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View Full Version : stairlift to heaven - bondboffin's play



Bryan
13-07-2005, 16:07
Hiya guys this is the play that i have written that is being performed at the birmingham rep tonight :)

Bryan
13-07-2005, 16:07
SCENE ONE – LIVING ROOM – DAY

A dark stage, The Beatles hit “When I’m 64” plays. The stage lights up. Edna and Aggie hobble on slowly from the left, Burt and Tristan from the right, when they reach the middle they all sit down in 4 battered old chairs. The music comes to an abrupt end.

SAM: If you don’t shut up, I’ll find a whole new use for an electric toothbrush!

The music continues for a few more seconds then the lights shine on a show the stage. Mr Attrick walks onto the stage, looking back as tough he’s saying goodbye to somebody.

ATTRICK: Remember to give us another visit soon. Mr Geri Attrick’s Retirement and Carehome is the best around. And sign up now and be eligible for our exclusive offer, two for the price of one on OAP’s coming here. Thank you. Goodbye!

Samantha walks onto the stage.

SAM: Nice to see you charming the customers Mr Attrick.

ATTRICK: Yes well you know me Samantha darling, I’m irresistible, even too you.

The OAP’s get up from their seats and walk towards Attrick and Samantha.

TRISTAN: (Laughs to self) Yeah, about as irresistible as Rick Waller on a nudist beach.

SAM: Oh look who it isn’t. The infuriating foursome. Haven’t you got Countdown to watch or something?

AGGIE: Oh, I Love countdown!

BURT: You know there was a time when we were actually cared for in this place.

ATTRICK: You are though, my little wrinkly friends, it’s just your Alzheimer's that is deluding you into thinking that your not.

EDNA: Alzheimer’s my eye! My brain is working just as well as it did before I came here, it’s you lot mistreating us!

SAM: If ya don’t like this place Edna, then you can clear off. In fact be my guest, I’ll even pack ya bags for ya.

AGGIE: Oh how kind of you, isn’t she a lovely girl?

SAM: If you trying to get me to clean your commode you’ve got another thing coming you crazy old bitch!

AGGIE: I like dogs, do you lot like dogs?

SAM: What is she on?

ATTRICK: Despite the ecstasy that I’m having listening to this idle chit chat I have a job to be doing so I’ll be off.

Attrick walks off stage.

TRISTAN: God riddance to you too, you twisted Looney!

SAM: Hey watch your mouth you, Mr Attrick does a lot for you lot, you should be thankful.

EDNA: Thankful for what? Being neglected? Killed? Made to withstand Richard Whitley and that tart Vorderman 5 times a week? (Sarcastic) Sure, I’m thankful.

SAM: If Countdown eint good enough for you, why don’t you play charades. Here’s one for you.

Samantha puts up her two fingers, as tough she’s swearing at them.

AGGIE: Oh..Um..That means two words don’t it?

SAM: (Patronising) No it means **** off, Aggie.

BURT: Don’t you dare speak to her like that!

SAM: Shut it gramps. Here you go then.

She singles four words, a song, then she does the YMCA and hums it, dancing on the spot.

TRISTAN: Oh man! I know this! It’s um… The Sound Of Music!

SAM: (Shocked) You what? U mad?

TRISTAN: Probably. It eint the sound of music is it?

SAM: You’re right…

Tristan starts prancing around in victory.

SAM: …it isn’t.

The four OAPS sit down in their battered old armchairs infront of the TV.

SAM: Anyway, As much as I’d love to feed you liquidised branflakes trough a straw, I’d rather watch Trisha, so I’m off for a cuppa.

TRISTAN: I wouldn’t mind one, if you’re asking.

SAM: I’m not, so tough titty.

TRISTAN: I’m only asking for a cup of tea, it’s hardly the million dollar question.

AGGIE: Oh Millionaire! I like that Chris Tarrent.

SAM: Will somebody please slap her?

AGGIE: Here, everyone has the freedom of speech.

SAM: Yeah, and you’re the exception to the rule, so shut your gob!

BURT: (Stands Up) Eh! I’ve already warned you! Have some respect for your elders!

Sam begins to walk off stage.

SAM: Whatever!

Sam exits the stage; Burt slumps back down in his chair, defeated.

BURT: Honestly! Is it too much to ask to get cared for in a carehome? Dya know what? To hell with this place! I want to see the world, visit the Bullring and watch Midsummer Murders! And there’s nothing to stop me!

EDNA: We’ve past our prime Burt, this is all we’re good for, sitting down watching Fifteen To One and drinking Horlicks. Let’s face it we’re here for life.

TRISTAN: Yeah well Harry eint. Dya here the good news? He’s won the lottery, half a million he’s got, and he’s leaving this place for a world cruise!

BURT: Good luck to him, that’s what I say, the only chance of escaping this hell.

AGGIE: I tried to escape this place on a milk float once.

EDNA: (Uncaring) Really? What went wrong?

AGGIE: Well apart from it going at 1 mph it stopped at every house on the way.

BURT: Well at least you tried Aggie, which is more than us lot have ever done. I suppose you’re all right, we’ll be here forever. So then? What times countdown on?

The main line of when I’m 64 plays “Will you still need, will you still feed me, when I’m 64!”, the lights quickly go out.

END OF SCENE:

Bryan
13-07-2005, 16:08
SCENE TWO – LIVING ROOM – DAY

The stage is dark and empty, blue lights flash and the sound of a police siren can be heard. The stage lights up, and on walk the 4 OAPS.

EDNA: For Christ’s sake! It’s bad enough being woken up in the night by some inconsiderate bugger screaming their bleeding head off, but it comes to a point when u can’t have a lie in of a Sunday morning! We have the right to a peaceful sleep.

Samantha walks onto stage, filing her nails.

SAM: You gave up your, rights the moment you walked into this place. ‘Cus frankly my dear, we don’t give a damn. (laughs)

AGGIE: I was up and down all night.

EDNA: Just like her knickers then.

SAM: Cheeky cow!

TRISTAN: Hey, what are the police sniffing around this place for? Finally realised what you two have been up to have they?

SAM: Oh haven’t you heard? Harold died last night, it’s just routine procedure, checking it was all above board.

BURT: I bet my bottom dollar that you two were behind it!

SAM: It’s accusations like that, that get people into trouble.

BURT: No, it’s accusations like that, that get justice!

SAM: Justice? What would you know about that grandpa? It’s hardly justice that I have to feed you mush and wipe your ****ty bottoms every day is it?

AGGIE: Why are all young people fascinated with poo?

TRISTAN: Look here, we want to know what happened to Harold!

SAM: I told you, he died, thank god, one less to deal with, makes my job a whole lot easier.

Tristan sucks his teeth at her in disgust.

EDNA: How did he die?
SAM: Died peacefully in his sleep, mind you, his health had been deteriorating for a long time.

BURT: Oh no he hadn’t. He was all set to go on a cruise around the bleeding world. Harold was as fit as a fiddle.

SAM: Whatever you say.

EDNA: It’s funny isn’t it, Harold has been here for years, then as soon as he has a windfall on the lottery, he’s dead.

AGGIE: Oh what a coincidence.

EDNA: I don’t believe in them, something smells bad here, and I don’t like it.

SAM: Yeah, you lot, but don’t take offence, take a shower, cus you definitely need one. Anyway I’ve got to go and make your breakfasts, honestly what is this world coming to.

Sam begins to walks off stage, wriggling her bottom as she goes. The OAPS gather together and muffle something.

Edna, Burt and Tristan walk off the stage. Geri Attrick walks on, singing “Oh What A Beautiful Morning”

ATTRICK: Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day, I’ve got a wonderful feeling, everything’s going my way. Why hello there my old friends? How are you all doing on this fine day?

Samantha sees Mr Attrick walk onto stage and approaches him in a panic.

SAM: (Worried) Geri, we need to talk.

ATTRICK: (Smug) Can’t we wait till we’re in bed? (Laughs to self)

SAM: Christ what you on, viagra? No they’re suspecting us.

ATTRICK: (Gesturing towards Aggie) Not in front of the residents Samantha dear.

SAM: Don’t worry, it’s only Aggie. (laughs to self) The barmy old mare eint got a clue, about anything.

Aggie begins to listen to their conversation from her armchair.

ATTRICK: Even so, I hardly find it the most appropriate place to talk about such matters.

SAM: (Aggigated) Did you here? They are starting to suspect that we’d had something to do with that old farts death!

Mr Attrick moves Samantha to one side and begins to whisper the remainder of the conversation.

ATTRICK: Why should they suspect anything? If you’ve been dropping hints left right and centre then that’s the end to our passion after hours do you get me? And if you know best you’ll know that’s too much to miss out on, so shut your gob and do what a carer is meant to do, care!

SAM: You love yourself a bit to much don’t you?

ATTRICK: Maybe it compensates for the lack of it I get from you! Now get on with your what your paid for!

SAM: If we get found out, that’s goodbye to our freedom, and more importantly goodbye to designer clothes and MacDonalds, if any of them old foggies go blabbing to the police, we’ll go down for life!

ATTRICK: Only you my dear. You see its not just my trousers in high places, I have some very influential friends who could find a way to save me from jail. It would be you going down, all on your little ownsome.

Sam storms off towards Aggie.

ATTRICK: Same place tonight then Samantha?

Mr Attrick laughs out as he walks off.

SAM: Pig! You can stick it up a meat slicer for all I care! Not that you’d get much meat from it! (To Aggie) God men! They make me sick!

AGGIE: You make me sick.

SAM: Well I’d hardly think of sweet smelling roses when I see you either.

AGGIE: Trying to cover up Harold’s death, it’s evil!

All of a sudden, Sam grabs Aggie and squeezes her cheeks together, Aggie screams in pain.

SAM: If you think of telling any of your wrinkly old mates about it, it wont just be Harry who’s dead! U get me?

AGGIE: (Panicked) Yes… I get you.

SAM: Good!

Sam walks off stage, leaving Aggie alone, she gasps for breath and sits down in one of the armchairs. Burt, Edna and Tristan return.

TRISTAN: We’re back Aggie Dear.

AGGIE: Any Luck?

EDNA: (laughs to self) As if. It’s like trying to get blood out of a stone. Honestly what ever happened to having a good police force?

Aggie reacts quickly to this comment.

AGGIE: That’s a bit harsh.

BURT: Oh No it isn’t, they’ve fobbed it off as death by natural causes. No investigation, nothing.

TRISTAN: Attrick is killing of our mates, and no-one gives a damn about us! I say someink has to be done man!

BURT: I agree.

EDNA: Like what?

TRISTAN: Well if the police can’t be assed to investigate, then it looks like it’s going to be done to us.

EDNA: Investigate what? Attrick would be do clever than to leave evidence around the place like that.

BURT: Put it this way man, if we don’t take no action, then sooner or later we are gonna be their next targets. Face it guys, time is running out.

The sound of the countdown clock ending, can be heard.

END OF SCENE

Bryan
13-07-2005, 16:12
SCENE THREE – MR ATTRICK’S OFFICE – NIGHT

Mr Attrick’s private office. The lights are off, a noise can be heard outside. Burt, Tristan, Edna and Aggie enter the room slowly. Burt switches on the light.

EDNA: Come on, we eint got long.

The OAP’s continue to move slowly around the office.

TRISTAN: I thought Norman was stalling them.

EDNA: Diarrhoea don’t go on forever you know.

Burt and Tristan walk towards the filling cabinet, Edna stays on look out by the door, Aggie wonders around like a lost soul.

BURT: Here, Tristan over here, there’s bound to be something in the filling cabinet.

Burt opens the cabinet and flicks trough the folder. As he calls out the folder names, the group reply.

BURT: Commode Retailers?

GROUP: No.

BURT: 24-Hour Coroners?

GROUP: No!

BURT: Meals On Wheels?

GROUP: No!!

BURT: Strictly Private?

TRISTAN: That’s gotta be the one man.

Burt gets a folder out of the cabinet and starts to flick trough.

BURT: Look here, there’s some wills, and some house deeds!

EDNA: You what?

BURT: The last will and testament of Harold Smith. (Emotional) Harold! They bloody killed him for his money!

Tristan: The *******s!

The sound of someone approaching the office can be heard.

EDNA: Quick! Quick!

Edna gestures for Burt and Tristan to come to her quickly, they head towards her very slowly, just before they reach her:

EDNA: Someone’s coming!

They are shocked by this and start to move around on the spot.

BURT: You what?

EDNA: It’s them!

TRISTAN: Who’s them?

EDNA: Bill and flaming Ben! Who’d dya bloody think!

AGGIE: Here weren’t they flower pot men?

EDNA: Shut up! Quickly!

They start to hobble off in different directions, not sure at all where they are going.

SAM: (O.S) You had no right speaking to me like that Geri and you know it!

ATTRICK: (O.S) Yes well I couldn’t have you telling the world and his wife about Harold now could I?

The OAPS end up bumping into each other, and try and help each other to one side of the room.

BURT: (Indicating folder) What should I?

EDNA: Shove it up your cardigan!

Burt shoves the file up his top. Tristan is gesturing for Burt to head over to him and Aggie. Mr Attrick and Samantha walk in, Tristan’s hand positions resembles that of a John Travolta pose and so spontaneously begins singing and dancing “you’re the one that I want” from Grease.

TRISTAN: I’ve got chills, der multiplying, and I’m loosing control. Cus the power your supplying it’s electrifying!

Tristan falls to his knees like John Travolta.

TRISTAN: Oh!
Tristan is clearly in pain.

TRISTAN: (whispers) Help me up.

Burt and Edna help Tristan up, Aggie sits down on a sofa.

ATTRICK: What the bloody hell is going on?

TRISTAN: We are rehearsing.

SAM: (Puzzled) Rehearsing?

EDNA: Yes.

SAM: (suspicious) Rehearsing for what?

As Edna is about to give in, Tristan interrupts.

TRISTAN: Grease the musical! It’s going to be brilliant! And I am going to be John Travolta!

BURT: (Confused) Yes, and I’m going to be… um…

TRISTAN: Olivia Newton John. (Pause) But in our one she’s had a sex change.

Mr Attrick slowly walks towards Tristan and Burt, not fooling for their charade.

ATTRICK: Why are you in my office? And what have you got under your jumper? (He swipes the folder)My, my, what have we hear, my rightfully earned deeds. Grease my ass! What do you think your playing at?

Edna slowly charges towards Mr Attrick and swipes him over the head with her walking stick. Mr Attrick falls forward a bit, but steadies himself, he turns around as Samantha grabs Edna.

ATTRICK: Walking sticks and stones, wont break my bones, so don’t even think of trying to do that again.

EDNA: Now listen here, Mr Attrick, you and that tart of yours are really starting to bug me!

SAM: Who you calling a tart, you haggered old bitch!

EDNA: Oh shut up and sit down!

Samantha gives Edna a dirty look, then sits down next to Aggie on the sofa, during the rest of the conversation she files her nail, messes with her hair, puts on lipstick and gives Aggie dirty looks.

EDNA: (Strong)Now we want some answers! And we want them now! And no-one is leaving this room until we get them!

Edna locks the door and swallows the key.

BURT: You don’t scare us Attrick! Not anymore!

ATTRICK: Oh is that right? Do you know it’s amazing what can be done with an overdose of night nurse and a fluffy pillow these days? (laughs to self)

TRISTAN: What, that your favourite method of bumping us lot off?

ATTRICK: No, I prefer drowning your heads in a commode, but anyway…

EDNA: We’ve had enough of you patronising us. Now look here. We want to know why you have the deeds to all of these houses?

SAM: (Innocent) Mr Attrick was fortunate enough to inherit these houses from some of our recently departed residents. (Laughs to self)

TRISTAN: Inherit my ass!

SAM: I’d rather not if you don’t mind.

ATTRICK: Well we certainly didn’t steal them if that’s what you’re suggesting.

EDNA: No your too clever for that aren’t you? That would be against the law! So how did your worm your way into getting them?

Attrick walks over to Aggie with a blank piece of paper and a pen, he begins to talk to her, the OAP’s are confused, unsure of what he is doing.


ATTRICK: Oh could you just step into my office dear. Thank you. Now we want you to just fill this form in. It means that we don’t get sued for letting you watch Watercolour Challenge of an afternoon. Now you wouldn’t want to miss that would you? No. Then sign on the dotted line…

Attrick walks away, and throws the pen and paper on the floor.

ATTRICK: They just sign away their fortune and estate, by signing to a will that I changed. It’s as simple as that. I’d recommend it to any one in financial disarray. (Laughs to self)

BURT: You make me sick! That is wrong!

ATTRICK: Right, wrong. Who cares? Not me, you deserve all that you get.

TRISTAN: Why’s that then?

ATTRICK: Because you are… (trying to think of a horrible insult, but results in saying:) old.

EDNA: The society we live in today is just pafetic! As soon as we reach 60 years of age they classify us as old, we have some kind of stigma which makes everyone hate us, and look down on us, they don’t consider our individuality, or our personal qualities, they just brand us as old, that’s it! I won Mrs Brighton when I was 18! But when I’m offered a bus-seat by ten people, it’s not because of what I’ve done in life, it’s because of what I am!

TRISTAN: Yeah man. To you we’re just that group of people who hog up the buses, and da post office ques of a Monday morning, drawing out our pensions, wasting your time as you wait to get your passport to bugger off to Alacante or Ibiza, or wherever you young hooligans go off to and get drunk out of your bloody heads!

AGGIE: Ala what?

EDNA: (Scornfully) Alacante!

AGGIE: Oh.

ATTRICK: You don’t understand what hanging around with ‘old’ people does to me. It makes me feel… sick. All my life I have been surrounded by slow, and diseased creatures that leech off the public and the government. Scroungers! Every last one! Vermin, that’s what you are! I hate the whole lot of you!

Burt is annoyed at this and confronts Attrick, advancing towards him pointing his finger. During this confidence he gains back all his old strength and is just like the soldier he was all those years ago.

BURT: (Outraged)Just because we have grey hair doesn’t mean we should be regarded any less of a person. And so what, were retired, we’ve worked long and hard for that status, we went down the coal mines, and fought in the war, and you lot seem to thing that a job working on a till in Tescos is the best you can do for you lives.

ATTRICK: I have achieved something in my life! , I've set up this place, and to get rid of as many of you thilth as possible. My mini extermination centre for geriatrics. What an achievement.

TRISTAN: Shame on you Mr Attrick!

Attrick tries the sympathy vote in hope of fooling them into a false sense of security.

ATTRICK: (Childish) You try spending your whole childhood in a convent filled with ancient celibate nuns, who don’t let you have fun, play with friends, or even have friends. The day I was 16 I left there for good, emotionally scarred. Their religious crap drilled into my head! They ruined my childhood, in fact them old foggies ruined my whole life.

TRISTAN: But why punish us? Why not them?

ATTRICK: Oh I did. I cremated every last one of them. Set fire to the place with the “Jesus is my light” lighter that I got for my fifteenth birthday. But I didn’t feel any comfort, I just felt as bad knowing more of you ‘old’ people existed, and I made it my goal in life to get rid of you all, one by one. And I am doing a very good job of it.

Now begins a process on stage where whoever is in charge of the argument (the carers or the residents) lean forward, as the losers lean back, this keeps reversing.

EDNA: (Triumphant) Face it Mr Attrick. You and her have been caught out and you’re not going to get away with this.

Geri Attrick and Samantha lean forward, as the four OAP’s lean back. They are now back in control of the situation.

ATTRICK: (Annoyed) That is where you are wrong, my very wrinkly friend. Who would ever suspect me of fowl-play (he straightens tie and rubs his hand down his body) Mr Geri Attrick (he pauses so as he does not sound ridiculous) geriatric carer would never do such a thing. (Imitating James Browne, whilst dancing on the spot) Man! I Feel good! Dududududu I knew that I would! (Imitating Michael Jackson as he jumps into air and faces the audience) Shammon!

Bryan
13-07-2005, 16:13
AGGIE: Look at you, all cocky, you think you’ve got away with it.

The OAP’s lean forward as Geri Attrick and Samantha lean back. No sooner have they done this, they reverse as Geri Attrick says the following.

ATTRICK: (Smug) That, is because I have.

AGGIE: Oh no you haven’t.

Aggie moves away from the group of OAP’s and moves towards Geri Attrick. He and Samantha move back slowly, beginning once more to lean back. Aggie points at them.

AGGIE: See to you, I’m just some stupid barmy old mare who hasn’t got a clue about anything.

The group of OAPS start to look smug as Aggie tells the carers off. They have their arms crossed nodding their heads.

AGGIE: All those times that you thought I wasn’t listening, when you had those conversations because “she’s mad, she eint got a clue” well I had. I know everything about your scheme, every last detail. I’m sure the police will love to hear from me.

Aggie becomes more and more menacing. She moves closer to the carers with every move and with each move the carers lean further back, until they are on the floor in fear of Aggie.

AGGIE: You may think I’m some defenceless old woman who you can mistreat, beat up and manipulate but I’m not. (She removes her glasses) You think you know me so well but you don’t. I’m not Aggie McCarthy at all, (she removes a grey wig to reveal her youthful hair) because I’m DC Lousie Brent, (She rips off her old fashioned dress to reveal modern clothing) of West Midlands police.

Everyone: the carers and the OAP’s are in complete shock, and this is made clear by their facial expressions.

ATTRICK: (Devastated)Oh my good god!

LOUSIE: I’ve been working undercover here for ages, ever since we got a tip off that Mr Attrick wasn’t all that he seemed. The occasional death here and there nobody would suspect, or at least you didn’t think anyone would. But I got in to find out what was going on, and soon enough we were all dropping like flies in this place. And as I say, I know every last detail about you and his twisted little scheme.

Samantha gets up and attempts to make a run for it. Edna punches her hard in the face, Samantha is thrown against the filling cabinet.

EDNA: That’s for making our lives hell!

As Samantha gets up, she starts to rub her face in pain. Attrick charges towards Louise and grabs her by the neck, she begins to chock.

TRISTAN: Let go of her man! Your chocking her!

ATTRICK: Face it foggies, it’s me that has the upper hand! If a police officer cant beat me than what chance have you got eh?

The OAP’s are silent; they look at each other, wondering what they can do next. Attrick moves his hands from Louise’s throat and just holds her tight, she gasps for breath.

SAM: Not so cocky now are you? You’re pathetic!

ATTRICK: Whether you like it or not, you and your copper friend’s days are numbered.

BURT: Who gives the right to deal out life and death? Who do you think you are? God?

ATTRICK: I’m as god as, aren’t I Samantha?

BURT: You’re nothing but a coward!

Burt walks away in disgust, he walks towards the desk and starts to browse trough the papers.

LOISUE: If only they knew your secret eh Attrick?

Attrick is clearly startled by this and tries to ridicule it.

ATTRICK: Secret? What Secret?

Burt picks up a piece of paper, then and heads towards Attrick.

BURT: (suspicious) How old are you exactly Mr Attrick?

Attrick is not comfortable with this question, he hesitates before answering.

ATTRICK: I’m…um… 35 and a half, a very small half may I add.

TRISTAN: What about when you get “old”? What you gonna do then?

Attrick undoes one of the buttons on his shirt and wipes his sweating forehead.

ATTRICK: (Snappy) I will die of humiliation and shame!

BURT: I’d better call the undertaker then, hadn’t I Mr (empathise on his name meaning old) Geri Attrick?

EDNA: What are you on about Burt?

BURT: Hair dye? Cosmetic surgery? How on earth do you do it? How do you conceal the fact that you are 64 years of age!

Everyone in the room except for Geri Attrick, Burt and Louise are shocked by this.

ATTRICK: (Defensive) I am not!

Burt waves the piece of paper in the air.

BURT: This here birth certificate of yours say’s otherwise. Mr Geri Attrick, born 15th February 1941! Face facts Attrick, you are old!

SAM: Oh my god! You’re telling me that I have been shagging a granddad! That is just disgusting!

EDNA: Shut up you stupid little trollop! (To Attrick) All this time you’ve been killing off people because of them being old, when you are too! Have you got a conscience?

Attrick starts to crack, speaking to himself, he is slowly going mad.

ATTRICK: (To Self) No! You lie! No! I am 35! 35! No sister Bridgette, don’t hit me! No! All I want is a friend! No sister! Not the bible! No! Our father who art in heaven! I see nuns! I see nuns! I am not 65! I’m 35! Do you here me?

Attrick starts to whimper as he crawls into a ball on the floor.

TRISTAN: You is one hypercritical ******* man!

Attrick grabs hold of Tristan’s leg, begging for forgiveness.

ATTRICK: I’m sorry, please forgive me!

Burt begins to search trough the papers in the file.

ATTRICK: I said I’m sorry! Tell them Sister Bridgette! Tell them I am sorry!

SAM: What is he on? Honestly.

Burt walks up to Attrick, and throws a piece of paper and a pen on the floor.

BURT: If you want to make things better then sign this!

ATTRICK: (Whimpers) What is it?

BURT: The documents for this place, you’re going to give it to us.

SAM: Not bloody likely! If anyone’s getting it then I am!

LOUSIE: You can hardly run this place from a prison!

Burt looks down at Attrick, and kicks him.

BURT: Sign it Attrick, or else!

ATTRICK: (weak)or else what?

BURT: (in a rage) Just sign it!

Attrick whimpers, then signs the papers.

BURT: There’s a good granddad.

ATTRICK: I am not a granddad! Tell them sister!

TRISTAN: Go on, nick him Aggie!

EDNA: Don’t you mean Lousie?

TRISTAN: That’s the one.


Louise walks up to Attrick, bends down and handcuffs his hands behind his back.

SAM: Can we go now, cus I’m going to miss Eastenders at this rate?

LOUISE: You ent going nowhere love, you two are going down for a very long time.

Louise also handcuffs Sam, and then throws her down onto the sofa. The group of OAP’s cheer at Louise’s victory. Louise smiles and nervously approaches the group.

LOUISE: Look… guys, I’m so sorry. You have to understand that if I’d told you…

EDNA: Don’t worry dear, there’s no need to explain, we understand.

BURT: After all, you’ve finally taught them evil buggers a lesson.

LOUSIE: No. It’s you guys who did that. Standing up to them, reducing Attrick to a shrivelling wreck, getting him to sign this place over, all I did was knick them.

TRISTAN: Just proves that us “old foggies” are as good as anyone else man! I’ve never had so much fun in my life.

The group laugh at Tristan.

LOUSIE: (Breaking the ice)So then… where did you put the key for this place?

Edna looks embarrassed.

LOUISE: Edna?

EDNA: Don’t worry, nothing that a few laxatives won’t cure.

LOUSIE: Yuck!

The four of them laugh happily together: a change from the misery of the last few years.

END OF SCENE

Bryan
13-07-2005, 16:14
SCENE FOUR – CAREHOME LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

The Bee Gees hit “Staying Alive” can be heard. The stage lights, Tristan walks down the stage in his zimoframe, then starts to dance like John Travolta, Edna and Louise are either side clicking their fingers and shaking to the music, Burt is sitting down clapping out of tune. Patrick stops dancing but the music keeps on playing in the background.

TRISTAN: That was brilliant man!

EDNA: Who’d have thought it hey? Travolta The Musical.

TRISTAN: I’d never realised how much I missed me dancing.

LOUSIE: Yeah well if you don’t slow down, you’ll end up having a heart attack.

TRISTAN: Who care’s wouldn’t that be da way to die, dancing to da Bee Gees?

The group laugh.

EDNA: A month ago I’d have never believed it could happen, all of us having fun in this place, The Harold Smith Memorial Centre, it’s the way it should be.

BURT: The only decent thing Attrick ever did was sign this place over to us.

TRISTAN: Yeah but we can hardly run this place on our own can we, we’re struggling as it is.

LOUSIE: Wait! I’ve just realised.

EDNA: Realised what love?

LOUSIE: What’s stopping me from working here? I mean I’d be able to see you every day and look after you, and then we’d never loose contact.

TRISTAN: Why would you want to give up a job filled with car chases, guns and violence for afternoon tea and countdown?

LOUISE: It’s not as amazing as the Bill makes out you know, only good thing about it was meeting you guys. I know that you lot need looking after, and well I want to do that.

EDNA: Are you sure love?

LOUISE: Positive, when my grandparents died, what? Ten years ago now, I defiantly lost something: their wise wisdom, years of knowledge, the security they offered. But when I came here you lot gave me all that, just what I’d been missing out on. It felt so right being with you, and I don’t want to loose all that again. I want to be with you guys until the end. When you reach the stairway to heaven.

EDNA: Stairs. Not at my age, I’d need a flaming stair lift.

LOUSIE: The stair lift to heaven then?

EDNA: If it’s good enough for Thora Heard, then its’ good enough for me.

The group laugh. They all grab a glass of wine.

LOUSIE: A toast. Always together until the stair lift to heaven.

ALL: Stairlift To Heaven!

The lights fade, and “When I’m 64” plays. Light fade.

END OF SCENE

END OF PLAY

Jessie Wallace
14-07-2005, 01:15
Blimey this must have taken you ages to write. Well done.

Katy
14-07-2005, 12:26
well done thats really good. i hope it went well at the rep.

Bryan
14-07-2005, 18:28
well done thats really good. i hope it went well at the rep.

oh it was pefect, i enjoyed it, my family and friends enjoyed it and the audience enjoyed it! i got the biggest cheer at the end, and as i was walking out i had loads of random people shake my hand and congratulate me

Trinity
14-07-2005, 18:57
Bondboffin, I am really proud of you - fantastic work!

Bryan
14-07-2005, 19:13
Bondboffin, I am really proud of you - fantastic work!

thanks very much trinity...may have taken a year in the making but omg it is so worth it for that half hour performance :)

CrazyLea
14-07-2005, 19:32
aw wow well done!! .. its a really good script by the way
:D

Jessie Wallace
14-07-2005, 23:41
Glad you had a great time mate, you deserve it.