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phils little sister
21-07-2005, 16:35
One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife
decides to take their boat out. She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and takes out her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, "Good morning, "Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, thinking isn't that obvious.

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading," she tells him.

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says
the woman.

"But I haven't touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you
could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day, ma'am," he said... and quickly left.

.:SpIcYsPy:.
21-07-2005, 18:02
lol!! That's a good one!!

$sTaCeY$
21-07-2005, 18:21
:) :rotfl: :rotfl:

Luna
22-07-2005, 16:06
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert

decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar

and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath

away.

Walking up to her he said:

"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man, but within a month or two, my father will pass away and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his stepmother.

Men will never learn.

$sTaCeY$
22-07-2005, 17:25
good joke :)

.:SpIcYsPy:.
22-07-2005, 17:27
huh?

$sTaCeY$
22-07-2005, 17:28
huh?

the woman went with his farther instead of him

$sTaCeY$
22-07-2005, 17:28
it wa confusing at first then i figured it out :D

.:SpIcYsPy:.
22-07-2005, 19:04
Oh!! LOL!! :rotfl:

$sTaCeY$
22-07-2005, 19:10
i'd didn't thing anyone would understand that joke, it took me a while to figure it out :D

phils little sister
02-08-2005, 11:44
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert

decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar

and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath

away.

Walking up to her he said:

"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man, but within a month or two, my father will pass away and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his stepmother.

Men will never learn.

very good :rotfl:

xCharliex
19-08-2005, 14:22
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you b******s who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you b******s who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house... Now, I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen."

$sTaCeY$
19-08-2005, 15:15
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you b******s who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you b******s who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house... Now, I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen."

:rotfl: thats a good one

.:SpIcYsPy:.
19-08-2005, 15:18
Lmao!!!

xCharliex
19-08-2005, 15:20
Lol i know, i just stole it off my friends Live Journal

phils little sister
19-08-2005, 15:21
:lol: very good :rotfl:

$sTaCeY$
19-08-2005, 15:52
keep the jokes coming

xCharliex
19-08-2005, 16:11
Everyday a man sent his dog down to the loacal newsagents to collect his paper.
One day he sent his dog down he came back without the newspaper. The man rung up his newsagents to find out why they had not given the paper to his dog. It turned out the newsagents had been took over by a new person. They said they wanted the money up-front instead of paying at the end of the week. So the man asked the newsagent if he would mind if he tied a small pouch around his dogs collar with the money enclosed. The newsagent said that was fine.
The following day the man put the money into a small pouch, and attached it to his dogs collar.
The man waited, and waited for his dog to return. He never came home.
So the man left his house and walked around his village to find his dog. He come across a small ally and found his dog with a bitch.
He said to his dog "What are you doing, you've never done this before"
To this his dog replied "I've never had money before"

$sTaCeY$
19-08-2005, 16:14
:lol: lol

xCharliex
19-08-2005, 16:23
Jack decides to go skiing with his buddy Bob. They load up Jack's station-wagon and head north. After driving for a few hours, they get caught in a terrible blizzard. They pull into a nearby farmhouse and ask the attractive lady of the house if they can spend the night. "I'm recently widowed," she explains, "and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Jack says, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Jack gets a letter from the widow's attorney. He calls up his friend Bob and says, "Bob, do you remember that good looking widow at the farm we stayed at?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?" "Yes, I have to admit that I did." "Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turns red and he says, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did." "Well, thanks a lot, pal...she just died and left me her farm."

xCharliex
19-08-2005, 16:25
Four guys were out on the golf course. As one of them was teeing off at the 10th hole, which was next to the highway, they saw a funeral precession go by.

Instead of teeing off, the guy removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed.

At this point, one of the other three said, "You know, that was the most touching thing I've ever seen."

And the guy answers, "Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!"

xCharliex
19-08-2005, 16:26
Johnny and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Johnny would say, "I'd like to ride in that aeroplane."
And every year his wife would say, "I know, Johnny, but that aeroplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Johnny and his wife went to the fair and Johnny said, "I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that aeroplane this year I may never get another chance."
" That aeroplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.", replied his wife.
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Johnny and his wife agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Johnny, " I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Johnny replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when my wife fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Londoner
19-08-2005, 16:41
1. What do you call a Chav in a box?
Innit.

2. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted.

3. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?
Safe.

4. What do you call an Eskimo Chav?
Innuinnit.

5. Why are Chav's like slinkies?
They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?
The bride.

7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
It might be your bike.

8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy; the other's a coconut.

9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?
"What you lookin' at?"

10. How do you get 100 Chav's into a phone box?
Paint three stripes on it.

11. Two Chav's in a car without any music. Who's driving?
The police.

12. Where do you take a Chavette for a decent night out?
Up the a**e.

13. A Chav walks into the local job centre, marches straight up to the counter and says "Hi, I'm looking for a job"...

The man behind the counter replies "Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year ". The

Chav says, "You're having me on!"

The man behind the counter says, "Well you started it!"

:clap:

.:SpIcYsPy:.
19-08-2005, 18:34
Oh my god :eek: Good jokes!!

kirsty_g
27-08-2005, 09:51
lol