should be in prison with her!
ALFIE: OMG don't insult my cousin!
KAT: Yeah, Nan, shut up.
*In that way, KAT and ALFIE very nearly have a kind of indirect conversation with each other. Yay.*

*I should really stop obsessing about Kalfie. It isn't good for me.*

----

Eek sorry, I'll finish this off later, gotta go

[crazy_purple]

Sorry about that - my mum was like "KATE! SHOWER! NOWWW!" so I had to go, and then I started thinking about that film Psycho, so that freaked me out, and now I just remembered I have coursework due in for tomorrow that I haven't even done, so I'm like GAAAH. (Yes, I really am like this in real life.) So, anyways:

JOHNNY: I have to go to the office. Daddy wants to be alone with the gun.
RUBY: Aw... By the way, I wanna stay in a Walford sixth form.
JOHNNY: There's a sixth form in Walford?
RUBY: Yeah! I'm gonna go to it.
JOHNNY: Oh no you're not!
*RUBY manages to convince her father to let her go to the 6th form by draping herself around his shoulders and kissing the back of his head. I am quite disturbed here, people.*
JOHNNY: ... Oh, okay then.

NANA: Ooh, I like it when my boys check up on me.
ALFIE: *glances around suspiciously* Nan, have you been seeing dead people again?
NANA: I fancy a curry.
ALFIE: ...

PAT: Sam! Come and sit down here, dearie.
MO: So, how are you? Fun in prison?
SAM: I HATE YOU ALL! *storms off*
PAT: Why do people keep doing that?

IAN: Right. You shouldn't be in here. You're eeevil!
SAM: Hey, weren't you saying this to Chrissie a while back?
IAN: WHATEVER.
SAM: Get out or I chuck you out.
IAN: Hehe I'm sure you will.
*Two seconds later*
IAN: *goes flying out onto the pavement*
SAM: *dusts off her hands* And stay out!
KAT: Whoo!
SAM: Hey, I thought you hated me.
KAT: *shrug* Apparently not any more.

PHIL: Hee hee, you were totally pwned.
IAN: Shut up.
PHIL: Or what? You gonna sic the tiny ninja warriors on me? Oh, ninja warriors, I'm so scared, oh no, they're coming for me, with their throwing stars and ninja gymnastics and - STOP STARING AT ME!

[Kim]

Great. :D :)

More soon please.

[feelingyellow]

hilarious! more soon please! :cheer:

[Elect-Death_13]

so I'm like GAAAH. (Yes, I really am like this in real life.)
Too true for words.

*RUBY manages to convince her father to let her go to the 6th form by draping herself around his shoulders and kissing the back of his head. I am quite disturbed here, people.*
[/QUOTE]

Ha, I thought that too.

[crazy_purple]

Yay. What did you think of the 6th form thing? Me and my mum started counting how many times Mr Blackledge said "Er" or "erm" in his speech, I ended up laughing like you did in Blue Banana :rotfl: which was not good.

(No script tonight, folks, I didn't catch the episode...)

[crazy_purple]

This is a random script I felt like doing - for anyone who might have missed the Kalfie saga :D, or wanted to see the funny side... It'll be split up into many parts.

------------

*ALFIE is chucked off the tube for not having a ticket - naughty boy - and ends up in Walford*
ALFIE: Ooh, this looks nice and quiet.
THE RESIDENTS: Hahahahaha....
*ALFIE proceeds to set up his "cheeky chappy" status by fooling MARTIN. Several times.*
ALFIE: What? It's not exactly difficult.
*He wanders into the Vic*
PEGGY: Ooh, you're the new manager, aren't you?
ALFIE: ...Why, yes.
*He gets to grips behind the bar. Later, KAT comes in, squee.*
ALFIE: *sees her* Right, we've got a new offer on: the first lady to give me a peck on the cheek gets a free drink! *looks at her hopefully*
KAT: *gives him the deadeye*
ALFIE: Ah, it was love at first sight.
KAT: *to CHARLIE* Who's that weirdo behind the bar?
CHARLIE: The new manager, your soulmate.
KAT: Pfft.

*KAT gets a job in the Vic and she and ALFIE soon become the best of friends.*
KAT: You freak.
ALFIE: You weirdo.
KAT: Tee hee.
ALFIE: C'mere! *"friendly" hug*
KAT: Yay!

[feelingyellow]

This is a random script I felt like doing - for anyone who might have missed the Kalfie saga :D, or wanted to see the funny side... It'll be split up into many parts.

------------

*ALFIE is chucked off the tube for not having a ticket - naughty boy - and ends up in Walford*
ALFIE: Ooh, this looks nice and quiet.
THE RESIDENTS: Hahahahaha....
*ALFIE proceeds to set up his "cheeky chappy" status by fooling MARTIN. Several times.*
ALFIE: What? It's not exactly difficult.
*He wanders into the Vic*
PEGGY: Ooh, you're the new manager, aren't you?
ALFIE: ...Why, yes.
*He gets to grips behind the bar. Later, KAT comes in, squee.*
ALFIE: *sees her* Right, we've got a new offer on: the first lady to give me a peck on the cheek gets a free drink! *looks at her hopefully*
KAT: *gives him the deadeye*
ALFIE: Ah, it was love at first sight.
KAT: *to CHARLIE* Who's that weirdo behind the bar?
CHARLIE: The new manager, your soulmate.
KAT: Pfft.

*KAT gets a job in the Vic and she and ALFIE soon become the best of friends.*
KAT: You freak.
ALFIE: You weirdo.
KAT: Tee hee.
ALFIE: C'mere! *"friendly" hug*
KAT: Yay!

lol can't wait for more of this! :cheer:

[crazy_purple]

ALFIE: Kat! What's up?
KAT: *crying* Well me and Anthony went for a drink and then I had an affair with my daughter's kind-of-boyfriend!
ALFIE: Oops.
KAT:But then I dumped him!
ALFIE: Yikes.
KAT: And now I'm pregnant!
ALFIE: ...

KAT: I'm not having this baby.
ALFIE: You totally should because I love you I will stick by you and love your child as though it were my own I wish it was even though it's the local doctor's, and we're "just friends". Bah.
KAT: ...Okay, maybe I'll keep it.

*But then tragedy strikes and KAT loses the baby, woe. And that is in no way funny at all.*
KAT: *cries*
ALFIE: *hugs her, aww*
*The next day*
ALFIE: Are you okay?
KAT: *applying makeup* I'm perfectly fine. *Except she totally isn't because the makeup is symbolically covering up all the metaphorical bruises and pain and blee; and I should really stop reading so much into a bit of foundation I WANNA DO PSYCHOLOGY, OKAY?*

[feelingyellow]

aww that was so good! like the way you handled kat's lost of her baby :thumbsup:

[crazy_purple]

ALFIE: Kat, I know you're not okay.
KAT: You're right. I'm not okay! Forget about the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took, remember when you broke your foot by jumping out the second floor, I'M NOT OKAY!
ALFIE: ...
KAT: Damn you, sexy Gerard Way!
ALFIE: Look, one day you'll meet a lovely bloke me who'll love you me and you'll get married ME and have loads of cute babies TOTALLY ME.
KAT: Awww... *sniffling*
ALFIE: But now, you must go on holiday.
KAT: Okay, I guess...
*Awkward hug*

ALFIE: I miss Kat... *cries*

*KAT comes back, they have a random party, ALFIE is over the moon (hee) to see her, but the lights go out. KAT climbs a ladder to fix them, while ALFIE holds the bottom of it.*
KAT: *jokily* This is how it should be... you at my feet.
ALFIE: *squeak*

[crazy_purple]

Can I just take a minute to say YAY CRAZY DOCTOR WHO DAVID TENNANT SQUEEE! Ahem.

[feelingyellow]

lol, yes you can take a minute to say that :p

aww, was so fab ... at my feet lol!

[crazy_purple]

*KAT tries on a dress*
KAT: Alfie, will you do this zip up? I can't reach.
ALFIE: *needs a cold shower*

NANA: You're in love with her, aren't you?
ALFIE: *guiltily* Who? No. Not at all.
*This goes on for quite a while, until...*

KAT: Argh! My ankle! *falls over dramatically*
*ALFIE carries her up the stairs and lays her on the sofa gently*
NANA: Tee hee.
ALFIE: What? *glances at KAT, heart melts* Oh, damn.
NANA: Well well well. Wellity wellity wellity.
ALFIE: *sobs* You're right! I can't bear this anymore! I LOVE HER!
NANA: Finally. Face it, you'll never get anywhere without me when I die in two years.
ALFIE: What?
NANA: Nothing.

[feelingyellow]

:rotfl: keep this up, i loved the nana comment and *alfie needs a cold shower* :cheer:

[crazy_purple]

NANA: You'll tell Kat, won't you?
ALFIE: Yeah, of course.

ALFIE: *doesn't tell KAT*
KAT: Why are you looking at me funny?
ALFIE: *panics* I'm not looking at any part of your body!
KAT: ...
ALFIE: *coughs* Er... sorry. Misheard you. I'm not looking at you funny.
KAT: *shrug* Okay. *snogs DENNIS*
ALFIE: GAH! *totally ogles her*
KAT: *notices this* You perv.
ALFIE: *hangs his head in shame* I know...
*Things like this go on for many weeks, until...*

KAT: OMG I fancy Alfie!
LITTLE MO: You should tell him - you can't just jump on him though.
KAT: Why not?
LITTLE MO: Because I'm an evil b*tch and I want him for myself Because it's not ladylike.
KAT: Pffft.

*KAT gets v. v. drunk, goes to the Vic and confesses to ALFIE*
ALFIE: OMG!
LITTLE PEOPLE IN HIS BRAIN: *mini cheer* Yay!
KAT: Well? *swaying on the spot*
ALFIE: I'll have to think about it.
KAT: Okay.
ALFIE: I've thought about it.
*They jump on each other like whoa.*
THE AUDIENCE: WTF?
TPTB: Oh, purlease. You ain't seen nothing yet.
*They get upstairs eventually, despite falling over on the way and we think they're actually going to go at iton the stairs right there and then so we're like 'OMG! Look awaaay!' but they don't, thankfully.*

[Kim]

fab. more soon please:D

[feelingyellow]

:rotfl: this is fab, please do more soon!

[crazy_purple]

*In ALFIE's bedroom*
KAT: Wait!
ALFIE: Yeah, I love you - *snogs*
KAT: No, not that -
ALFIE: What? Okay, I really respect you and stuff - *tries to feel her up*
KAT: No, I meant have you got one?
ALFIE: *is very, very confused* Of course I've bloody well got one!
KAT: *sigh* I meant a con-
ALFIE: Oh! Yeah, right... I knew that.
*He doesn't have any. Sigh.*
ALFIE: Can't we just risk it?
KAT: *stares at him*
ALFIE: What, don't you like gambling?
KAT: ....
ALFIE: Don't worry, I'll be back! *leaves*
*KAT gets bored while he's gone and even more drunk, and reads ALFIE's magazines.*
KAT: Ew...
*Meanwhile, ALFIE is searching round London for protection. He manages to get mugged, arrested, and falls in a canal. All conveniently in half an hour. He eventually is given one by an old man (ew?)*
ALFIE: This is the worst night ever. But at least I've got Kat waiting for me in my bed, hopefully naked. Mmm, Kat...
*By the time he gets back, KAT is fast asleep*
ALFIE: DAMN IT!

*The next day*
*KAT wakes up and is embarrassed, understandably. She does a runner, which is kind of pointless when she only lives across the street from him, so he can easily follow her. Bleh.*
ALFIE: ... I'm never gonna get any, am I?

KAT: Now he'll just think I'm a slapper... *cries*
LITTLE Mo: *kindly voice* Aw, darling... we all think you're a slapper.
KAT: *cries*

[feelingyellow]

:rotfl: that was fab! next part soon please!! :cheer:

[Kim]

haha funny stuff. More soon please.

[crazy_purple]

*Later, ALFIE goes round to the Slaters' house, but KAT won't open the door.*
ALFIE: Let me in...
KAT: No!
ALFIE: *muffled voice* Are you hugging the door?
KAT: ...No, why would I?
ALFIE: *normal voice* Neither was I.
KAT: Go away! I'm never going to open this door!
ALFIE: What, not ever? Come on, I'm freezing my bits off out here...
KAT: *gives in and opens the door, possibly because she can't bear the thought* Nooo! We need those to make mini Kalfies!
ALFIE: ...
KAT: Last night was totally a mistake.
ALFIE: I agree. *uncomfortable*
KAT: So, we're, um... just mates?
ALFIE: *stifles a sob* I suppose so.
KAT: Good.
*ALFIE turns to leave, but then-*
ALFIE: Ah, screw it. Kat, last night wasn't a mistake! Even though you were so drunk you couldn't stand up! I fancy your pants off!
KAT: Buh...
ALFIE: Seriously! I would have done it ON THE STAIRS!
KAT: Gasp!
ALFIE: *turns red* Did I just say that out loud?
KAT: Yes, but I don't care cos I fancy you too!
THE AUDIENCE: Yeah, like you didn't make that clear last episode.
ALFIE: YAY!
*They snog. A lot. Oh dear. I hope they stay away from the stairs.*
THE FUTURE AUDIENCE OF 2005, WHO WEREN'T THERE THEN, SO THIS MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE, BUT ARE READING THIS SCRIPT, SO HA! : Man, what is it with those two and items of furniture?
KAT and ALFIE: *are together, yay*

[feelingyellow]

:rotfl: keep it up, it's so faab!

[crazy_purple]

*KAT and ALFIE go on a date*
ALFIE: So Kat, how did you feel when you found out you were having your uncle's baby?
KAT: Er... I dunno...
ALFIE: Weren't you angry? Didn't you want to throw bricks at him? *He totally did actually ask her this in the show...*
KAT: Actually I just wanted to die.
ALFIE: Oh. Hey, this isn't bothering you, is it?
KAT: Of course not. I always talk about my childhood sex abuse on dates. It adds such a lovely air to the occasion, don't you think?
ALFIE: Whew, heavy on the sarcasm there. But no need to worry any more!
KAT: I wasn't.
ALFIE: Because I'm gonna look after you! *plays with her hair*
KAT: Man, I just washed this. You'll get it all greasy.
ALFIE: Sorry.
*Well, the hair bit never happened, but I always think it whenever his hand goes near her hair. Like "No! Hand grease!" Or is that just me?*

*A few days later*
KAT: *saucily* Morning, sexy.
ALFIE: OMG she's come to visit me in the morning wheee! Hi!
KAT: Just thought I'd come to say good morning... *snogs*
ALFIE: Ohhhh.

*Later that day*
ALFIE: *to SPENCER* I think tonight's the night! Whooo!
SPENCER: Dude, ew.
*ALFIE puts candles and romantic music on upstairs, awww.*
KAT: Oh Alfie BTW, I'm off out clubbing tonight. Just thought I'd let you know. *disappears*
ALFIE: *cries*
SPENCER: OMG Alfie the living room is on fire! One of those candles fell over!
ALFIE: *weeps* Do you think it's actually possible to die from lack of sex?
SPENCER: You're not listening to me!
ALFIE: You've got it good, Spence... you're young...
SPENCER: I'm also on fire!
ALFIE: Ah, the flames of love - oh, wait... *is on fire*

[feelingyellow]

:rotfl: more soon please!

[crazy_purple]

*At the club*
ANTHONY: Whee! *so very very drunk*
ZOE: Kat, where are you going?
KAT: *leaving* I've gotta go give Alfie a goodnight kiss and maybe more.
ZOE: Aww, okay!
THE EVIL GODS OF IRONY: Tee hee.
ANTHONY: Kat Kat Kat... *falls over on her*
KAT: *sigh* I suppose I'd better take him back to his house. Good deed for the day.
*At ANTHONY's house*
*ANTHONY tries to kiss her, and oh noes! PAUL sees*
KAT: *pulls away* Ew no! Yuck! I lurve Alfie!
ANTHONY: *cries*
PAUL: *outside* Whew. They're having an affair. Heavy. Hmm... what should I do? Oh yeah - tell Alfie.

----

I've run out of it now - I'll have to go write some more out :D

[feelingyellow]

:rotfl: yay write more! :cheer:

[crazy_purple]

*The next day*
ALFIE: Did you have fun last night?
KAT: Yeah... it'd have been better if you were there...
ALFIE: Clubbing isn't really my scene -
KAT: *cuddles up to him*
ALFIE: - but it is now.
KAT: I'm sorry I wasn't here last night... you didn't have anything special planned, did you?
ALFIE: *sadly* Not at all.
KAT: ... Hey, why are your eyebrows singed?
ALFIE: ... They aren't.
KAT: They are, they're all burnt off...
ALFIE: Never mind.
*PAUL interrupts this lovely scene to tell ALFIE that he saw KAT snogging ANTHONY last night, even though he totally didn't.*
ALFIE: Woe! *cries*

*ALFIE waits until he and KAT are in a posh restaurant on a date before telling her he knows she sort-of-kissed her ex-boyfriend. The silly boy.*
KAT: *sees that a man on a nearby table is eyeing her up, and smiles at him sexily - why, Kat, why?*
ALFIE: *feels insecure, bless him* I know you kissed Anthony!
KAT: Gasp! I didn't - he tried to kiss me but I want to be with you for ever and ever so I pulled away and he - and - I can't believe you'd think I'd do that! *runs out*
ALFIE: ... So basically, I'm just a poohead.

[feelingyellow]

:crying: they split, but great comedy - keep it up! :cheer:

[crazy_purple]

*the next day*
KAT: I think it's best if we're just mates. This was never gonna work. You don't trust me.
ALFIE: *bottom lip trembles* Kat, I-
KAT: Shut up! *about to cry* We both love each other to bits and we are clearly soulmates, so the best thing to do is split up and never speak of this again!
ALFIE: ...
KAT: IT CLEARLY MAKES SENSE! Right, just mates. *they shake hands miserably, and KAT leaves*
ALFIE: *bursts into tears* I LOVE KAT! DAMN YOU, SCRIPTWRITERS!
THE SCRIPTWRITERS: *look away, whistling*

*They pretend to be 'just mates' for months, and it drives several viewers insane*
A VIEWER: JUST SNOG HER YOU DOLT! *smashes TV screen in*
*However, this doesn't affect me, since I was already pretty much insane to begin with.*

[feelingyellow]

:rotfl: the viewer by any chance wouldn't have been you, would it? please keep this up, i'm laughing my piglet socks off! :cheer:

[melanielovesdennisrickman]

Haha,lol,this is really good,it's sooooo funny:rotfl: :rotfl: ,please keep this up!!

[crazy_purple]

*While KAT and ALFIE are basically standing around trying not to look at each other, like six-year-olds, BILLY gets himself into a spot of bother with the local hardman*
BILLY: *whimper* Please don't hurt me Mr Nice Gangster Man...
KAT: *sigh* Oh God, Billy, you're such a dolt, can't you stand up for yourself? He's a pathetic gangster.
PATHETIC GANGSTER: Hey!
KAT: I suppose you're Mr. Big.
PATHETIC GANGSTER: And you must be Mrs Big Mouth.
KAT: Yeah, real original. You are...?
PATHETIC GANGSTER: Ironically named Andy Hunter, at your service.
THE AUDIENCE OF 2005 (WHO TECHNICALLY DON'T EXIST YET, BUT HEY, I'M RUNNING THIS JOINT!): Noooo! *makes the sign of the cross at him*

ANDY: Go out with me.
KAT: No.
ANDY: Go out with me.
KAT: No.
ANDY: Go out with me.
KAT: No.
ANDY: GO OUT WITH ME OR I'LL HAVE YOU SHOT!
KAT: ...Okay.

*KAT and ANDY have fish and chips in the park, while PRETENTIOUS VIOLINISTS play nearby*
PRETENTIOUS VIOLINISTS: Hey!
ME: Sorry. I just like insulting people today.
VIOLINISTS WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE PRETENTIOUS: That's better. *play a romantic song*
KAT: Have you got any Stella?
ANDY: No, but there's pond-fresh champagne. You like?
*He pulls a string and a bottle of champagne is pulled from out of the pond, because... I don't know. I really don't. But this actually happened on the show. I can't make this stuff up, people.*
KAT: Ooh...
ALFIE: *watching from the Vic window* Pffft. Any idiot could do that. All you need is a bit of string, and-
ANDY: Henchmen, have that man shot!
HENCHMAN: Yessir. Very good, sir.
KAT: *swoon* Ooh, money AND power!

[feelingyellow]

:rotfl: please do more!

[Kim]

:rotfl: . More soon please:)

[Rain_]

I've just read the whole thing from start to finish. I can't decide if your a genius or just plain crazy!!! Either way i love it :D

[Chloe-Elise]

:lol: Brilliant, more soon please :D

[crazy_purple]

*KAT and ANDY snog right underneath the Vic window, conveniently. ALFIE stands and watches them while his heart breaks into a million pieces...
NANA: *coming up behind him* Are you crying, dear?
ALFIE: *jumps* Ah! ... No. I never cry. I'm the very image of manliness. I'M NOT CRYING, OKAY!?
NANA: ... Sometimes I can't believe we share the same genes.
ALFIE: What? You don't wear jeans.
NANA: *facepalm*

*The next day*
ALFIE: Did you have fun with your pathetic gangster last night in the park?
KAT: ... How'd you know we were in the park?
ALFIE: I didn't, I totally wasn't spying on you in a vaguely creepy way. With binoculars.
KAT: Well, he obviously fancies me and he's quite a good kisser and he got me champagne!
ALFIE: *surreptitiously points at all the rows of champagne and posh wine behind him* And I could clearly never give you any of that.
KAT: No, you couldn't!
ALFIE: *bottom lip trembles*

KAT: Ooh guess what! Andy Hunter the ironically named gangster is taking me to Paris!
ALFIE: *jawdrop* But you've only had one date!
KAT: I know! *dances* And Paris is the city of romance and all round getting-it-on-ness. Whoo!
ALFIE: I WANT TO DIE.

*While KAT is in Paris with whats-his-face, SPENCER manages to convince ALFIE to tell KAT he loves her. Not that SPENCER loves her, I mean ALFIE does. You knew that.*
SPENCER: So, just break it to her gently, you know. Buy her some flowers or something and tell her -
ALFIE: - to get her knickers off, pronto?
SPENCER: ... No, ask her to -
ALFIE: - marry me?
SPENCER: Did you just ask me to...
ALFIE: Gotta go buy the rings!
SPENCER: Oy...

*ALFIE plans to propose to KAT when she returns, because clearly there's no middle ground he could take, like asking her to go out on a date with him or something rather less dramatic. Clearly.*
KAT: Hi Alf!
ALFIE: Kat will you mar-
KAT: Look! While I was away, I got engaged!
ALFIE: GODDAMMIT!
KAT: Are you happy for me?
ALFIE: *squeaky voice* Oh, it's wonderful!

[Chloe-Elise]

Brilliant :D More soon please

[feelingyellow]

:rotfl: that was fab! more soon please! :cheer:

[Kim]

:) Fab more asap please.

[crazy_purple]

ANDY: So Kat, how are you feeling?
KAT: Meh.
ANDY: Open your heart to me, Kat! By which I mean 'legs'.

*The morning of KAT's wedding day*
LITTLE MO: Kat I got you a present - it's a Plot Point!
KAT: OMG it's a necklace and it says "K + A" on it...
*The music: Der der der!*
KAT: Well, that'll be handy later on, won't it? I won't even have to buy a new one for when I jilt Andy and -
*LITTLE MO claps her hand over KAT's mouth, to stop her from revealing the plot*
KAT: Mmmf mmf mmf -
LITTLE MO: *smiling brightly at the camera* Moving on...

ALFIE: *is feeling very sad because a) his nana had to have an operation, b) the love of his life is getting married, and c) to add insult to injury, she's marrying a Pathetic Gangster.* Woe!
NANA: Cheer up. Hey, I could have sworn there was something I was supposed to tell you...
ALFIE: What is it?
NANA: Hmm... "Important things to tell Alfie". I wonder what that could be.
ALFIE: ....

KAT: *walks up the aisle, wearing a white wedding dress. If you're reasonably intelligent, you might have worked out that white symbolises virginity and innocence and all round Let's All Be Nastily Ironic Today by the scriptwriters.*
ANDY: *grins like a shark*
KAT: *thinks* Why on earth did I agree to this? I think there's a lesson to be learned here: do not say 'yes' to everything. It kinda sucks.

NANA: *scratches head* No, it's no use, it's gone right out of my head.

THE CONGREGATION: *sings 'All Things Bright and Beautiful'. They may or may not have ever been to church before in their lives, I don't know.*

NANA: Nope, still nothing.

KAT: *thinks* I wish Alfie were here. In the congregation. Of course. Or preferably, standing right next to me saying 'I do' instead of this buffoon.
ANDY: *smiles at her*
KAT: *smiles back at him sweetly*

NANA: Oh yes! I remember!
ALFIE: What's up?
NANA: Kat totally came in here last night when she thought I was asleep and started crying and said she loves you and wished she was marrying you instead!
ALFIE: ....
NANA: Tch. Mind like a sieve.
ALFIE: O.... M.... G....
NANA: Did you bring any grapes?

THE VICAR: *starts the service*
KAT: *thinks* Oh God, if only someone would burst in right now and rescue me.

ALFIE: Gotta run!
*He commandeers IAN's chip van and drives to the church, but some guy in a car is blocking the road*
ALFIE: *practically strangling the unfortunate man* GET - OUT - THE - FR*CKIN' - ROAD!
UNFORTUNATE MAN: *moves his car, and is traumatised by the sudden onslaught of brightly coloured shirt that attacked him*

VICAR: .... To have and to hold?
ANDY: *leering* Indeed.
KAT: Ewwwww.

ALFIE: Lemme in!
HENCHMEN: Nope! *beat him up, awww*

*IAN distracts the HENCHMEN while ALFIE sneaks into the church*

*ALFIE bursts in*
ALFIE: Nooooo! KAT!
KAT: Well, you took your sweet time getting here.
ANDY: Kat, will you kindly explain what this buffoon is doing here?
KAT: ... In a minute. First I wanna talk to him. ALONE.
ANDY: *shakes fist* You'll pay for this! You'll all pay!

[feelingyellow]

:rotfl: fab! next part soon please!

[crazy_purple]

*In the vestry*
KAT: I can't believe you interrupted my wedding! I hate you!
ALFIE: No you don't you love me! Ha!
KAT: Don't.
ALFIE: Do.
KAT: Don't.
ALFIE: Do.
*This goes on for quite a while.*
KAT: Oh alright, I love you, but you do my head in!
ALFIE: Yay!
KAT: What the hell are you doing here?
ALFIE: I couldn't let you marry him. I love you and I want to marry you and I want you to have my babies and I want -
KAT: OMG! *melts* I want that too!
ALFIE: YAY!
KAT: But there is the question of, you know, my wedding, which is supposed to be happening right now?
ALFIE: Ah. Um... how'd you like to really p*ss him off?
KAT: I would like that.
ALFIE: Let's run away together and leave him at the altar! Mwahahaha.... *evil laugh*
KAT: Hmmm.... *not convinced*
ALFIE: Kat, he only wants you to hang off his arm and parade around like some kind of dog.
KAT: Gasp!
ALFIE: But I love you for you... I love how everything about you, the way you slurp soup, that face you pull when you eat satsumas, those cute ickle freckles on your back...
KAT: *whimpers happily*
ALFIE: And how you stomp around when you're in a mood and you pull silly faces, and -
KAT: Alright that's enough! C'mere! *snogs his face off*
ALFIE: Mmmf - Kat! We're in a church! And it's your wedding day! And your husband's a crappy gangster!
KAT: And...?
ALFIE: Can we go home now?
ANDY: *bursting in* Hands off my woman!
ALFIE: She's not your woman, she's mi-
KAT: Ahem!
ALFIE: - she's, um, entirely her own woman.
KAT: That's better.
ANDY: You ain't having her! I KEEL YOU! *attacks him*
KAT: Yay, I'm being fought over! Oh, wait - *grabs ANDY* Don't hurt him!
ANDY: I'll tear him apart!
KAT: No! Hurt me instead! I'd sacrifice myself to save him any day of the week, namely May 14th 2004! *incidentally, my sister's birthday*
ANDY: Eh?
KAT: Never mind.
ANDY: *gives ALFIE an evil look* Well, I'll be watching you.
ALFIE: You'll be watching me? What kind of threat is that? I've nicked your fiance, fair and square.
KAT: Oh, Alfie *snogs* I can't wait to get you home.
ALFIE: THERE IS A GOD.

[feelingyellow]

:rotfl: this is fab, next part soon please 'there is a god' :lol: :cheer:

[Kim]

Cool. Mre asap please:)

[crazy_purple]

*The next morning*
*KAT and ALFIE wake up next to each other*
KAT: Good morning....
ALFIE: Very, very good morning.
KAT: Yay, we did it!
ALFIE: *huge grin* Finally...
KAT: *stops* I meant that we realised we loved each other.
ALFIE: *quickly* Oh yeah, that's what I meant.
KAT: I wonder what happened to Andy.

ANDY: *has slept on a park bench outside the Vic* Woe.

ALFIE: Ah, don't worry about him. You've got me now...
KAT: *happy sigh* Yay...
ALFIE: So, erm, did... you like it...?
KAT: I'm not answering that... you'll be wanting marks out of ten in a minute.
*She actually said that on the show, tee hee*
ALFIE: *puts a little notebook and pencil away sadly* Oh. Okay then.
KAT: Hmm, maybe I'd better get dressed.
ALFIE: Please don't.
KAT: What?
ALFIE: You don't have any clothes over here, that's what I said.

*Later, LITTLE MO comes over to the Vic*
LITTLE MO: Kat I wanted to know how you were and if it'd be okay if I stole your husband two years from now?
KAT: I'm fine - guess what! Me and Alfie got together!
LITTLE MO: *appears to be amazed, despite the fact that KAT is wearing ALFIE's kimono and is otherwise naked, and obviously stayed the night* Oh, that's great!
ALFIE: Oh, it was.
KAT: *elbows him* And we're gonna get married!
ALFIE: We are?
KAT: ...
ALFIE: We are.

[Kim]

Great. More soon please:D

[feelingyellow]

ALFIE: *puts a little notebook and pencil away sadly* Oh. Okay then.


it's all fab but especially like this line ^ next part soon please! :cheer:

[crazy_purple]

I was in an exam today and I couldn't think of a word until 2 mins before the end when I remembered it - you know how I always say "yay!" in these scripts? Well I nearly did in the exam :D But I stopped just in time... I think that means I've been saying it too much...:rolleyes:
------

*There is a scene involving ALFIE talking to LITTLE MO - he is worried about the size of the engagement ring he's bought KAT. This actually happened. I am not making this up. I say that just in case you think I am, and that I have a very dirty mind. Which I do, but hey.*
ALFIE: *he and LITTLE MO are stood round the corner so we can't see them and this just adds to the double entendre-thingy* Do you think it's big enough?
LITTLE MO: Of course it is.
THE VIEWERS: OMG! WTF! Am I on the right channel here?
ALFIE: It isn't, it's tiny... what if she doesn't like it?
LITTLE MO: Oh, she will. Trust me.
THE VIEWERS: Oh dear God this is disturbing.
*The camera pans round the corner*
THE VIEWERS: Nooooo! Don't go there! Pleeeeease!
ALFIE: But it's no good her having a tiny engagement ring, is it?
THE VIEWERS: OMG... Phew! *relieved*
THE SCRIPTWRITERS: Ha! You all have dirty minds! Fancy imagining something like that!

*And after that... rather disturbing scene, we go to:*
KAT: Alfie I want a Christmas wedding.
ALFIE: I don't know if I'll be able to work that out-
KAT: Perhaps I didn't make it clear. I want a Christmas Day wedding, or you will NEVER GET IN MY PANTS AGAIN. Okay?
ALFIE: ... Okay.

[Kim]

:rotfl: . Great, more soon please.

[feelingyellow]

:lol: that was fab!!! more soon please :cheer:

[melanielovesdennisrickman]

It's great,please do some more soon!!:rotfl: :rotfl:

[crazy_purple]

I just thought of a brilliant idea for a video with bits from this script! I'll put it up soon as it's finished... :p

[feelingyellow]

:eek: that sounds really cool! can't wait for it! :cheer:

[crazy_purple]

:angry: Windows movie maker is eeevil, it only does it in one format and the websites won't accept it so I can't upload it :crying:

[Kim]

:angry: Windows movie maker is eeevil, it only does it in one format and the websites won't accept it so I can't upload it :crying:

In order to save the movies in a format that you can upload them, you have to go to save movie file and save your movie that way.

[Elect-Death_13]

NANA: ... Sometimes I can't believe we share the same genes.
ALFIE: What? You don't wear jeans.


Bill Nye the science guy! XD

...BIll Bill Bill Bill! *cheerleads*

[crazy_purple]

Bill Nye the science guy! XD

...BIll Bill Bill Bill! *cheerleads*

:rotfl: It's slightly - slightly - slightly - s- l - slightly.... STFU, BILL! :D

[crazy_purple]

The Day Before Christmas Eve

KAT: Alfie I can't believe we're getting married on Christmas Day in the Vic it's so exciting squee!
ALFIE: ... That reminds me, must get divorced from my last wife.
KAT: What was that?
ALFIE: Nothing.

*They have a hen/stag night by themselves, just the 2 of them, in a restaurant, awww*
KAT: I bet you can't eat a hotter curry than me.
ALFIE: Baby, you're the hottest curry in this room.
KAT: ...
ALFIE: ... What?
KAT: That was the weirdest metaphor ever.
ALFIE: What's a metaphor?
KAT: Sigh.
ALFIE: Waiter! Waiter?
*The WAITER comes over*
WAITER: Yes?
ALFIE: Your hottest curry, if you please!
WAITER: Sigh. Whateverrr.
KAT: Hmph. Well, you can't outdrink me.
ALFIE: I can.
KAT: No, I could drink you under the table! Ha!
ALFIE: You could do a lot of things to me under the table. *wink*
KAT: ... Okay, what is wrong with you tonight?
ALFIE: Oh, nothing. Only I'm still married to my previous wife and we're getting married in two days and I'm so not a bigamist, I'm just unfortunate.
KAT: Ooh, our curry is here!

*ALFIE gets embarrassingly drunk and KAT takes him back to the Vic. Before leaving, she handcuffs him to the bed, because... she feels like it? I don't know.*

*The Next Morning (Christmas Eve)*
ALFIE: *wakes up, sees he is handcuffed to the bed* OMG what happened last night?
*KAT is not there. ALFIE is even more worried by this.*
ALFIE: Nooo I need to get to the divorce office thingy! It shuts soon! Damn you, kinky wife!
*He tries to get out of the handcuffs but can't.*
ALFIE: Oh, crap. I'd better shout someone. NANA- Oh no wait stop BAD IDEA SO VERY VERY WRONG.
NANA: *coming in* Yes, dearie?
ALFIE: No, don't come in! Just wait there! Please!
NANA: ... Have you had an accident again?
ALFIE: No! Just go and get someone, will you?
NANA: *gets GARRY*
GARRY: *chuckles* Well, lucky you.
ALFIE: STFU, FOOL.
GARRY: Well, this'll take a minute-
ALFIE: Hurry up!
*GARRY eventually gets ALFIE free by sawing the handcuffs in half*
ALFIE: Yay! Now, let's never speak of this again.
*They never do.*

[Kim]

Great:) More soon please:D

[crazy_purple]

25th November episode (I'll do more of the Kalfie one in a min) This might contain some spoilers (in comedy form :D )

JOHNNY: Ooh it's a month til Christmas whooo!
RUBY: I HATE YOU SO MUCH!
JOHNNY: Season's greetings to you too.

DENNIS: *is studly*
SHARON: *is damn lucky*
DENNIS: Yay let's do this money jar thing where we put a penny in every time we do it for the first 6 months and then take one out every time after that, squee!
SHARON: .... Yay!
DENNIS: *puts 3 pounds in*
ME: *jawdrop* 300? Damn, she really is lucky.
DENNIS: And that's just since yesterday.
ME: OMG! Blimey... *holds head*
*I suddenly realise that they are using pound coins instead of pennies, and I am very, very relieved.*

SONIA: I'm going out with Naomi.
MARTIN: What?!
SONIA: ... To the pub. Totally to the pub. *looks away, whistling*
MARTIN: Oh, that's alright then.

*SHARON and DENNIS stare happily at the money jar, which I was planning on calling 'the sex jar' but that would just be... too weird.*
SHARON: Look! A plot point! In six months time I wonder if we'll take money out of it.
DENNIS: Well, obviously. That's the whole point of the jar. I mean, duh.
SHARON: No, I mean wouldn't it be ironic if we said we were going to follow the instructions and all, but then one of us wasn't even here in 6 months time? Dead, even? Then I could sit here and stare at the jar and cryyyyy.
DENNIS: Woman, shut up!

JOHNNY: *is very, very evil*
RUBY: *writes him a cute letter about how she loves him and stuff*
JOHNNY: *is still very, very evil*

NAOMI: Nah, I just don't fancy Garry.
SONIA: *is surprised, for some reason* OMG why not?
NAOMI: I just don't...
SONIA: ... You're weird. You're not confused about your sexuality or anything, are you? Because I'm very kissable at the mo.
NAOMI: ... I'll bear that in mind.

JOHNNY: *pretends to be friends with JULEY* Ruby, go wait in my office, will you? It has amazing CCTV powers. In colour and everything.
RUBY: Okay!
*But oh noes! JOHNNY's Terrible Hand Of Death and Doom reappears*
JULEY: Man, what the hell?
JOHNNY: You'd be surprised what I can do with this thing. It has amazing powers - I can lift people over railings on a bridge and chuck them off it, for example. Using only this one hand.
JULEY: Eek!
JOHNNY: Yes - it's Johnny's Super Hand! I ought to copyright that.
RUBY: *watching on CCTV* That's kind of a long handshake... Eh, I'm sure it's perfectly normal.

[feelingyellow]

:rotfl: fab! more soon please :cheer:

[Kim]

Great, more soon please.

[crazy_purple]

*Christmas Day - the day of Kat and Alfie's wedding. Alfie still hasn't managed to get divorced from his previous wife. I'd say he was cutting it a bit fine, wouldn't you?*
ALFIE: Gah Kat will hate me forever nooo!
SPENCER: What's up?
ALFIE: Um.. you know that other woman I used to be married to?
SPENCER: Liza?
ALFIE: Yeah - well, the thing is... we're still married.
SPENCER: OMG!
ALFIE: Eh, I'm sure it'll be fine. I know! I'll get a fake registrar in so Kat thinks we're married but we're not really!
SPENCER: ...
ALFIE: That's a brilliant plan! *pats himself on the back*
SPENCER: ... There's so many words for "plonker" in the English language, I can't quite choose one.

KAT: Yay we're getting married... Alfie I love you lots and lots...
ALFIE: *cries*
THE FAKE REGISTRAR: *is AKA David Walliams, whooo!*
KAT: I'm so happy, nothing could spoil this moment! Don't you think so, Alfie?
ALFIE: ... Mmm.
*You'd think someone would notice that one of the members of the Light Brigade just before the charge into the Valley would have looked happier than ALFIE, but somehow KAT doesn't even notice.*
THE FAKE REGISTRAR: Disgruntled badger painting, anyone? Oh - if you have a problem, blah de blah, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ALFIE: *closes his eyes and raises his hand*
KAT: WTF?

[Kim]

Great:). More asap please:)

[feelingyellow]

lol, fab! more soon please :cheer:

[hannah-mj]

fab! more soon!!! :D

[crazy_purple]

*They go upstairs, squee*
ALFIE: Well, i didn't think you'd forgive me this qui-
KAT: STFU! Why the hell did you put your hand up?
ALFIE: Because that's a fake registrar and he's really crazy crazy David Walliams?
KAT: What, the one with the disappointed horse?
ALFIE: .... Yes. Anyway, I'm kind of still married to my first wife please don't kill me.
KAT: ....
ALFIE: I might have got to the solicitors in time yesterday if you hadn't actually handcuffed me to the bed. So, technically, this is all your fault.
KAT: RAAAAA!
ALFIE: *squeaks*

KAT: You realise I've had 2 weddings now and you've managed to ruin them both? What is this, some kind of fetish?
ALFIE: I'm sorry...
KAT: Damn right you're sorry!
ALFIE: I love you....
KAT: I HATE YOU RIGHT NOW!
ALFIE: *cries*

-----
more tomorrow evening gotta go

[Elect-Death_13]

Everytime she writes one, all you peole ever do is say "More soon ASAP!" :hmm: All take & no give! :p

[Kim]

Yeah well, it's a brilliant script:)

[feelingyellow]

lol, that was fab :cheer:
and you can please do some for tonight's ee as it was such a boring episode and i'll know you make it loads better :thumbsup:

[the_watts_rule]

Great More Soon Please!

[crazy_purple]

Monday 28th November EE episode
Short because I can't even remember what happened, it was that boring.

JOHNNY: I meant what I said, yeah? Come within ten feet of Ruby and I keel you.
JULEY: Ten feet? *gets measuring tape out*
JOHNNY: I am totally not overprotective. At all.

MARTIN: I can't believe you got drunk last night.
SONIA: Oh yes, because that's so unusual for EastEnders. The only social event round here is going to the pub. Can you blame me?
MARTIN: Was that backchat? I think it was.
SONIA: Oh, shut up.
MARTIN: NO SEX FOR YOU!
SONIA: .... Gutted.
MARTIN: Hmph.
SONIA: Why are you so mad at me, anyway? Because I have one friend?
MARTIN: That's one more than I have! It's not fair! Plus, you said something to me last night when you got into bed drunk.
SONIA: Really? What was it?
MARTIN: *gives her the hand, turns away*
SONIA: ... What did I say?
PAULINE: They've arrested Betty!
SONIA and MARTIN: ....
*We do not actually find out what it was that SONIA said to MARTIN. I wish they'd stop it with the loose ends already.*

RUBY: Yay Juley I luv u!
JULEY: You speak in text-talk?
RUBY: Yay!
JULEY: Gr8.... NO SEX FOR YOU!
RUBY: ...What is with that today?

*Later*
RUBY: So, you dumped me?
JULEY: No!
RUBY: .... Well, make your mind up.
JULEY: I'm kind of attached to my kneecaps.
RUBY: Well, duh.
JULEY: ...
RUBY: So, we're still together?
JULEY: Yeah! Just tell no-one.

*RUBY promptly tells someone. Oops.*
RUBY: OMG Stacey me and Juley are in lurve, squee!
STACEY: Well, whoopie-doo.

SONIA: Naomi it's not fair! Me and Martin hate each other!
NAOMI: Aww! *hug*
*They make meaningful eyes at each other*
SONIA: ...Yeah, I think I should be going now.
NAOMI: *huskily* The question is... do you want to?
SONIA: Do I want to what? ...Oh.
*Snogginess commences.*

[Kim]

Thats fab:D

[feelingyellow]

excellent! you made it loads better! :cheer:

[melanielovesdennisrickman]

Thanks,that was really good,soooooo much better than the actual boring episode EastEnders gave us yesterday!!

[crazy_purple]

Tuesday 29th November EE episode
Another amazingly boring episode - how do they do it?

SONIA: That was a mistake!
NAOMI: Well, you were doing most of the snogging, as I recall -
SONIA: I think it's best we don't see each other anymore!
NAOMI: So... am I dumped, or what?
SONIA: *runs away because she can't handle the situation that she helped create, the silly girrrrrl.*

NANA: *is getting worse, awww noes*
ALFIE: Everything's fine! Duchess, how are ya?
PEGGY: Do you want to be the manager again?
ALFIE: Wheeee! Yay.
PEGGY: Duchess 'n' Alfie hug!
ALFIE: *hug*
NANA: *watching* Are we quite sure there isn't something going on there?

MARTIN: Sonia, I'm sorry about -
SONIA: *snog*
MARTIN: Yay!
*Later*
SONIA: I'm so happy...
MARTIN: Me too...
THE YOUNG KIDS/TEEN AUDIENCE: Mental note: Sex solves everything. No exceptions.
THE SCRIPTWRITERS: *look away, whistling*

NANA: William?
ALFIE: Um... to all intents and purposes.
NANA: I thought you were dead.
ALFIE: Oh, I'm... not. Clearly. And this won't confuse you even further at all now, will it?
NANA: Yay. I missed you.
*ALFIE is sad, and kisses her hand*
*I am glad she doesn't ask 'WILLIAM' for a quick snog, seeing as he's miraculously risen from the dead and all. Because that would be creepy. And ALFIE would probably do it too, just to keep her happy. Ew. I shouldn't have started this train of thought at all, should I?*

RUBY: Juley I hate you! *cries*
JULEY: *is confused*
*Later*
RUBY: Dad I broke up with Juley! *cries*
JOHNNY: Oh noes! Let's have some tea. Tea fixes everything.
RUBY: Tee hee I didn't really.
THE AUDIENCE: Wait, what?

KAT: *OMG totally flirts with ALFIE and bats her eyelids at him and EVERYTHING. Unless she just has something stuck in her eye.*
ALFIE: ... What do you want?
KAT: Kitchen table?
ALFIE: What?
KAT: Why did you take Nana out in this weather? It's freezing. She looked like she was ABOUT TO DIE.
ALFIE: Probably because she i- I mean, she's fine.
KAT: *moves closer to him and we think she's gonna snog his face off like old times, yay! But she... doesn't.* Alfie, when did you last shave?
ALFIE: ... That was kind of the last thing I expected anyone to say, ever, but hey. STFU none of your business just because you fancy me.
KAT: *calling after him* Stubblyhead! Stubblyhead!

*Later*
*KAT looks across the Square and sees ALFIE emerging from his house at night with a pretty woman! Gasp!*
KAT: You know, he's such a sl*t.

[Kim]

Fab:D

[feelingyellow]

:rotfl: you made another boring episode hilarious, especially like this:



ALFIE: ... What do you want?
KAT: Kitchen table?
ALFIE: What?


:lol:

[crazy_purple]

Back to the random Kalfie script:

KAT: Couldn't you have told me any of this, you know, before the wedding?
ALFIE: No.
KAT: You. Are. Such. An. A*sehole.
ALFIE: Look, I'm sure we can sit down and talk this through like the responsible adults that we are.
KAT: *locks herself in the bathroom*
ALFIE: Sigh.

ALFIE: Er... I'm afraid the wedding's kind of .... been cancelled. Kat hates me *cries*
ZOE: Whoa, deja vu.
ALFIE: Ah well. I'll get over it. Plenty more fish in the sea -
THE NOT-FAKE REGISTRAR: Hey! Your divorce came through!
ALFIE: WTF?
THE NOT-FAKE REGISTRAR: You can get married!
ALFIE: Couldn't you have told me this before I destroyed mine and Kat's relationship?
THE NOT-FAKE REGISTRAR: No.

ALFIE: Kat! Come down here! We're getting married!
KAT: STFU.
ALFIE: No, we really are this time!
KAT: *comes out* We are?
ALFIE: Yep!
KAT: Yay! *they snog, and all is magically forgiven. Wow, he must be a good kisser.*
ALFIE: Um... it might be best if we don't tell anyone that you spent most of our wedding day locked in the bathroom.

*They get married! Yay!*
THE NOT-FAKE REGISTRAR: You may now kiss the -
KAT: *snogs most of ALFIE's face right off*
ALFIE: Oooh.
THE FAKE REGISTRAR: Hmph. I did a better job than him. But am I bothered? No. Am I bothered? No.
KAT: P.S.: Wrong sketchshow.
THE FAKE REGISTRAR: Shut arp. *Leaves - nooo! David Walliams! EastEnders neeeeeds you! Ahem.*

*They go outside and KAT is so thrilled by the snow machine that she snogs the rest of ALFIE's face off that she missed before.*
ALFIE: Oooooh.
*And then KAT looks up and there is a FULL MOON and squeee! a happy ending! And it's the Man in the Moon! Yay! Double yay! Okay, maybe I'm overreacting.*

------
:eek: I only just realised that Andy is actually dead! :rolleyes: And I'm now refusing to type the dreaded word M*lfie. It has become a swearword, people.

[feelingyellow]

lol, fab more soon please! :cheer:

[melanielovesdennisrickman]

That's great,more soon please!!

[the_watts_rule]

That was really good!

[Kim]

Great:D

[Chloe-Elise]

Brilliant :D

[crazy_purple]

*For a couple of months, Kat and Alfie are happy as happy can be*
KAT: There's no customers, fancy a break?
ALFIE: There's loads of customers-
KAT: I said: Fancy. A. Break?
ALFIE: .... *to customers* Gotta go! *they race upstairs*
THE CUSTOMERS WAITING TO BE SERVED: Hello? Hello? What's with all the random sexing with these two? Do they never stop? Oy.

*But then, Something Happens.*
LITTLE MO: I was raped...
KAT: Again?
CHARLIE: ME HULK!
LITTLE MO: No, Dad, that's a really bad idea-
CHARLIE: HULK SMASH!
*Later*
GRAHAM: ...Okay, I'm totally gonna sue the a$s off you now.
KAT: GAAAAAH!
GRAHAM: Or else your dad will be in prison for longer, and you wouldn't want that, not with his weak heart, would you? Eh?
KAT: I am going to kill you.
GRAHAM: Say what?
KAT: ...Ten grand, coming right up.

*They manage to raise 2 grand, but not enough, woe*
KAT: Alfie, why is there an extra grand in here?
ALFIE: Um... I put it there.
KAT: Awwwwww! *Random sexing ensues*
ALFIE: Yay!
*So now they have 3 grand, but still not enough. Poo.*

KAT: Andy, since you're such a nice gangster dude and all, will you help us?
ANDY: No problemo.
KAT: ....Really?
ANDY: Yeah, sure, just as long as you sleep with me.
KAT: Okay, fine- WAIT A MINUTE! *slappity slaps him, whoooo*
ANDY: You're such a slapper, man.
KAT: QUIET OR I STAB YOU.
ANDY: But it's quite a good deal, really. You should be amazed that I actually think you're worth £7000.
KAT: STABNATION!
ANDY: Okay okay I'll shut up.
KAT: *gives him the hand, leaves*
ANDY: ...
KAT: *comes back* Oh, wait, this is my house.

[feelingyellow]

lol, fab more soon please :cheer:

[crazy_purple]

*Alfie mysteriously manages to get £7000 from somewhere...*
KAT: OMG I love you! *snogs dramatically*
ANDY: *rubs hands together gleefully* Little does she know that I will soon get my revenge... I could squash him like an ant, but that's too easy... no, I'll bide my time until - oh, hell, I'll just squash him like an ant.

ANDY: And the ant-squashery begins.... now. Alfie, your next payment's due in tomorrow, plzkthanx.
ALFIE: But I can't get that kind of money in-
ANDY: Buh-buh. Shhhh.
ALFIE: Bu-
ANDY: Shhh.
ALFIE: You-
ANDY: Shhh!
ALFIE: I can't-
ANDY: Shhh!
ALFIE: *cries*
ANDY: Hee hee. Alfie n'aime pas!

ANDY: Sooooo, Kat. How the tables have turned. Now I'm gonna keel your husband, and the only way you can stop it is to sleep with me! Mwahahahahaaa!
KAT: ...Yeah, I got it the first time.
ANDY: Hmm, yeah. So, will you do it?
KAT: *slappity slaps him*
ANDY: .... I really wish she'd stop doing that.

ANDY: *has a Baseball Bat Of Doom And Pain And Hurty, oh noes* Tee hee.
KAT: You really need to work on that evil gangster laugh, man.
ANDY: Whatever. Anyway, with this bat, I thee wed - I mean, we'll start on the more... vulnerable areas first. *sinisterly*
ALFIE: *crosses his legs, which is a remarkable achievement, considering he's standing up*
KAT: YOU NO HURT ALFIE. ALFIE MIIIIIINE.
ANDY: Well, you can have until 5pm tomorrow. Hear that, Kat? 5pm. be there. *blows her a kiss*
ALFIE: *moaning* Nooo, not the vulnerable areas...
KAT: Don't worry... he won't touch your - *pauses* Oh, man, mental image.


---------
I'm sorry for resorting to borrowing from the Simpsons and Austin Powers :( I'm all funnied out:rolleyes:

[feelingyellow]

:rotfl: it's fab - more soon pwease! :cheer:

[crazy_purple]

*Kat wakes up the next day*
KAT: Alfie?
*Note the mysterious lack of Alfie about the place.*
KAT: Bah. I fancied a morning go at it, too... OMG Andy! I forgot!
*She finds a note from Alfie saying 'Trust me'.*
KAT: That's it? He had enough time to write an enigmatic message, but not enough to say where he'd gone?
THE SCRIPTWRITERS: *look away, whistling*
KAT: Who keeps making that noise? Nana?

*Kat eventually goes round to Andy's house anyway, possibly to slap him. Again. I hope so.*
ANDY: Kat. Sit yourself down. I was going to beat your husband to a bloody pulp, but hey. Maybe I won't.
KAT: Oh, you think you're such a kewl gangster, don't you?
ANDY: ... Why, yes.
KAT: Well, you're not! I've seen The Untouchables! Al Capone was at a dinner party, talking and laughing to his men while he walked round this table, and then out of nowhere he just whacked this guy over the head with a baseball bat! I mean, dude! At the dinner table!
ANDY: .... I'm glad to see you watch historically educational movies.
KAT: The guy was totally pwned! And no-one else even said a word! And then-
ANDY: Yeah, yeah. I'm cooler.
KAT: You totally aren't.
ANDY: Am too.
KAT: Am not.
ANDY: Am too. Now sexing, please.
KAT: *slappity sl-*
ANDY: *GRABS HER HAND, oh noes!* Yeah, I got bored of that quickly.
KAT: *glares*

-----------
more in a min, gotta go

[crazy_purple]

*They do the deed, nooooooooo*
KAT: Okay, so this is over now, yeah? The debt's off?
ANDY: *smirking* Of course.
*THE GODS OF IRONY make a sudden comeback...*
*Alfie bursts in!*
ALFIE: I got your money just in time!
KAT: OMG! *hides behind door*
ANDY: Er... good. Yes.
ALFIE: I am in time, right?
ANDY: Um... sure. Kind of.
KAT: *is retching behind the door*
ANDY: Jeez, it wasn't that bad, was it...?

ALFIE: Yay Kat I paid him back! We're okay!
KAT: Oh. Good.
ALFIE: YAY!
KAT: *sniffle*

ALFIE: *snogs Kat's face off, conveniently in front of Andy's window*
ANDY: *seethes*

[feelingyellow]

no more slappity-slaps :( but fab script, can't wait for the next part! :cheer:

[crazy_purple]

Thursday 1st December EE episode

MO: Alfie's not on his stall again. He must be having it off with a new woman.
KAT: *bottom lip trembles*
MO: ... Oh, sorry, I forgot that might be a painful subject. Coffee?

SONIA and MARTIN: La di da, everything is fine, nothing could be better, whoopie doo.
NAOMI: SHUT UP.

KAT: *sees ALFIE in the Vic chatting to a woman* BAH!
*ALFIE leaves, and another man kisses the woman*
KAT: Bloody hell, it's like a conveyor belt.
*She marches up to the woman*
KAT: OMG you're such a sl*t and DON'T HURT ALFIE HE MINE!
DOCTOR: ... I didn't catch any of that.
KAT: He might just be a quickie to you, but to me - *sobs* - HE'S MY SQUISHY!
DOCTOR: ....
KAT: If I hear any word of tables becoming involved then I. Will. Kill. You. So badly.
DOCTOR: What?
KAT: Tables are kind of our thing, ya know?
DOCTOR: Er... I'm Nana Moon's doctor?
KAT'S EXPRESSION: *totally rules.*

MO: Dennis and Sharon must be deeeeead!
PAULINE: Yeah!
*So they burst into their flat, and catch DENNIS... er.... doing DIY. (Think about what the letters stand for... there you go.) Yes. Ewww.*
MO: Was he doing what I thought he was doing?!
DENNIS: *is a naughty boy. But oh so hawt.*
SHARON: *giggles madly*
DENNIS: *cries*

KAT: Why didn't you tell me?
ALFIE: I couldn't.
KAT: I thought you and her were doing it. And that made me sad.
ALFIE: No... there's no one else for me only you of course not. *he gets all upset*
KAT: *heart melts* Awww, c'mere.
*She lets him lean his head on her shoulder. It must be hard because he's taller than her. He'll end up with a bad back. Oh dear. Why am I typing this? It's complete nonsense. Yay, a Kalfie hug.*
ALFIE: *sniffle* She's gonna die...
KAT: Awww, baby, I'll be there for you... with or without clothes...
ALFIE: Thank you... *sadly*
*A few minutes later*
KAT: Alfie, I appreciate you're upset, but if you look down my top one more time, you're getting a kick in the nuts.
ALFIE: Sorry.
*That didn't happen. But it should have.*

MARTIN: *finally puts two and two together* OMG you're having an affair!
SONIA: Ummmm....
MARTIN: Don't deny it!
SONIA: It was just a kiss! .....Oops.
NAOMI: *facepalm*

[feelingyellow]

:rotfl: that was fab! please do some more comedy soon :thumbsup:

[melanielovesdennisrickman]

Haha,lol,that was really good,more soon please!!

[Jada-GDR]

i know i've said it before, but this is great :p

[crazy_purple]

Friday 2nd December EE episode

ALFIE: Don't worry Nana, I'm sure we'll get to meet the Queen.
NANA: ... You're more deluded than I thought.
ALFIE: What was that?
NANA: Ooh dearie me, etc., etc., etc. You happy?
ALFIE: Awww, Nana's so old and feeble.
NANA: STFU.

NAOMI: Martin's about as interesting as a bowl of porridge.
THE AUDIENCE: *chortle* It's funny 'cause it's true.
SONIA: HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT?! *stomps away*

JULEY: Come on...
RUBY: No!
JULEY: Why not?
RUBY: ... Because doing it in a grotty pub toilet isn't really one of my life aims?
JULEY: You're weird.

NANA: Kat, I'm going to see the Queen, apparently.
KAT: ....
*Nana wanders out*
KAT: What the hell?
ALFIE: *wibbles* I wanted to make her happy...
KAT: Are you completely insane? ...Stupid question.
ALFIE: I can't help it... The sight of you made me all silly and excited -
KAT: Dude, ew.

NANA: Kat, Alfie's such a plonker.
KAT: Yeah, what's with that?
NANA: He thinks he's taking me to see the Queen. But I know he won't.
KAT: Old lady cunning yay! Nana, you're a devious old lady.
NANA: Why, thank you.

*But then they go to Madame Tussauds, and I've been there, yay!*
NANA: Yay! Alfie you're wonderful!
ALFIE: Oh it wasn't me, it was Kat. She's the wonderful one *worships her*
KAT: Stop undressing me with your eyes.
ALFIE: Sorry.
KAT: Well, I'm glad you got rid of that stubble, anyway. It was starting to breathe for itself.
NANA: Who's for drawing a moustache on the Queen?
KAT: Me!
ALFIE: Me!
KAT'S RANDOM FRIEND, WHO WE HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE: So, I'm gonna say something now that explains how you managed to get Madame Tussauds to yourself.
KAT: Okay! That should wrap it up nicely.
They should really have gone in that mega-scary part with all the serial killer people who are dressed like ancient mummies and jump out at you from the dark and breathe on you and I should never have let my mum take me in there, we were hanging onto each other in terror like ARGH *hyperventilates* But they didn't. Woe.

I would have done more about the Naomi/Sonia/Martin thang, but I prefer Kalfie, as you may have noticed. :D

[feelingyellow]

lmao, fab script and i sorta did guess you liked kalfie :p please do some more soon! :cheer:

and i love your glow by the way :D and how come you didn't mention alfie's rather interesting shirt? :p

[crazy_purple]

and how come you didn't mention alfie's rather interesting shirt? :p

I was so shocked by it, my brain forced me to forget about it, otherwise I would have been traumatised for life :D Aha...

[feelingyellow]

I was so shocked by it, my brain forced me to forget about it, otherwise I would have been traumatised for life :D Aha...

lmao, i wish i could forget it ... i might have nightmares forever :p

[crazy_purple]

Back to the Kalfie thing... yay...

ANDY: Alfie, I've got a video here you may find... interesting. *wink wink*
ALFIE: Ooh!
ANDY: Here, I think you'll enjoy it...
ALFIE: Whooo! *takes the video*
ANDY: Tee hee. my evil plan is in motion!
*I can't quite decide why Alfie decided to accept a video from his worst enemy, who only a week ago was threatening to smoosh him into little pieces. You'd think he'd at least be a tiny bit suspicious. I conclude that he is either: Very stupid, or very pervy. Ew.*

ALFIE: *settles down to watch his video - which, may I add, is the original Tape of Doom and Exposition?* Hmm, that looks strangely like my wife and my worst enemy... Hey, why's she leaning there? Does he have something in his eye? Well, she always was very kind to people in need - hey! She's kissing him! OMG! Oh, maybe they're practising for a play.
*A few minutes later*
ALFIE: Now they've obviously tripped and fallen into bed together. Oh dear. She's so clumsy - WAIT A SECOND! *mouth falls open* SHE'S ONLY 'SPOSED TO DO THAT TO ME! *cries*

----
more tomorrow :)

[feelingyellow]

lmao that was fab :rotfl: can't wait for the next part :cheer:

[Kim]

Fab, more soon please:)

[crazy_purple]

*Kat comes in*
KAT: *sees the kind of video her husband is watching, oh dear* Alfie! I never realised you were the sort!
ALFIE: *cries*
THE AUDIENCE: *just want to hug him, awww*
KAT: *notices his expression* Blimey, cheer up. You never get this emotional when we're- *looks at the video more closely...* .... Oh, f**k.
ALFIE: EXACTLY! *storms off*
KAT: *stares at the TV* Does it really look like that?

KAT: You don't understand! He tricked me!
ALFIE: Oh, did he dress up as me and put a mask on or something?
KAT: No! It was an accident!
ALFIE: What, did he trip you up and your legs just happened to o-
KAT: *cries* Noooo....
ALFIE: Kat, those are the worst excuses ever! You're nothing but a drunken sl*t who can't keep her knickers on!
KAT: *slappity slaps him, yay - no, wait, not yay, not yay at all!*
ALFIE: *whacks her one straight back*
THE AUDIENCE: Gasp!
KAT: OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY HIT ME!
ALFIE: ....But you hit me first...
KAT: BOYS AREN'T 'SPOSED TO HIT GIRRRRLS!
ALFIE: You're such a hypocrite!
KAT: Yeah? Well, you're MEAN!

KAT: He blackmailed me - he was gonna kill you unless I slept with him and I kept slapping him but he didn't quite get the message and then-
ALFIE: Wait, what?
KAT: He would have killed you! And i couldn't have let him do that because I love you and without you, there'd never be any adorable Kalfie babies! There wouldn't even be a Kalfie! There'd just be a Kat, and she's no good at all! *cries*
ALFIE: *eyeroll* There, there. It's alright. I- no! What am I doing! I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!
KAT: YOU'D BE DEAD IF IT WASN'T FOR ME! I DID YOU A FAVOUR!
ALFIE: I'M SURE YOU DID!
KAT; CAN WE STOP IT WITH THE CAPITAL LETTERS NOW?
ALFIE: *grudgingly* Oh, alright then.
KAT: I gave myself up for you, Alfie. I gave myself to that w***er, just to save your sorry skin.
ALFIE: *mumbles angrily*
KAT: What?
ALFIE: He touched you, he shouldn't have touched you, you're MINE! ALL MINE!
KAT: ... Ooookay.
ALFIE: *blinks* I.. didn't just say that out loud, did I?
KAT: ...Nope.
ALFIE: Okay - but I can't believe you'd do a thing like that! You should have talked to me first!
KAT: Oh, I'm sure you would have agreed to it, wouldn't you?
ALFIE: There was nothing to agree with!
KAT: But you'd be dead right now if I hadn't-
ALFIE: I don't care! I'd rather die than let you get abused like that!
KAT: *misting up* Awwwwwwwwww, sweetheart...
ALFIE: Hmph.
KAT: ... You're not gonna leave me, are you?
ALFIE: Sigh. No... The world's nothing without Kalfie.
KAT: Yay!
*They hug*

[feelingyellow]

:rotfl: that was and sooooooooo sweet! :wub: kalfie babies! :cheer: please do more sooon!

[Kim]

Fab. Please do more asap:).

[crazy_purple]

*Kat and Alfie go to visit their new arch-enemy, in a strange Batman and Robin kind of way*
BATMAN ALFIE: You forced my wife to sleep with you! You wh**e!
ANDY: ... If by 'forced', you mean 'gave her £7000', then, yeah, but-
BATMAN ALFIE: Well, the camera angles were rubbish!
ROBIN KAT: And so were you!
ANDY: Gasp! *eyes fill with tears* I didn't come here to be insulted! *goes to leave*
BATMAN AND ROBIN: ....
ANDY: No, wait, this is my house.
THE AUDIENCE: *shaking fist* You already used that joke once! No fair! I'll get you for this! I'll get you-
BATM- NO, JUST ALFIE: She loves me not you.
ANDY: Oh really? *strokes Kat's cheek in an eww gesture of ewwness*
ALFIE: MINE NOT YOURS!
ANDY: *to Kat* That's a nice ickle bruise you got there, darlin'.
ALFIE: STFU I would never hurt her UNLKE YOU.
*They square up to each other, BATMAN and THE JOKER - or is it THE PENGUIN? I don't know. I never saw it. What the hell am I on about, anyhoo?*
KAT: Ooh, I can practically smell the testosterone in the room.
ANDY: No, that's just my perfume-
ALFIE: ...
ANDY: I meant 'aftershave'. That's what I meant. Yes.
KAT: Look, you two, you're never gonna get anywhere by fighting, so why don't we all-
*BATMAN AND THE JOKER/PENGUIN/STFU suddenly turn into a cloud of dust, with occasional fists popping out, and comical 'argh!'s and 'ow!'s.*
KAT: ... Who says we're on a low budget?

[feelingyellow]

:rotfl: fab! more soon please :D

[Kim]

Fab:). Please do more asap.

[crazy_purple]

Tuesday 6th December EE

Normally this would contain words like "crazified" etc., but it isn't because that's not very nice. :nono:

STACEY: *rocks soooo much and it totally makes up for her being a chav and all*
MO: I think I'll interrupt here and disrupt this fragile situation, just when you've started to kind of get your mum back to normal! It's not like this could possibly make her worse or anything, although I already know she hates my guts! Yay!
STACEY: .... Geeeet oooout!
MO: Hmph.
STACEY'S MUM: *reminds me oddly of Gollum/Smeagol/Andy Serkis dude.*

FRANK: Sooo, Janine's a murderer! OMG I can't wait to see her she'll have changed so much!
*We do not actually see Janine.*
FRANK: Did she marry anyone?
PAT: Yeah, Barry. But he died on their honeymoon.
FRANK: Oh noes! She must be devastated!
PAT: OH, THE IRONY.

CHRISSIE: I want every damn fool in Walford to appear as witnesses because they'll make Den seem eeeeevil and baaaad, and then I might get off! Mwahahahahahaaaa!
LAWYER: Yeah, whatever.
CHRISSIE: And I want Sharon! AND HER LITTLE DOG, TOO!
LAWYER: ... I don't think she has a dog.
CHRISSIE: Did I ask you?

FRANK: Let's go back to my place.
THE AUDIENCE: Let's not.
FRANK: Please stay with me!
THE AUDIENCE: PLEASE DON'T.
*Pat eventually give's into Frank's... I was going to say "animal charm" but just typing that makes me feel all icky.*
Fortunately, we are spared the horrors of Frank and Pat getting it on (you realise I'm gonna have to wash my hands after typing this?). There is a God.

[feelingyellow]

lol, fab! please do more soon! :cheer:

[Kim]

Lol, More soon please:).

[Jessie Wallace]

Lol, thats great.

[Chloe-Elise]

Lol, thats great, more asap :D

[Elect-Death_13]

I HAVE A FUNNY FRIEND YAY.

...I have you too :)

[crazy_purple]

I HAVE A FUNNY FRIEND YAY.

...I have you too :)

....Yay. :D Wait... you only just noticed? I'm insulted :lol:

[crazy_purple]

Thursday 8th December EE

FRANK: *points at the bed*
PAT: *points at the bed*
FRANK: Hmm.
PAT: You don't regret it, do you? You know... what we did? Last night? In that there bed?
FRANK: Of course not it was brill! And amazing! And wrinkly! Yay!
THE AUDIENCE: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHUT UP.

JAKE: *wakes up next to SOME GIRL* ...Oops.
*He runs outside, and through some strange miracle he looks exactly the same as he did yesterday... his clothes aren't creased or anything...*

STACEY: *looks after her mum*
THE AUDIENCE: Awwwwwwww! Huggle!

CHRISSIE: Who stole my clothes?
EVERYBODY: *looks away, whistling*

*A chavtastic scene ensues.*
ABBY: Your mum's craaaazy.
STACEY: *gives her the hand, looks away* Woteva.
ABBY: Y R U :( ?
STACEY: You're smoking! That's bad for your baybee!
ABBY: WOTEVA.
STACEY: You should take more care of it!
ABBY: Why? I got a well good flat, 32nd floor, just need rats clearin' out an' it'll be well blingin'. In other news: YOUR MUM CRAZEE!
STACEY: You sket!
ABBY: Who you callin' a sket, you... sket?
*I must be behind with the chav times, I have no idea what that word means.*
STACEY: Why don't you LIKE ME?
ABBY: Aw, Stace. Don't make me actually show some real emotion here.

JAKE: *goes back to SOME GIRL's house*
SOME GIRL: Ooh, back for thirds?
THE AUDIENCE: Mmm, Jake thirds.... *winks - Yes I did say "WINKS". You dirty-minded people.*
JAKE: Nah, I forgot my mobile.
SOME GIRL: Hmph! you don't even know my name!
*Jake finds his phone*
SOME GIRL: It's Fearne! My name is Fearne!
JAKE: B*tch, please. No-one cares.

PAT: Get away from me! I am horrified by your gravelly voice! *jumps in a cab*
FRANK: *jumps in a cab* FOLLOW THAT CAR! ...Man, I always wanted to say that.

CHRISSIE: *cries*
WHATS-HER-NAME: Um... *pats her on the back*
CHRISSIE: BAD TOUCH! BAD TOUCH!
WHATS-HER-NAME: Argh! You crazeee!
CHRISSIE: Crazy in love, yes! *starts dancing* ....No, wait. I'M SOOOORRY!
*collapses on the bed*
WHATS-HER-NAME: My kid will remember this forever! She'll be traumatized by this cut on my face!
CHRISSIE: More than she'll be traumatized by you missing most of her life languishing in prison?
WHATS-HER-NAME: SHUT UP.

[Kim]

Brill:)

[big bro fan]

fantastic 10 star rating definantly

[kirstienod]

brillant! lol! more soon please

[feelingyellow]

:lol: fab, more soon please :D

[crazy_purple]

I so did not cry at this episode, why do you ask?

PAT: *wanders somewhere with a random woman whom we may or may not have seen before, ever.*
FRANK: *hovers nonchalantly near them*
PAT: What, are you stalking me now?
FRANK: Change your story?
PAT: No!
RANDOM WOMAN: *bottom lip wibbles* My poor Laura...
PAT: I'M CHANGING MY STORY.
THE LAWYER GUY: *looks cheesed off. I don't blame him.*
PAT: I was confuzzled by all the freakiness that was going down, yo.
THE LAWYER GUY: Whatever. I just want you to make your damn mind up.

JEAN: *ventures outside for the first time in months, yay*
EVIL CHAVS: *the bike-riding of DOOOOOM! So very very menacing!*
ME: Go on, whack 'em round the head with a roll of Christmas wrapping paper or something! Not that I ever did that, of course... Or kick their bike and make them fall off! I am truly evil. Yay. Apparently I'm someone's evil idol. Mwahahahaha....

JAKE: I love you.
CHRISSIE: If you love me, never see me again.
JAKE: What the hell kind of sense does that make?
CHRISSIE: I'm gone. *leaves*
JAKE: Well.

*Stacey goes into a pub and tells everybody off.*
STACEY: I hope you all rot! IN YOUR OWN FILTH! *leaves, slams door*
A LITTLE OLD LADY: *quavering voice* I only came in to use the ladies'...

A silhouette of someone appears....
THE PRISONERS: Argh! Run! it's Chrissie's hair!
CHRISSIE'S HAIR: *advances menacingly*

STACEY: *breaks down and cries after her mum's tried to kill herself*
BIG MO: Hihi.
STACEY: ARGH!
*later, back in the Square*
STACEY: *unfolds the photo some more* Alright, Sean?
*The photo should now also have a title. I think it will be The Amazing Unfolding Photo Of Mystery! .... Well, it doesn't exactly roll off the tongue..*
ME: Who the hell is Sean? This is turning into Lost with the weird cliffhangers... Yay, Lost! Ooh, that reminds me...

[squillyfer]

lol this is great

[crazy_purple]

I'll do one of Wednesday's Lost tomorrow :)

[feelingyellow]

fab, more soon please :D

[crazy_purple]

Wednesday 7th December Lost (channel 4)

*Another flashbacky episode*
LOCKE: Hi, how are-
THE AUDIENCE: OMG LOCKE HAD HAIR!?
LOCKE: So, you're my mum, right?
THE AUDIENCE: TERRIBLE HAIR, TOO!
LOCKE'S MUM: Yeah. But you don't have a dad. You were immaculately conceived, yo.
LOCKE: ....
LOCKE'S MUM: Yay!
LOCKE: *backs away*

*Back in the island full of pretty, pretty people*
LOCKE: We need a sign! Any sign!
BOONE: ...
LOCKE: And stop looking at me like that! With your... strange... blood-covered.... face....?
BOONE: Teresa falls down the stairs, Teresa falls up the stairs...
LOCKE: Dahling, we're on an island. No stairs here.
BOONE: Teresa falls up the stairs, Teresa falls down the stairs...
LOCKE: No Teresa either.
BOONE: Teresa falls-
LOCKE: ALRIGHT ALRIGHT I GET IT.
THE AUDIENCE: *shakes, hides under the bedcovers - or was that just me? Anyhoo...*
LOCKE: Quit it with the Exorcist crap and- oh noes wheelchair!
*Some extremely bad special effects randomly plonked him into his wheelchair.*
LOCKE: THIS IS NOT FUN!
*He wakes up*
LOCKE: ....

*Onto some lighter material involving Sawyer, YAY!*
SAWYER: *says some stuff, but I can't concentrate because omgsawyer.*
JACK: You need glasses.
SAWYER: ... What, are you an optician too now?
*Sayid turns out to be very handy at welding, and makes Sawyer some glasses.*
SAWYER: I can see! *is happy*
THE AUDIENCE: *is happy*
SAWYER: *looks vaguely like Johnny Depp in that random film*
KATE: *giggles at him*
SAWYER: SHUT UP.
THE OTHER KATE (ME!): *lusts after him*

LOCKE: Dad?
LOCKE'S DAD: Son! Let's go hunting!
LOCKE: Yay!

*But then Locke's Dad turns out to be eeeevil by stealing Locke's kidney, boo, hiss*
LOCKE's DAD: Mwahahahahaaaa!
LOCKE: ...Damn it.

HENCHMAN: I'm sorry, he isn't seeing anyone- wait a minute. *gets out a clipboard* What is your reason for visiting? a)Business, b)Pleasure, or c)He stole your kidney and won't give it back?
LOCKE: ... C! Definitely C!
HENCHMAN: *tuts* Again? *ticks the box*
LOCKE: *tries to get in*
HENCHMAN: Whoa there. You can't go in - kidneys are non-returnable.
LOCKE: BUT I WANT IT BAAACK!
HENCHMAN: Well, maybe you should have thought of that before, smart guy.

*Pretty people again! And Locke is bald once more! Squee!*
LOCKE: C'mon Boone, we're going into the forest in the dark, steamy, sexy night.
BOONE: Ooh... I mean, why the hell would you want to do that?
LOCKE: Shut up.
BOONE: *happily* Okay!
SOME TREE: Stabbity!
LOCKE'S LEG: Meh.
BOONE: Er, man? You kinda got... pwned back there?
LOCKE: *looks down* ...Aw, crap.
BOONE: You okay?
LOCKE: We gotta find that plane!
*They do. Hurrah.*
BOONE: *climbs in* Man, it's... full of heroin.
*Back at camp*
CHARLIE: *lifts up head* Who said that?
*In the plane of drugginess*
THE PLANE: *creaks*
LOCKE: OMG get out of there!
BOONE: *finds a radio* Mayday! Mayday! ... I've always wanted to say that.
*To his amazement, SOMEONE ANSWERS! OMG! Pay attention, because this may be veeeery important later on... in the second series, say...*
BOONE: We are the survivors of Flight 815-
THE PLANE: *creaks louder*
LOCKE: GET OUUUUUT!
THE RADIO: WTF?! But we're the-
THE PLANE: Man, can't you take a hint?! *collapses, conveniently before we can find out anything remotely spoileriffic.*
LOCKE: Nooooo! This is all my fault!
THE PLANE: Well, duh.
LOCKE: *drags Boone out of the wreckage, amazingly recovering full use of his legs.*

*Back at the caves*
SAWYER: *lies there, the sun bouncing off his body and-*
THE FAN GIRLS (AND FAN BOYS, TOO, POSSIBLY): *froth at the mouth*
LOCKE: *appears, dangling Boone over his shoulders* Jack!
JACK: *was trying to sleep* Godammit, can't you people last one minute without me? I should never have told them I'm a doctor. All you ever do is shout "Jack!" and - OMG BOONE!
BOONE: *may or may not be deaded, we'll find out next week...*

NEXT WEEK ON LOST: Boone dies, but that's okay because I never liked him anyway, Claire has the baby (squeee!) and Shannon and Sayid have a picnic(very dramatic.) (I don't think they count as spoilers because Boone is obviously kinda smooshed from the druggified plane, and, well, you can hardly go "OMG Claire has the BABY?! That's AMAZING! I never expected that! I though it'd just stay there forever and-" Okay, I'll shut up now.)

[feelingyellow]

lol! fab, please do more soon! :cheer:

[crazy_purple]

Some pictures I made that go with these scripts:

EastEnders
http://x11.putfile.com/12/34412291379.jpg (http://www.putfile.com/) http://x11.putfile.com/12/34412270931.jpg (http://www.putfile.com/) http://x11.putfile.com/12/34412251584.jpg (http://www.putfile.com/) http://x11.putfile.com/12/34412222218.jpg (http://www.putfile.com/) http://x11.putfile.com/12/34412195613.jpg (http://www.putfile.com/) http://x11.putfile.com/12/34412172950.jpg (http://www.putfile.com/)

Feel free to borrow/steal/whatever :D Lost ones coming up soon

[feelingyellow]

Some pictures I made that go with these scripts:

EastEnders
http://x11.putfile.com/12/34412291379.jpg (http://www.putfile.com/) http://x11.putfile.com/12/34412270931.jpg (http://www.putfile.com/) http://x11.putfile.com/12/34412251584.jpg (http://www.putfile.com/) http://x11.putfile.com/12/34412222218.jpg (http://www.putfile.com/) http://x11.putfile.com/12/34412195613.jpg (http://www.putfile.com/) http://x11.putfile.com/12/34412172950.jpg (http://www.putfile.com/)

Feel free to borrow/steal/whatever :D Lost ones coming up soon

lmao, fab! :cheer:

[big bro fan]

well good

[Kim]

Good Pics:)

[Kim]

I so did not cry at this episode, why do you ask?

PAT: *wanders somewhere with a random woman whom we may or may not have seen before, ever.*
FRANK: *hovers nonchalantly near them*
PAT: What, are you stalking me now?
FRANK: Change your story?
PAT: No!
RANDOM WOMAN: *bottom lip wibbles* My poor Laura...
PAT: I'M CHANGING MY STORY.
THE LAWYER GUY: *looks cheesed off. I don't blame him.*
PAT: I was confuzzled by all the freakiness that was going down, yo.
THE LAWYER GUY: Whatever. I just want you to make your damn mind up.

JEAN: *ventures outside for the first time in months, yay*
EVIL CHAVS: *the bike-riding of DOOOOOM! So very very menacing!*
ME: Go on, whack 'em round the head with a roll of Christmas wrapping paper or something! Not that I ever did that, of course... Or kick their bike and make them fall off! I am truly evil. Yay. Apparently I'm someone's evil idol. Mwahahahaha....

JAKE: I love you.
CHRISSIE: If you love me, never see me again.
JAKE: What the hell kind of sense does that make?
CHRISSIE: I'm gone. *leaves*
JAKE: Well.

*Stacey goes into a pub and tells everybody off.*
STACEY: I hope you all rot! IN YOUR OWN FILTH! *leaves, slams door*
A LITTLE OLD LADY: *quavering voice* I only came in to use the ladies'...

A silhouette of someone appears....
THE PRISONERS: Argh! Run! it's Chrissie's hair!
CHRISSIE'S HAIR: *advances menacingly*

STACEY: *breaks down and cries after her mum's tried to kill herself*
BIG MO: Hihi.
STACEY: ARGH!
*later, back in the Square*
STACEY: *unfolds the photo some more* Alright, Sean?
*The photo should now also have a title. I think it will be The Amazing Unfolding Photo Of Mystery! .... Well, it doesn't exactly roll off the tongue..*
ME: Who the hell is Sean? This is turning into Lost with the weird cliffhangers... Yay, Lost! Ooh, that reminds me...

Great stuff. More soon please:p.

[crazy_purple]

Tuesday 13th December EE

JOHNNY: *sits on Ruby's bed and looks at her teddy bears. This is rather disturbing.*
RANDOM GIRL: *makes a sudden reappearance after weeks of being invisible, and proceeds to snog him to death. I would like to know what she sees in him exactly. Answers on a postcard please.*

ALFIE: *is managing the Vic once more.... YAY!*
PEGGY: Yay!
JIM: Yay!
EVERYBODY: Yay!
*Kat sneaks up behind him and they have a rather flirty conversation, during which Kat pinches Alfie's bum. Several times. She also randomly starts tickling him.*
ALFIE: *hums dreamily to self* Yeah, I'm sure there's absolutely no chemistry between us at all.
KAT: I WANT YOU SO BAD.
ALFIE: Better get back to my bottle-rattling-randomness!
KAT: ... God, why did I marry him? More to the point, wasn't it only a month or two ago that we were both crying and snivelling because I said I couldn't be his wife anymore and -
ALFIE: *bends down to pick something up*
KAT: Ooooh....

RUBY: This is all my fault! I let myself down, I let everyone down-
STACEY: Hey, that reminds me of that joke about the balloon!
RUBY: MY LIFE IS RUINED.
STACEY: Girl, please. Have you listened to me lately?
RUBY: I love Juley!
STACEY: ... Obviously not.

*Johnny and Phil happen to just-about walk into each other.*
JOHNNY: ....
PHIL: ....
JOHNNY: ....
PHIL: ....
JOHNNY: ...
PHIL: ...
DOT: Will you two stop making eyes at each other?

ALFIE: Nana isn't answering her phone oh noes!
PEGGY: Relax! What's the worst that could have happened?
ALFIE: .... OMG SHE'S DEAD!
NANA: Hi, Alfie.
ALFIE: Nobody panic, but my grandmother may be slightly dead!
NANA: ... I'm right here.
ALFIE: Yippee!
*They organise a day out at the races, which is not at all terribly sadly ironic. Ahem - Friday! Sniffle...*
ALFIE: I'm looking forward to spending the day with the most important woman in my life. *gazes fondly at Nana*
KAT: Hmph! *looks disgruntled*
ALFIE: Oh yeah - I forgot about you. Thanks for today, Kat.
KAT: *brave sniffle* That's what mates do, isn't it? Mates. Yes. Mates. I haven't been following you around all day like a little puppy or something. Totally not.
ALFIE: *friendly smile*
KAT: *friendly smile back* OMG he's standing next to me!
ALFIE: Sooo... isn't it lovely, just being mates.
KAT: *facepalm*

JULEY: Ruby's in love with me, it's not fair!
PHIL: *appears menacingly from the shadows with an evil laugh* My evil plan is working! Squee!
*And... that was the corniest ending ever.*

[feelingyellow]

lmao, fab especially the last line! more soon please :cheer: