BlackKat
18-06-2005, 14:39
And we finally have Jake's POV. Sorry, it took so long.
If you're new to reading my little angstathon, then this is based on spoilers and speculation (mostly speculation) about Danny and Jake's exit storyline. :D
The other two parts are:
Still Life - Danny's POV (http://www.soapboards.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=8222)
Tumble Downwards - Chrissie's POV (http://www.soapboards.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=8689).
A Song For The Dying
It hurts most at night. At first, you think you’re imagining it, this raw hurt, lying in bed with the covers tangled around your feet. But you can’t be imagining it, because nothing imagined hurts this much.
And it does hurt. It hurts so much that you feel it physically. A splintering in your chest, an ache, like a grown man throwing a weight against a door. Sobs that rise in your throat, that you have to force down, force yourself to breathe, breathe, keep breathing.
The skin around your right thumbnail is raw from you chewing on it, but you don’t know any other way to keep it all from spilling out.
**
The nights where you can’t get to sleep are the worst, where you lie awake staring at the ceiling. You can’t escape, can’t do anything to take your mind off it. All you can do is go over things again and again and the house starts to fall apart and the flames take hold and you can feel arms pulling you back and hands digging into you and someone covers your eyes, forces your head away so you won’t see.
It’s too late.
**
The nights where you do manage to sleep, you wake up with bile rising in your throat, bile and vomit. Like everything in your body is forcing its way out, until there’s nothing left. A hollow shell, just black.
It stains the toilet bowl. You reach a shaky hand to flush, watch yourself do it: detached, removed, absent. Collapse on the bathroom floor, feel the cool tiles against your cheek. Try to get back to normal, but you can’t because everything’s black and dead and you can’t see your way back.
**
You don’t remember much about that night. You remember the heat from the door. The smoke and the flames and the heat being so bad you thought you were going to die.
It sounds stupid, but sometimes you forget which side of the door you were on.
**
You can’t help but wonder. What would have happened if you got there just a few minutes earlier? I mean, what was so important you couldn’t get there in time. And you can’t say you didn’t know what he was going to do, because you’ve seen the look in his eyes before, seen the burning and seen the haze come over him. You knew what he was going to do, so why didn’t you stop him?
**
You think about calling someone – like Alfie or Chrissie, but don’t think you could handle the conversation – the ‘Why did you’s and ‘When are you’s. So you think about calling when you know they’ll be out and leaving a message instead. Just a short one. Like “Hi, I’m still alive.”
But you’re not even sure if that’s true.
**
Sometimes you hate him. He’s the one who cocked up, like always. He’s the one who set the bloody house on fire (and stayed in the house, even when you screamed for him to get out. But you don’t think that, because that leads to thoughts of suicide, and people don’t just jump, they’re pushed, and if he did jump why weren’t you there to catch him?)
So, he’s the one that started this mess. So, why are you the one who’s falling to pieces?
Because you deserve it, you think, every morning you wake up with the taste of vomit in your mouth. You deserve it, you deserve to fall apart and struggle to breathe, gasp for every breath, because that’s what happened to him. Because he died, because he suffered, because he struggled to breathe, had to feel the smoke pushing down his throat, clawing his insides. Because you weren’t there when he needed you, because you knew what he was going to do, because you knew and didn’t stop him.
Because someone must have pushed him, and who else had that much power but you?
------
This doesn't really match up to the spoilers anymore I know (what with Danny not dying in the fire) and also Chrissie and Jake possibly being in a different place relationship wise than I originally thought they would be. (Am I complaining? No.)
Sorry, it took a while. Reviews appreciated.
If you're new to reading my little angstathon, then this is based on spoilers and speculation (mostly speculation) about Danny and Jake's exit storyline. :D
The other two parts are:
Still Life - Danny's POV (http://www.soapboards.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=8222)
Tumble Downwards - Chrissie's POV (http://www.soapboards.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=8689).
A Song For The Dying
It hurts most at night. At first, you think you’re imagining it, this raw hurt, lying in bed with the covers tangled around your feet. But you can’t be imagining it, because nothing imagined hurts this much.
And it does hurt. It hurts so much that you feel it physically. A splintering in your chest, an ache, like a grown man throwing a weight against a door. Sobs that rise in your throat, that you have to force down, force yourself to breathe, breathe, keep breathing.
The skin around your right thumbnail is raw from you chewing on it, but you don’t know any other way to keep it all from spilling out.
**
The nights where you can’t get to sleep are the worst, where you lie awake staring at the ceiling. You can’t escape, can’t do anything to take your mind off it. All you can do is go over things again and again and the house starts to fall apart and the flames take hold and you can feel arms pulling you back and hands digging into you and someone covers your eyes, forces your head away so you won’t see.
It’s too late.
**
The nights where you do manage to sleep, you wake up with bile rising in your throat, bile and vomit. Like everything in your body is forcing its way out, until there’s nothing left. A hollow shell, just black.
It stains the toilet bowl. You reach a shaky hand to flush, watch yourself do it: detached, removed, absent. Collapse on the bathroom floor, feel the cool tiles against your cheek. Try to get back to normal, but you can’t because everything’s black and dead and you can’t see your way back.
**
You don’t remember much about that night. You remember the heat from the door. The smoke and the flames and the heat being so bad you thought you were going to die.
It sounds stupid, but sometimes you forget which side of the door you were on.
**
You can’t help but wonder. What would have happened if you got there just a few minutes earlier? I mean, what was so important you couldn’t get there in time. And you can’t say you didn’t know what he was going to do, because you’ve seen the look in his eyes before, seen the burning and seen the haze come over him. You knew what he was going to do, so why didn’t you stop him?
**
You think about calling someone – like Alfie or Chrissie, but don’t think you could handle the conversation – the ‘Why did you’s and ‘When are you’s. So you think about calling when you know they’ll be out and leaving a message instead. Just a short one. Like “Hi, I’m still alive.”
But you’re not even sure if that’s true.
**
Sometimes you hate him. He’s the one who cocked up, like always. He’s the one who set the bloody house on fire (and stayed in the house, even when you screamed for him to get out. But you don’t think that, because that leads to thoughts of suicide, and people don’t just jump, they’re pushed, and if he did jump why weren’t you there to catch him?)
So, he’s the one that started this mess. So, why are you the one who’s falling to pieces?
Because you deserve it, you think, every morning you wake up with the taste of vomit in your mouth. You deserve it, you deserve to fall apart and struggle to breathe, gasp for every breath, because that’s what happened to him. Because he died, because he suffered, because he struggled to breathe, had to feel the smoke pushing down his throat, clawing his insides. Because you weren’t there when he needed you, because you knew what he was going to do, because you knew and didn’t stop him.
Because someone must have pushed him, and who else had that much power but you?
------
This doesn't really match up to the spoilers anymore I know (what with Danny not dying in the fire) and also Chrissie and Jake possibly being in a different place relationship wise than I originally thought they would be. (Am I complaining? No.)
Sorry, it took a while. Reviews appreciated.